


Pain of Memory

by aimless38



Series: Moving On [23]
Category: Weiß Side B (Manga)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 10:18:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 68,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4388078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimless38/pseuds/aimless38
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ken's past begins to haunt him. He embarks on a journey of self-destruction that could either destroy him or deliver him from his pain of memory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The date on the calendar hit me like a fist in the gut. I was not ready to face this and the sudden flood of emotions caught me totally by surprise. I needed to be alone…I needed to think and try to block out everything that had happened. It didn’t even occur to me to leave a note as I grabbed my jacket and fled. My bike was sitting pristine in its space in the garage. Michel had helped me rebuild it and he purred like a dream. Funny how most people thought of their bikes as women. This one reminded me of Chloe. Sleek lines, stylish, elegant and with hidden power. So yeah I wondered what my lover would say if I told him I’d named my beloved Ducati after him.

I ran my hand over the warmed metal and got on. It started right up and I barely waited for the garage door to slide open before roaring out into the late afternoon gloom. It looked like rain… perfect since it matched my mood. Our last mission brought up all the feelings that I thought I was over and done with. I trusted Jonathan. I thought he’d been telling me the truth about his brother’s death and the interleukin drug. I thought David’s death had been caused by their team doctor. That he had no knowledge about the drugs that had lead to his collapse on the soccer field. Like an idiot I fell for it all again. I dared to trust and got slapped in the face for it. David had been their experimental guinea pig for ten years and his brother had stood by and let it happen. He’d taken the drugs too and when I had confronted him the guy’s strength and speed had taken me by surprise. I’d gotten the crap beaten out of me before I carried out my appointed task. After learning all the information I needed I caught Jonathan completely off guard and sank my claws into his chest. Mission accomplished. So why did I feel like I had that night so long ago when I sent my former best friend to hell?

Some of the beating I allowed to happen since I was supposed to get the whole story out of Jonathan and we needed the name of his supplier. Plus it felt like penance for the evil deed of killing another friend. Why did everything in my life associated with soccer have to be so tainted? I’d met David my second and final year in J-league. He seemed so alone and even though he was English and could barely communicate we’d managed to become friends. David had recently been traded to Japan and needed a bit of help getting acclimatized. At first Kase had been supportive and all three of us had hung out a lot. Then I guess he got jealous and made me choose his friendship or David’s. I could not abandon Kase and regretfully I stopped seeing the blond soccer player. I mean I could hardly say no to Kase.

I’d first met Kase at the orphanage where I grew up. I’d been a scrawny kid and was picked on to the point where I stayed mostly to myself. I was a wreck after my parents were killed and with no other close relatives I could remember I was taken to a Catholic home for orphans. I was almost nine years old and had no one to stick up for me. The sister who ran the place, may she rot in hell, had little time to deal with any sniveling little kid who could not stick up for themselves. Kase was like a godsend. I was getting beat up again and he stepped in and defended me. No one had ever done anything like that before. He was one year older than me and the hero worship was instant. I followed him around like a puppy. He let me and I knew what it was like to have a family. Kase even changed bunks so his was right next to mine. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing.

Kase and I had been inseparable. We shared everything. We cut class together, smoked our first cigarettes together…he laughed while he held my hair back and I puked my guts up. I returned the favor when we stole a case of beer off the back of a delivery truck and got blindingly drunk in the church basement.

Hell we even jacked off together over some old porno magazines we found in a shed. It was not a matter of being gay or straight. We just got horny and did it. We even compared dick sizes and I felt the humiliation of coming up short. It did not even seem odd that I was with another guy like that. It was ok because it was Kase. My best friend and seemed to me to be a normal part of being a teen.

It was also Kase that got me my first soccer ball. It didn’t matter that it was stained and patched in one place the gift was precious to me. The game became like an obsession to us and we played for hours every day.

It wasn’t until a couple of years later when we were in the park playing soccer with a local team that we were spotted by talent scouts. They came to me first and I had no idea what to do. There was one thing I was adamant about though and that was I would not sign anything or go anywhere without him. I was so glad that Kase got to go with me. That we got to train together to play on a real team. I was so wrapped up in achieving my dream that I failed to notice that my best friend sat on the bench during the games more often than not. I didn’t realize that he started drinking more. I wondered if I’d seen the jealousy would I have been able to stop him from doing what he did. Would he still have betrayed me for money and tried to burn me to death in that damned warehouse? Just one more fuck up in my long list of them.

What right had I to be happy? Why did I even deserve what I had now? I would screw that up too…it was inevitable.

Besides Aya and Chloe would be so much happier without me in their lives. Hell they did not even seem to notice that I’d been spending more nights alone in my room than in their bed. I told them I needed a little space and that I’d be ok. God what a fucking lie. But then it was just the excuse they needed to cut me from their lives. Oh Aya still tried to get me to talk and Chloe would hug me and tell me it was going to be all right. But I could tell they were just going through the motions. I guess I should be grateful for the time they did give me. That they even made an effort for a dumb jock like me.

I revved my bike and raced down the street. I needed the wind in my face and the reckless danger of speeding down rain slick roads. I hadn’t even put on my helmet. I just didn’t care and as I slid around a corner and almost lost control. For one fleeting second I considered just aiming at that concrete median. Everyone would probably be better off anyway.

Then my sense of self-preservation kicked in and I regained control. Damn it but that was not the answer. I really didn’t want to end up splatted all over the side of the road. Besides I’d probably just fuck that up too and end up paralyzed. A drink…I needed a drink. Getting blindingly drunk seemed like a great idea and I began to look for a place to stop.

I didn’t want a trendy yuppie bar or a homey pub. I was looking for a dive where I could disappear for a while. I didn’t want to chat or listen to anyone laughing or having a good time. It took a while to find one that fit my mood but eventually I did. The bar was right on the edge of the industrial district and its dinginess was somewhat comforting. The windows were cracked and dirty with the cigarette smoke of decades adding to the layers of grime. I drove around the side and parked my bike…fuck I just had to hope it was still there when I came back out again.

But did I really even care? The lure of oblivion was inside and god I needed a drink. Alcohol was something I was told to avoid by that therapist from Kritiker I talked to what seemed like a lifetime ago. They said I had addictive tendencies and could easily find myself relying on booze to get through the day. I watched Yohji on that same path of self destruction only he’d tempered the alcohol with drugs. I really had no inclination to ever do drugs considering that they had ended my soccer career. But really what harm could drinking myself into a stupor just once cause? It was not like I was going to do it again. Besides I could stop any time I wanted. This was only going to help me make it through a rough time I was having.

I walked in and most of the people in the place didn’t even look up as I went to the bar. The inside was even more charming then the outside. The bar dominated one whole side of the room. It’s scarred and pitted surface showed a multitude of stains from countless glasses that rested on its surface. Booths lined the opposite wall along with the odd small table scattered here and there. I chose a booth in the very back of the room and sat down. Naturally I had my back to the wall. I laid my jacket on the seat beside me and looked around. This time of day the bar had few patrons. Only those hard core drinkers that started early in the day and did not stop until they were totally trashed. The idea held a lot of appeal to me at that moment; to have nothing more to care about than your next drink.  
The few that did look up at me as I walked to the table gave me the kind of suspicious glare they would any stranger imposing on their alcoholic haven. I was sized up and labeled harmless before they retreated to their own little worlds. I didn’t have to wait long before a tired looking; paunchy, bald man in a stained apron came over to the table. I asked for a double vodka and to leave the bottle. I pulled out my wallet and shoved some money at him. He merely grunted and returned to the bar to get my order. After a short wait I was soon sipping some truly foul liquid. I wanted to get hammered not didn’t give a damn about the taste. The first two shots were downed in quick succession and I poured a third. Nursing this one I mulled over what had driven me to this point.


	2. Chapter 2

You see what made me flee the house… the thing I couldn’t face right now was the anniversary of Kase’s death. I didn’t need anyone’s pity least of all Aya or Chloe’s. I needed to be alone to grieve in my own way. I didn’t need anyone telling me that Kase betrayed me. That he deserved what he got and that I shouldn’t waste my time mourning his death. I killed him. I killed the first real friend I’d ever had. The boy who I grew up with, the teen I shared my innermost secrets with. The person I told my hopes and dreams to and the man who’d taken my virginity. Yeah my first experience with sex was with a guy. So what? I liked girls too but with Kase it was inevitable. We were so close and after our first spectacular win once we’d made the major leagues there had been a party afterward. I’d had too much beer and Kase was not too far behind me in the number of cans we’d consumed. Laughing and pushing each other we’d staggered into the deserted locker room.

I stumbled into the lockers and Kase’s arms came up to steady me. Then his lips were on mine and I was too surprised to push him away. It was new and scary and exciting. He took control of the situation and of me. Before I knew what was going on I was half naked and Kase was on his knees in front of me. The first touch of his lips on my cock and I was lost. It felt so damned good… at least for a little while. I came embarrassingly fast and was then dragged into the storage room. He fucked me there on my hands and knees. His shorts were around his ankles as he thrust himself into my body. I was not prepared for that and it hurt. Spit was not nearly enough lubrication and his burning intrusion tore me up a bit. Still Kase did not slow his frantic thrusting and I grit my teeth to keep from screaming.

Afterward while I lay on my side gasping he held me close and apologized profusely. He said he never meant to take me like that. Kase explained he’d been too drunk to realize he was going too fast for me, that he hurt me. I was freaking sore and a bit alarmed at the blood between my legs. He helped me up and I hobbled into the showers. We both stood there under the warm spray and washed each other as we kissed. It was ok again and I knew he did not mean to hurt me. I felt loved and wanted. That is until our second time together. It was just as rough as the first and as I tried to push him off me Kase retreated and said that I didn’t care about him at all. That I hated him just like everyone else he’d ever loved. I was so afraid he’d leave me that I let Kase take me again. He liked it rough and over the course of a year I even got used to the brutality. Every time I protested even a little Kase brought out the guilt trip and I fell for it like a true sucker. It was the only sex I’d ever known and I thought this was how it was between two guys.

Then that horrible day where my life changed forever. Kase had given me that bottle of drugged sports drink and the rest of the game was a complete blur. We’d lost the most important game of the season all because of me. I was jeered as I was helped off the field. My fans had turned on me and it was crushingly painful. Then the accusations started and I was suspended from the league pending an investigation. I was blamed for throwing the game and a lot of money was found in my bank account. I swore it was not a bribe, that I had no idea where the money had come from. No one would listen I was not brought up on charges since it was better to ban their golden boy from the game then to continue to fuel the media frenzy. Everything was gone and I had nothing. My savings had been seized and contracts severed. I was even evicted from my apartment. Everyone hated me. It was awful and I was desperate to clear my name. I was frantic to get back everything I had lost including my dreams.

Kase took me in. He stood by me and vowed to help me. I trusted him and blithely went along with all of his suggestions. One night he came home excited. Kase said he finally had a lead on who framed me. They had agreed to meet us at a warehouse that night and would provide proof for a price. It was the vindication I’d been looking for. I would get my life back. Kase had laughed as I hugged him and tackled him to the bed. That afternoon was the first time Kase had been somewhat less rough. Afterward as we lay in each other’s arms he’d even said he’d loved me. It looked like my life was almost mine again.

Then, typical of my bad luck, it all fell apart again. We went to the warehouse and were betrayed by the men we were supposed to meet. I watched as Kase was dragged away and I was left to die in that burning building. The flames crept closer and it was nearly impossible to breathe. I struggled to move but the beating I’d taken had left me helpless. The pain had been excruciating and as I passed out my only thoughts had been for Kase.

I’d woken up in the hospital burned, weak and heartsick. I could scarcely think past my own pain and lay there not wanting to respond to the world at all. I just wanted to die. Then they came.... Kritiker asked me if I wanted revenge. To make those that killed Kase pay and all others like them. Those that thought themselves above the law. I had nothing else to live for and Kritiker was offering me a second chance. I barely had time to heal before I was whisked away. The training I’d gotten was intense and it was determined I was best suited for close combat. Through it all I was numb and could have cared less that I was being trained as a killer. Dead to the rest of the world with no hope of returning to the game I loved and to a normal life.

I was tested and deemed acceptable. I’d completed my first mission and taken a life. The target’s blood splashed on me as I sank my claws into his chest. He grabbed my jacket and I watched the light of life leave his eyes. I didn’t lose it until I was back in the room of the house I was staying in while I was trained. I barely made it into the bathroom before I’d lost all the food I’d eaten that day. Then I got into a painfully hot shower and scrubbed my skin raw. I shed plenty of tears under the stinging shower spray. I was not saddened so much for the scum of a target I’d killed but for all I’d lost.

Then two months later I met Omi...

I couldn’t believe the blond teen with the bright blue eyes was an assassin. He was younger than me and the leader of the team they were assembling to be called Weiss. I felt so adrift when I first arrived at the shop that was my new home. A flower shop... a fucking florist. I knew nothing about flowers. Omi was so patient with me and his warmth and light was addicting. He helped me to find joy in life again despite our true job. To rid the world of the evil Persia decided was unfit to exist. Then Yohji showed up. He was another of Kritiker’s sacrificial lambs. He was the oldest of us all and so jaded already by the tragedies he’d been dealt. Despite all that I found myself drawn to him as well. He was so irreverent and laid back with a truly wicked streak. The three of us continued to carry out missions for nearly a year before the final member of Weiss was dropped into our laps. He was a Kritiker agent who decided that he needed his revenge more than carrying out missions for his masters.

He even stumbled into the midst of one of our hits and I almost gutted him as a witness. Weiss was his last chance before Kritiker put him down as a rogue. Aya Fujimiya was an enigma to me and I really disliked him on sight. He was such a cold bastard and didn’t seem interested in being a team player. That first day he showed up at the shop and acted so freaking superior to us all made my blood boil. I kicked his ass and got yelled at by Omi for trashing the place. Even after that things did not improve much... Aya continued to be a total ass. We were simply tools for him to use for revenge. Our lives were so fucked up and we hardly knew how to function as a team as the months progressed. Reiji Takatori was intent on taking over Japan. Aya was consumed by revenge and a threat to our safety.

Then to my shock Kase came back into my life. It was my worst nightmare come true. He was a target and I was sure it was some kind of horrible mistake. I had to see him. Kase was alive and it had to be some huge error that he was messed up with the creeper gang. So against orders I confronted my oldest friend and first lover. Kase said he’d missed me and thought I’d been dead. He hugged me and I sank into his arms. I realized that I missed this so fucking much. Being this close to someone and being held like this. There was no way Kase was involved in anything illegal... at least willingly.

Despite what Manx told me I was still stubbornly insisting Kase was innocent. Even after I’d nearly been killed I still didn’t put the pieces together. I went to my old lover one last time to beg him to walk away from our true target. For some reason I wore my mission outfit that day. I guess it was habit and that is what saved my life. The bullet proof vest stopped the bullets Kase fired at me. The impact hurt like a bitch but the pain of betrayal made me think I was dying. It had all been a fucking set up from the start. My so called friend had been paid to drug me and then I was framed to take the fall for throwing the game. I was supposed to have died in that warehouse and Kase would have let me without a backward glance. Plus he was all set up to use me again. He would become head of the creeper gang and I would be left holding the bag again. I was such a fucking idiot.

I had to confront Kase by myself. I’d screwed up badly and needed to make it right. The bastard shot me again. This time it missed my vest and the burning pain in my shoulder was a hell of a wakeup call and I knew what I had to do. Kase was unrepentant and despite his begging tears every word that fell from his lips was a lie. It broke my heart to take his life. I had killed off the remainder of my past. I truly believed what I’d said at the time. I was in hell... a hell of my own personal making.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I took off on my bike. I never expected to meet anyone and it was a total surprise that the person who I raced with that day was a woman. I shouldn’t have gotten close to her but she made me forget the shit hole my life had become. Her cheerful personality and joy in life was infectious. I sought out her company even though it was not the wisest thing to do at the time.

I even slept with her... it was such a damned relief to be with someone that knew nothing about me and what I did for a living. She was the first and only woman I’d ever been with. It was kind of humorous and Yuriko was willing to let me fumble my way through. She thought I was a virgin and I guess I was in that respect. The memory of that night was one of the bright spots in my life and was responsible for the goofy grin on my face the next day. But it seemed I was still fate’s bitch and Yuriko was hooked on the very poison that we were told by Persia to stop. The sports drink called Freud which was nothing more that an experiment in biological warfare. She asked me to go to Australia with her and for a brief moment I considered it but I knew deep down Kritiker would never let me go. I didn’t need Yohji to tell me I had no right to love and a normal life. I was a killer, a dog of Kritiker and my life was not my own.

Sunk in misery it was Omi that coaxed me back out of my room. Video games, playing ball in the park and going out to the movies. He made sure I was never alone too long. Omi even sat with me night after night when I could not stand going to my room to face the nightmares. More than once I woke up on the couch in the blond’s arms. Truthfully it freaked me out a bit and I was so worried that Omi would get tired of babysitting me.

He didn’t though and it made me kinda sad when Ouka finally got his attention. It seemed to me that Omi was not too thrilled with her advances but he still spent time with her. Time not spent with me. I looked at the situation now and realized I was jealous. One afternoon we’d all been teasing Omi mercilessly about his new girl friend. He stammered and blushed furiously then went to do deliveries. Later that night after Aya and Yohji went to bed.

Bed...heh. They went to go fuck their brains out. They thought Omi and I didn’t know. It was pretty obvious since Yohji’s room was right next door to mine. We found out one night as Omi and I were playing Mortal Combat we could hear them quite clearly through the wall. I turned bright red and about died. Omi just giggled and wanted to listen. I dragged him from the room and we went for ice cream. He was such a little hentai and I wondered if Yohji’s teasing about Omi surfing the net for porn actually had a grain of truth.

Anyway after we were alone and in front of the TV Omi curled up next to me to watch a movie. In the flickering light from the TV the blond laid his head on my chest and his arm crept around my waist. I looked down at him a bit stunned. Omi looked up at me and asked if it was all right. I realized that it was alright. It felt safe and comfortable. We snuggled on the couch for the entire movie and as the credits rolled it seemed the most natural thing in the world for me to tip his head up and kiss him. We both froze at that first innocent touch of our lips. I was afraid I’d blown it again. That I’d misinterpreted the signals Omi was sending me. He smiled and reached out and placed his hands on my shoulders. I didn’t know what to expect and still figured he’d turn me down gently. That could have been farther from the truth. Omi admitted that he’d liked me for a while and wanted to wait until I was ready before approaching me. I was floored... call me dense but I didn’t have a clue he was interested in me. I thought Ouka was his girlfriend. I told him so and Omi laughed. He liked her as a very close friend but he really wasn’t interested. Then much to my surprise he climbed in to my lap and told me I was the only one he was interested in.

What followed was a very intense make out session. I was stunned by Omi’s enthusiasm and now had proof how hentai he really was. Not that we did much more then some heavy groping but god it felt so good. It was comforting to be so close to someone again. We shared our bodies with each other and it was then I learned what true intimacy was like. I realized that what I had with Kase was just possessiveness and domination. My night with Yuriko had been nice but did not generate the passion and fierce longing that I felt for Omi. It was good for a while but as with all good things that had to come to an end.

After the death of that megalomaniac Takatori, Kritiker went to hell and we all went our separate ways. I was actually happy for a while and thought I could leave that life behind me. Then the bitches from Schrient showed back up, kidnapped Aya’s sister and pulled us once again into Kritiker’s clutches.

God when did this become a slide show in my head of this is your life? The bar noises filtered back in and I really had no idea how long I’d been sitting there drinking. My glass was empty again and the bar considerably more crowded. Gee anyone could have stabbed me in the back and I’d never have noticed. Great assassin’s reflexes Ken. I felt decidedly disconnected to everything and very fuzzy. I guess half a bottle of vodka was bound to do that. I filled my glass again and sank my head into my hands. I stared at the cheap, stained table top and wondered what the fuck gave me the right to anything good in my life. I’d just mess it up just like I’d done everything else.


	3. Chapter 3

Many shot glasses later and still I sat rifling through my memories getting more morose by the minute. Where was the oblivion I craved? I sure hoped I’d find it the closer I got to the bottom of the bottle. True, some of my reminiscing was not too bad. The memories of Omi before everything went to shit were actually quite pleasant. I’m sure now that I probably drove him away too. I tended to do that… to push and push until everyone I cared about abandoned me. Fuzzily I poured myself another drink and managed to get most of it in the glass. I’d been here for several hours and the bar was getting a bit crowded. I was glad now that I’d picked a back booth and was left primarily alone. I got the odd stare every once in a while but that was all.

I knew that my actions the past several days had been somewhat irrational and moody. But I couldn’t shake the specters of my past. The last mission had brought them all frighteningly close to the surface and I did not have the strength to shove them back. I should just leave now and go home. I should just tell Aya and Chloe what was bothering me. But damn it I was tired of being the weak whiny one. Aya was so strong and he had to get tired of me leaning on him all the time. Chloe, for the most part, just shrugged and talked out his fears with Aya as well. He did not confide in me so much and that kinda hurt. Not that I’d be any help anyway. I’m just a dumb jock who thinks running from his problems is a great way to solve them. God… listen to me. When did I become so pathetic? Maybe it was the alcohol after all? Maybe I was just tired of dealing with all this crap my life had handed me.

I knocked back the full glass and hissed as the liquid burned a path down to my already churning stomach. It was totally irresponsible of me and I shrugged away the guilt as I steadily did my best to get my money’s worth of the alcohol I’d bought. I had just slopped vodka all over the table top in an attempt to get it into the glass when a hand on my shoulder caused me to jump rather badly. Shit I must be wasted to not have noticed and let someone get so close to me.

“Care for some company Honey?” a slightly nasally feminine voice grated on my ears.

Blearily I looked over my shoulder and squinted at the blond leaning against the corner of my booth. She was heavily made up in a desperate attempt to hide her age and I guessed she was on the downhill side of 35. She wore skin tight jeans and a slightly oversized t-shirt that she had knotted in the middle to expose part of her stomach. A gaudy heart shaped charm hung from her pierced navel which she practically had shoved in my face. The only thing that saved her from being boney was a rather impressive chest. She ran her red tipped nails down my arm and leaned closer. I could smell her cheap floral perfume and the reek of old cigarettes.

“Buy a girl a drink? It’s a shame to see someone as hot as you alone. Scoot over and I’ll pay attention to you.” She didn’t even give me a chance to refuse before she was sliding in the end of the booth. I shied away as her hip brushed mine.

“Look I’m really not in the mood for company. Just leave.” The blond merely looked at me a bit confused. It was then that I realized I’d answered her in Japanese. I must be plastered to not have realized. I repeated myself in English this time, somewhat slurred but understandable.

“Oh Honey you don’t mean that. My name is Cheryl and could use a friend. Besides no one likes to drink alone right?” Then to my disgust she picked up my glass and licked the rim before taking a large drink.

Short of bodily removing her from the booth I was trapped. I scooted further away and damned if she didn’t follow me. There was no way I was going to drink out of that glass again and I watched as she drained it and poured herself another. The bottle was mostly empty now and I sighed. My new “friend” was chattering non-stop and my fuzzy brain was trying to keep up. Her accent was a bit thick and I did not understand half of what she was telling me.

“So this bottle is shot should I order another or do you want to go somewhere more private?” I jumped again as her hand landed on my crotch.

I was not so far gone that I was going to let her touch me. She frowned when I lifted the offending hand and dropped it back into her own lap.

“Really I just want to be alone. I’m trying not to be rude here but you don’t want me to lose my temper. Just leave.” I had to concentrate to say it in English and that was making my head throb.

She smiled and her lipstick had smudged onto her front teeth. She was becoming more and more unattractive by the moment. I thought alcohol made a person more attractive? This was not the case with the clingy woman inching her way closer to me. I had retreated about as far as I could across the booth and really needed her to get the hell away from me.

“C’mon now honey don’t be like that. You could use some company and I really think you’re the hottest guy in here.” I tried to climb out of my skin as she wormed her way onto my lap.

I gritted my teeth and tried not to breathe in her stale flowery scent. How did I get myself into these messes? All I wanted was to be alone and damned if I did not attract a bar leech.

“Listen I’m giving you to the count of three to get the hell off of me before I dump you on your ass.” My voice was a bit harsher then I intended but I really just wanted to leave. This bar had lost its appeal.

“Well at least give a girl a hug and thanks for the drinks. But if you ever want a good time...” Before I could pull away she had one arm around my neck and the other dangerously close to my ass.

If her hand dipped lower I was going to go ballistic. I tensed as she groped my butt and was just about to rudely shove her to the floor when she planted her dry, chapped lips on my cheek near my mouth. I also felt her hand stealthily slide into my pocket, the one that contained my wallet. Damn it she was trying to treat herself to my money. The skank probably thought I’d be too distracted to notice. Truthfully I cringed when she touched me and I’d had enough. There are a lot of reasons not to drink and my temper was one of them. My hand clamped on to hers hard enough to hurt and I hissed from between clenched teeth.

“Get your fucking hands off my wallet and get out of my sight before I forget you’re female and do something we’ll both regret.” Her eyes widened as she looked into mine and I wondered for a fleeting second what she saw there. Perhaps it was one predator recognizing another and I was the alpha. She gulped audibly.

“You’re hurting me! Let go you asshole!” She raised her voice and stumbled backward out of the booth and she landed in a heap on the floor. Fuck! Now I was the center of attention.

Several rather large men got up and poked their noses into my little argument with the bleached blond bitch. She looked up at the three guys and managed to force out a few tears.

“Look I don’t want any trouble. I’ll just take my jacket and leave.” I wanted to diffuse this fast and get the hell out.

“He grabbed me and... and I told him no. But he thought if he bought me a couple of drinks...”Then she started blubbering. God my life sucks.

“You can’t just come in here and treat the women any fucking way you want. We might have to teach you a lesson.” This was from the guy I affectionately dubbed Beer Gut.

His cronies were on either side of me and their only distinguishing features were the one’s lack of teeth and a girth to rival his big friend who was doing the talking. The other guy was small and weasely with a shrewd stare and there was actual intelligence lurking in his eyes. It was him I was worried about the most. The last thing I needed was a knife in the gut. Been there done that.

Had I not been stinking drunk I could have taken the three of them quite easily. Unfortunately I was paying so much attention to the smallest guy in the group that I did not see the ham sized fist until it impacted with my face. Fuck it hurt and as I felt the blood dribble from my nose I really hoped it wasn’t broken.

I staggered backward after being hit and blocked the next punch from Beer Gut only to get viciously punched in the side by the Weasel. I kicked out and got the third guy in the nuts and he was down for the count. I grunted in pain as I got hit again. My barely healed ribs wouldn’t stand up to much of a beating and the bar whore who started this whole mess was leaning against a table grinning. She was holding my wallet and the bitch even blew me a kiss as she strolled towards the door.

A glint out of the corner of my eye got my attention and sure enough Weasel had pulled a knife. Fuck! This had gone from bar brawl to deadly in the space of a few minutes. Even drunk and with my reaction time considerably slower I still was not about to get stabbed. It hurt like a bitch and I hated hospitals with a passion. An elbow in the face took care of the knife wielder and he dropped the weapon and clutched at his now streaming nose. The satisfying crunch when I hit told me the nose was broken. My inattention to Beer Gut though cost me another jab to the face as well. I was able to block it so the fist only glanced off my cheek. Even though it still snapped my head back. Despite his bulk this guy was a brawler and I was getting pissed. I ducked under his next swing and planted my fist into the wall of fat hanging over his belt. The huge guy wheezed and bent forward.

I grabbed him by the hair and smashed his face into the table. In fact I did it a few more times just to hear the meaty smack of it connecting. This was getting fun and I wanted to heap on the abuse. It was as if the guy in my grip represented every shitty thing that had happened recently in my life. It was only when the shouts and a few screams finally penetrated my haze did I stop and look down at the mess I’d made. Beer Gut was unconscious and the table top was smeared with blood. I could feel the grin on my face and was instantly horrified. Oh… God… I’d totally lost it. Just like from before when the blood lust would take me and I actually enjoyed the violence. I was beyond fucked up. I was broken and had no idea how to fix myself.

In a panic I looked around the room. The bartender had a baseball bat and looked ready to come at me if I even so much as twitched wrong. The rest of the sparse customers had cleared the space around my table and stood watching. If this had been a better neighborhood the cops would have been here already. I’m betting though that cops were trouble the bar was not willing to invite. I had to get the hell out. I had to get away from what I’d done and from the smell of blood. Beer Gut was now curled up on the floor groaning and I was fucking grateful I’d not killed the guy. The few people in my way backed up as I edged towards the door. I was trouble and they wanted me gone. I pushed through the opening and was outside. The fear lodged itself in my stomach and I took off. I didn’t give a shit where I just needed to run. As if I could outrun what I’d just done… even so I was more than willing to try. I was soaked to the skin within minutes and still I ran.

Even when a stitch in my side made me gasp for air I did not stop moving. Only when my vision blurred and my knees buckled did I try and get a hold of myself. I staggered into a telephone pole and wheezed. I hurt…my body and my heart. I was in danger of becoming the monster I used to be. It lurked close to the surface just waiting for another chance. I was also ashamed. Where was the whole person I was not more than a few months ago? The person who had two people to love him and had the strength to love them back. Was it all a lie I created to hide the real me? Was I still the same person that got stuck in that prison so he couldn’t hurt anyone? The bitter truth of the matter was that I did not honestly know any more.


	4. Chapter 4

I started to shiver and as the high from the fight started to wear off I realized my favorite black leather jacket had been left behind in the bar. Fuck! I’d just got it to the point where it was perfectly broken in too. I knew it was gone but the thought of Weasel wearing it pissed me the hell off. That seemed to be my normal state of mind lately… depressed or pissed off or any combination of the two. I also hurt and felt faintly light headed and sick. I’d drank way too much tonight and the fight had not been nearly enough to work it out of my system. The heavens seemed to echo my mood and it began to pour. I looked around for some kind of meager shelter and saw a darkened shop doorway with a deep awning. I staggered to the front of the store and collapsed back in the corner. I was still cold, sore, heartsick and tired. But at least it was not raining on me anymore. I drew my knees up, rested my forehead on them and wondered how I was going to explain this latest debacle to Aya and Chloe.

My head felt stuffed full of cotton and I found that the oddly disconnected effect from the alcohol was actually kind of pleasant. I shifted a bit on the chilly concrete and something poked me in the thigh. I fished it out of my pocket and looked at my cell phone. Then it hit me…I needed to make amends. I opened the phone and stared stupidly at the screen for a few minutes before remembering I had the number I was wanting already programmed in. I held my breath as it rang.

“Hello? Is anyone there? Ken is that you?” A heartbreakingly familiar voice answered that was once bright and cheerful and the center of my universe. Now it was serious and deeper then I remembered.

“O… Omi? I wanted to call and tell you… M’sorry, sorry I fucked everything up.” My thoughts today had focused for a long time on him and hearing Omi’s voice and me begging forgiveness was a kind of penance.

“Ken? What are you talking about? Sorry? Has something happened?” He sounded a bit alarmed and I guess that was my fault too.

“I fucked up your life. You never should’ve loved me. I ruin everything I touch. You were right to dump me and leave.” My words were slurring together and my chest hurt.

“Ken you did not ruin anything. God… how can you even think that? We went through a lot together and it just didn’t work out. If anyone is to blame it’s me. I’m the one who walked away. I saw how messed up you were yet did nothing to help.” Omi sighed and sounded truly regretful.

“I don’t blame you I would have left me too. I just… just… I’m so fucked up. I don’t know what to do.” It was hard to breathe around the huge lump in my throat.

“What brought this on? Ken tell me what’s wrong. Have you been drinking? Where is Aya?” It was a mistake to have called him. It was wrong of me to drag him into my problems.

“Yeah… I left today and went to a shit hole of a bar. Got really drunk and tried to kill a guy.” A laugh escaped my lips that had absolutely no humor in it. “Just like old times.”

“Ken listen to me. Tell me where you are. I’ll call Aya and he can come get you.” Now I upset Omi and felt even worse if that was possible.

“Sorry… this was a mistake. I gotta go. I’m just so freaking sorry.” Before Omi’s protests could get too loud I ended the call. The wind had picked up and I scooted as far back into the alcove as I could.

Predictably the phone rang a few minutes later. I peered blearily at the number and it was Omi. I ignored the annoyingly cheerful ring tone till it quit then I leaned back against the building and closed my eyes. It was hard to believe how quickly things could go so wrong. I spent so much time looking after everyone else that I forgot to take care of myself. I was used to bottling things up or burying them deep inside. Don’t get me wrong the therapy I’d gotten several years ago had helped but I wondered if coping and denying were all I managed to accomplish. I felt as lost as I did back then and it was hard to let anyone in. At least deep down inside where the worst of the demons dwelt. I never even confessed some of the things I’d done. They were too shameful and I could not take the disgust that would follow if anyone knew.

The phone rang again and I didn’t even glance at the screen. I just turned the damned thing off and huddled in my little corner and pretended that the rest of the world did not exist.

I must have dozed off despite being fucking freezing. I could barely find the energy to lift my head as a car cruised slowly down the block. I watched it go past then turn around and come back. Squinting into the darkness I recognized its familiar shape and silver color. Chloe’s car…shit! I’d forgotten all about the tracer in the phone. I groaned and tried my best to sink into the alcove. My pitiful attempt to hide worked so spectacularly that the car stopped right at the closed storefront and two people got out. A blond and a red head. I really did not want to face them now and as Aya got closer the glare from the headlights illuminated his scowling face. He stopped in front of me and I actually cringed. Chloe was an unwelcoming shadow at his side.

“Ken where the hell have you been? Omi called and said you’d been drinking? He was frantic. He said you called him almost incoherent and blaming yourself for everything.” Aya’s harsh voice caused the lump in my throat to return. I hunched up and bowed my head.

“Just leave me alone. Yeah I’m fucked up. Yeah I got in a fight. I just can’t… I can’t…” I felt as if I were going to hyperventilate which did not help my lightheadedness.  
I felt two hands on my shoulders as they crouched down next to me. I heard a heavy sigh and a hand cupped my chin and raised my head. To my mortification tears filled my eyes and I tried to lower my head again.

“Ken I’m not mad… well I am but not for the reasons you think. We were worried about you. You’d been gone all day and Chloe said to leave you be. It started to get dark and we were worried. Then Omi called and said we needed to find you. What happened? Why did you leave?” His soft voice and obvious concern only made me feel worse.

“I just lost it. I had to get away for a while. I needed to get a drink and be alone.” I still wasn’t ready to talk about what was bothering me. Stupid I know but I’d held it in so long.

A gentle hand stroked my wet hair and lingered on my cheek.

“Why can’t you talk to us Ken? Tell us what is bothering you. We’ll help you get it all sorted out. We love you.” Chloe’s worry was my undoing. It sneaked past my defenses and a small evil part of me wanted to drive him away too. If they only knew… then Aya and Chloe would abandon me too.

My booze soaked brain recalled one of my shameful secrets and flung it out for the both of them to hear.

“I let him fuck me. I… I didn’t want to. It just happened and I let him. I let him back in and he fucked me.” Chloe frowned and let go of me in shock. Aya was no less stunned but did not take his hand off my arm. His fingers dug in at my blurted confession.


	5. Chapter 5

I looked into Chloe’s face after my blurted confession. I’d not meant to let that little gem from my past slip out like that. But then again I’d never been known for my tact. He appeared shocked and hurt all at the same time. Aya abruptly let go of my arm where he had been gripping it tightly enough to leave bruises. I didn’t turn to look at him and I could feel Aya’s anger and the disbelief. I slumped back down into the corner I was currently calling home and hid my face in my hands. I felt like crap and was only spreading the pain around. It was a sad truth but the vindictive side of me wanted to hurt others as well. Even the ones that I loved were not spared.

“What the hell are you talking about Ken? Who fucked you? How could you do this to us! You’ve been acting like a spoiled brat lately and I’m just about sick of it.” Ah there was the Chloe I used to know and loathe. I just can’t help bringing out the best in people.

“Are you trying to drive us away? Is that your game? What the hell are you hoping to accomplish by putting us through this?” Aya’s harsh voice cut through the fuzziness in my brain. Another reason not to drink…alcohol goes in and shameful confessions come out.

“Kase… It was Kase! Alright? He was the one I let fuck me!” Also my volume control was shot all to hell because I found myself yelling.

“Kase who is Kase?” Chloe yelled back and he sounded furious. He was a possessive lover and I was moments away from getting hauled to my feet to face his wrath. Aya was no less intimidating and I really didn’t want to piss him off even though I was trying my best to do just that.

“Chloe wait…just listen to me for a moment.” Aya pulled him out of the alcove and they talked quietly for a while. The rain had stopped but it had gotten colder with a brisk wind that chilled me to the bone.

When they returned Chloe still looked pissed but not so ready to take my head off.

“Ken we know you had a relationship with Kase in the past but…” I cut Aya off because I was determined to spill my guts about my oh so intelligent actions on that one mission.

“That mission when I found Kase was still alive… I went to see him to prove he had nothing to do with the Creeper Gang. I was so happy that at least one good thing from my time before Weiss survived. I just knew he couldn’t be part of that whole mess. He said he was innocent and I believed him. Kase said he was so happy to see me so I followed him back to his hotel room and let him fuck me. God I was such an idiot. He took me hard and it hurt like hell but it was a familiar pain. I welcomed that pain because it meant that a part of my former life was not dead. Then later…” I had to stop and take a deep breath as the memories I tried to block out with the booze reared their ugly head.

“It’s ok Ken you don’t have to say any more. I understand.” Aya’s soft voice made me angry. I didn’t want him to understand! I wanted him to see me as the weak cowardly person I really was. I shrank further back into the corner as he tried to touch me. Chloe crowded in from the other side and I felt the irrational need to flee. I couldn’t take their compassion and I didn’t want their pity either.

“I have to tell you all of it… then you’ll see. You’ll see what a… damn it! I just have to make you see. After I followed him to that ocean side mansion and confronted Kase, as he sat so casually in that patio chair, he mocked me. He made fun of my trusting nature. He laughed at my gullibility and he was proud of the fact that he hurt me and I let him do it. I just fucking laid there and let Kase hurt me. I was a pathetic idiot. Can’t you see that?” I clumsily got to my feet and shoved my way out onto the sidewalk.

I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to either ward off the cold or to keep from falling completely apart. “Can’t you see? I’m a fucked up mess. I ruin everything I touch.”

Aya and Chloe were at my side in an instant and I still couldn’t look at them. I tried to back away as they put their arms around me.

“Ken stop! Quit putting yourself down! We’ll help you get through this. You have to let us help.” I didn’t allow myself take any comfort from their touch. It was not something I deserved. I shivered and felt like either laughing hysterically at the joke my life had become or bursting out into tears. Manly of me huh?

“We need to get you back to the house and into a warm bed. By the look of your injuries and how drunk you appear to be tomorrow is not going to be fun.” Chloe gently kissed my bruised cheek and I just gave in. I was tired… so fucking tired.

“Come on Ken get into the car. Let’s go home.” I let myself be steered to the waiting car and Aya helped me into the front seat. I sat there docilely as he fastened the seatbelt.

“Ken where’s your bike? We need to get that back as well. Judging by this neighborhood it won’t be in the same spot come morning.” I tried to remember which direction the bar was in. It was hard to think and vaguely I pointed down a narrow side street.

I heard Chloe get in the back and I rested my head against the chilled window glass and closed my eyes. Aya started the car and pulled away from the curb. I dozed off again as the car heater slowly warmed me back up. I was still shivering and flinched when a hand touched my face.

“Is this the place Ken?” I sat up a bit, blinked a few times and looked out the window. Yup same dingy bar, same cracked and smoke hazed window.

“Yeah my bike’s around back… that is if it’s even still there.” I felt a momentary pang of loss at the thought of losing my motorcycle. But I couldn’t bring myself to really care. “It’s in the side parking lot.” Then I closed my eyes. I was beginning to feel really shitty again.

The car started moving and I assumed Aya drove into the lot. I heard Chloe’s relieved sigh as he spotted the Ducati right where I’d left it.

“Aya I’ll ride the bike back home and you take care of Ken.” Chloe leaned over the seat and kissed Aya deeply then nipped at the edge of my jaw before planting a noisy kiss there. “Don’t you dare barf in my car Ken. I’ll see you both at home.” He then got out and soon I could hear the sound of my Ducati starting up.

“Are you ok Ken?” Aya rested his hand on my shoulder and I just stayed curled up on the car seat.

“Yeah… Mmm… tired.” His hand remained there for a bit and I wondered what he wanted to say to me. Then it was gone and we were heading for home.

I could hear Aya hesitantly clear his voice. He wanted to talk some more and I really was in no mood to listen. I wanted to wallow in self pity for a while. I hunched down further in the seat hoping he’d ignore me. Aya had this overwhelming need to fix things though. You would not think it by looking at him but that was, perhaps, the biggest change in Aya since Weiss. It was brought about by loss, grief and him finally finding peace. I wish I could say the same thing about myself.

“Ken it’s not your fault. What happened on that mission I mean. You loved Kase and he betrayed you. Twice… you did what you had to do. You had no choice, none of us did.” So much for Aya staying out of it.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m tired and I just want to go home.” Truthfully I wanted to hide. I’d acted like a total idiot tonight and revisited that dark place deep inside me and almost killed a man in a stupid bar fight. I needed to try and sort things out.

“No! You are going to talk about it! Damn it Ken why are you avoiding us? You need help. These things that are making you withdraw from us need to be faced. You’re cracking under the strain and I don’t want to see you fall completely apart.” Gee now that was the understatement of the century. Aya blunt as always just rammed another spike in my cracked psyche. Too late…I’d fallen apart days ago.

“Just drop it Aya. Please.” I really felt lousy and Aya’s mother hen routine was getting old real quick.

“I can’t. You’re tearing us apart. For what? Because you won’t talk to us? Do you want to be alone? Is that what this is all about? Do you think we can’t handle the truth? We all have dark things inside us… things we’ve never told anyone. What could you have done that was any worse? Do you think you’ll disgust us? That we would abandon you because of it?” That was exactly what I was afraid of. Better to push them away before they found out what a loathsome creature I really was. A wave of nausea caused a burning sensation in my chest and a wash of hot saliva filled my mouth.

“Aya stop!”

“I’m not going to stop until I get some answers.” God I had about five seconds before I ruined the inside of Chloe’s car.

“Stop the car! Sick…please!” Finally understanding the situation the car came to a screeching halt and I barely remembered to unbuckle the belt before flinging open the door and noisily retching over the guardrail.

This was the fun part of drinking too much and every time I got to this stage I swore I’d never drink again. It’s funny how soon one forgets this inevitable result of overindulgence. God it felt like I was puking up my insides as I leaned heavily against the railing. Aya had gotten out of the car and put his hand on my back and rubbed in a soothing motion. The fact that he was beside me and not sitting in the car did comfort me. It was a feeling I desperately craved. After I was through depositing most of the alcohol and a few things I hoped weren’t my stomach and spleen into the bushes I sagged against the railing. I felt like shit. My gut ached, my throat burned and I had a foul taste in my mouth. The only up side to the situation was that I didn’t get any on myself.

“Are you alright now?” Aya had his arm around my shoulders and no doubt could feel me shivering. Partly from just trying to forcibly eject my insides and partly from being in damp clothing and freaking cold.

“No.” I really had nothing else to say.

“Are you finished being sick?” He was being so patient with me and I really didn’t deserve it. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Perhaps he was waiting for Chloe so they could double team me.

“Yeah just take me home so I can die in peace.” I groaned and stumbled back to the car. I heard Aya sigh and follow. Apparently he was not as calm as he appeared. I should give Aya credit though for not yelling. He took a moment to drape his coat around my shoulders which made me feel like an utter moron for being such an ass. But damn it I barely knew which way was up anymore. I just wanted to have my nervous break down in peace.

I got myself back inside and closed my eyes.

“Fasten your seatbelt Ken.” Jeez now he was telling me what to do. I suppose his faith in my ability to act rationally is seriously impaired. After all Aya wouldn’t want me to fling myself out of the car onto the freeway now would he? I did as I was told and returned to my slump in the seat.

“Ken we really need to talk when we get home. I...” Aya spoke so quietly that I barely heard him.

“Aya please can you just leave me alone? I feel like crap and don’t want to talk about it.” I pulled the coat tighter around me and inhaled the spicy scent of my lover’s cologne. It made me wonder how things had gone so wrong.

Aya and Chloe were still there for me but I felt that I could not be there for them. I hadn’t said I love you to them in weeks. I couldn’t help thinking that at least they had each other. That they’d be better off without a wreck of a lover to hold them back. It was a vicious circular argument but it was foremost in my mind as the car ride back stretched on and on.

When the car pulled into the garage and stopped I was more than ready to flee the uncomfortable silence. I didn’t even wait for Aya as I got out and went into the darkened shop. Before I could be stopped I retreated to my room and then into the bathroom. I locked the door and sat down. The odds of me being left in peace were nil but I hoped my lovers would get the message. I stripped and got into the shower. I sighed as the hot water finally warmed my aching body. It did nothing to soothe my troubled mind but that was nothing new. I hid in the bathroom as long as I dared before tucking a towel around my waist and opening the door. My head was pounding and I wanted to fall face first into my bed and make the world go away for a while.

Sure enough Aya was sitting on the bed waiting for me. Chloe was conspicuously absent and I did not blame him at all. I’d be absent too if I could manage it. Why did I feel like I was about to be grilled? I just wanted to get some sleep damnit not face all my demons. I knew that look on Aya’s face. It was grim determination and I was not ready to talk. I still had enough alcohol in my system to make my mouth act independently of my brain and I’d given away enough secrets. I went to the dresser and slipped on an old pair of faded sweat pants and flopped face down on the bed.

“Ken talk to me please.” Aya ran his hand up and down my back and I laid there and enjoyed his touch. I’d missed it and wished I could simply roll over and wrap myself around him.

“Not tonight Aya can’t we just forget how stupid I was? I just want to sleep.” I groaned as the stroking hands turned in to a massage. Did I mention my red haired lover had very talented hands?

“Ken it’s not just what happened tonight. You’ve been withdrawing for a few weeks and I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You push us away and it’s getting so frustrating. What do you want me to do?” Aya laid his head on my shoulder and I felt trapped.

“I just need to work some stuff out. That last mission brought up some things I need to deal with.” I sat up and rolled away from Aya’s touch.

“Well you aren’t dealing with it. You’re avoiding everyone, isolating yourself and acting like an idiot. You need to get past this. To get over what ever is bothering you.” Aya was starting to get angry with my attitude. Well so was I and his words pissed me off.

“Get over it? You’re telling me to fucking get over it? That’s rich! Like you got over the death of your parents and your sister’s coma? God Aya you let those events totally fuck up your life. You jeopardized missions to get your revenge and nearly killed us all doing it. Then when things fell apart you took off on your own and abandoned us. How is that getting over it? Now you want me to just shrug off everything and return to the simple bumbling idiot you claim to have feelings for. Don’t you see? I can’t get over it!” I was yelling and hurtful words were spewing out of my mouth.

Aya clenched his fists and stood up. His face was totally emotionless and his eyes bore into mine. I’d seen that look, usually right before he gutted one of his targets.

“How dare you! If you are so hell bent on being alone to wallow in your misery then fine! You apparently think so little of my feelings for you that you are purposely trying to hurt me. Well congratulations you have what you wanted!” Aya turned and stalked out of the room slamming the door after him.

I burrowed under the covers with a pounding headache and queasy stomach wallowing just like I was accused of doing. I tried to sleep but my inner voice was screaming me. It was telling me to go after Aya and beg his forgiveness because he was one of the two best things in my life right now. I groaned and grabbed my head when the door was flung open and hit the wall with a loud thump.

What the fuck did you do to Aya? He’s in his room and won’t talk to me. Isn’t it bad enough that you are hurting and miserable? Do you have to hurt us too? Damn it Ken what the hell is wrong with you? Answer me!” I deserved this anger, finally I was getting the reaction me self destructive side had been wanting.

“I can’t Chloe. I just can’t anymore. Go away. Go back to Aya. That’s what you want right? To have him all to yourself again.” It seemed I had no control over my mouth and now alienated my other lover.

“When and if you come to your senses we’ll be waiting. You need help and it seems we are not able to give you what you need. You want to be left alone? Fine then.” His exit was not as loud as Aya’s but left me feeling just as empty.

I got exactly what I wanted... to be alone with my demons.


	6. Chapter 6

Miserably I lay in bed feeling sick and completely ashamed of how I treated Aya tonight. Chloe was not too happy with me either and I got the feeling that I was going to have to tread on egg shells around them for a while. That is if I thought I deserved to have them back. I know I couldn’t spend the rest of my life moaning and feeling sorry for myself. Whether or not I deserved love was an old insecurity with me and one that I didn’t have the energy to cope right now. 

 

I had no right to take out my anger and frustration on my lovers. They had only been trying to help. I really was touched that they had gone looking for me and their tender care, once they understood my drunken babbling, made me realize how much of a shit I’d been. Now they were undoubtedly together and better off without me. I could imagine that Chloe talked softly to Aya until he calmed down enough to unlock the door. We rarely ever ended up in Aya’s room because it was his haven. The one place he had to retreat to when he needed to be alone. 

 

Truthfully I was not comfortable in there because it felt too much like I was intruding. Aya preferred neutral colors and traditional Japanese styling. It reminded him of home and he often chose to meditate on a cushion while incense burned on a low table. Tatami mats cover the floor and his furniture was lacquered in the deepest black. Behind the low bed was a carved three panel screen and two square chests sat on either side. A table in matching wood took up the space at the foot of the bed and a long low dresser was placed under the window. On the dresser sat a vase of fresh flowers that was replaced as soon as they started to wilt. The flower choice changed with the seasons or whatever caught his fancy. A higher table on the wall opposite the window held a silk painting of cherry blossoms and fanciful birds. The walls were painted medium beige and his bedding was a lush cinnamon brown. Other accents around the room were in various shades of red and brown all adding to the overall warmth of the room. 

 

The only concession to western design was his sitting area. A red leather loveseat occupied the nook and was surrounded on three sides by bookcases. Opposite the sitting area was a shelf with his incense burner and a large cushion sat on the floor beneath. Also on the shelf was the only picture of his parents that I’d ever seen. I couldn’t even remember what my parents looked like. But that was not the point… The point was that once Chloe got invited inside he would talk to Aya. They would talk about me and how pitiful I’d become. Like I was some fucking charity case. Now I wished I had puked in his car. They’d stay curled up together in Aya’s bed and probably laugh at the wreck I’d made of myself tonight. Then Aya would take out his frustrations by screwing Chloe into the mattress. There was no room for me at all in that scenario. The thought of them without me made me sick and I hurried to the bathroom to lose what little I had left in my stomach. 

 

This time there was no one to hold back my hair and tell me it was going to be alright. No one to place a soothing hand on my back and stay with me until the painful spasms stopped. No one to steer me back to bed and place a cool cloth on my forehead. Then most of all no one to hold me close while helpless tears trickled down my cheeks.  
Twice more I had to bolt for the bathroom to rid my body of the last of the alcohol I’d swilled all afternoon. By the time dawn painted the sky a deep purple I was a weak, shivering, wrung out mess. My head pounded and my guts felt as if I’d swallowed acid. The vile taste in my mouth did not even bear thinking about as I tried to get some sleep. At least I was so bloody tired that my brain had ceased its useless meandering. It was blank and I let my eyes sag shut praying for oblivion. 

 

It must have worked because the next thing I became aware of was the door to my room banging loudly against the wall. Reluctantly I opened my eyes and winced at the stabs of pain. I’d wished now that my curtains filtered out the harsh daylight instead of allowing my room to be so agonizingly bright. Through my bleary eyes I could make out the form of my morning visitor. I groaned… it was Michel and I really could not deal with him this morning. 

 

“Ken! I’m glad you’re home. We were all so worried. Are you alright? Aya said you were sick. Do you need some medicine? How about some soup? Free always brings me chicken noodle when I’m sick. Want me to make you some? It’s only the canned stuff but it’s really good.” He plopped on the edge of the bed and the slight shift in the mattress made me dizzy. 

 

“Go away.” It was all I could manage as I burrowed under the covers. 

 

“What? Are you sure? I want to help. You’ve been so sad lately and I thought you could use some cheering up. Aya said not to bother you but I wanted to see you. I’ll listen if you want to talk” Aya said… Aya said… I was getting sick to death of hearing that. 

 

Damn it Michel was only slightly less fucked up than I was and I did not need his fake cheerfulness. Especially this morning. 

 

“I don’t give a rat’s ass what Aya said!” I flung back the covers and sat up and ignored my pounding head. God how can they all be so cheerful? Pretending that we didn’t kill for a living. At least I was suitably horrified about the thrill it gave me when we took one more piece of human filth off the streets.

“So get the fuck out and leave me alone! Why can’t you understand I just want to be left alone!” I shrieked at Michel and flung one of my pillows at his head. What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn’t help taking out my bad mood on him even though he’d done nothing wrong. 

 

Michel was so surprised that he didn’t even duck. The pillow got him square in the face and he gasped in shock. I had to close my eyes against the incredibly hurt look on his face. 

 

“I… I’m sorry. K...Ken please I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll leave.”

I risked a look when I felt him get up. Michel’s eyes swum with tears and he sniffled noisily. God now I felt like scum for making him cry. 

 

I collapsed back onto the bed and pulled the covers over my head appalled at what I’d done. 

 

It was not more than an hour later when I heard my door open again. I’d been lying in bed trying not to think and give my head a chance to stop pounding. I’d managed to swallow some aspirin and that helped a little. Good grief why couldn’t I be left alone? Someone had walked into my room and was standing by the bed. I wondered if they were enjoying the view. I risked a glance at my visitor. Oh Shit… It was Free and he looked pissed. Rarely did the man lose control of his emotions. Usually his face was a placid mask and you were left to wonder what was going on behind his pale grey eyes. I guess crawling under the bed was out of the question. What the hell had I done to make him mad? Oh… right… Michel. I’d made the chibi cry so the watchdog had come to take a piece out of my hide. 

 

“Just get it over with Free. Yell at me for being an insensitive prick and then leave. Hit me if you like. I don’t give a shit.” It appeared my mouth had a death wish and had not informed my brain. 

 

“What is wrong with you? Was it really necessary to take out your bad mood on Michel when he was only worried about you?” Free’s voice was deadly calm and I figured that if I said the wrong thing I might actually end up getting hit a few times.Free was immensely strong and I really did not want to feel his ire first hand. 

 

“Look I just need to work some things out ok? I went out and had a few drinks. So what? Yeah I got into a bar fight too… big fucking deal! I didn’t mean to yell at Michel but he shouldn’t have come busting in here first thing in the morning.”

I’m in a bitchy mood. So sue me. Hangovers tend to do that to me.

“First thing in the morning? It is nearly one in the afternoon. You are out of control Ken. If you don’t get things sorted out soon bad things will happen. You will endanger yourself and the team. Do you want to be responsible for getting someone killed?” True to form Free cut right to the heart of the matter. Fuck! I’d totally lost track of time. 

 

“Did your cards tell you that? What the hell did you see? Yeah I know I’m a fuck up but I just need some time that’s all. The last thing I want is to get someone…to get… damn it! Just get out! Leave me alone!” God that last thing I needed was to have one more death on my conscience. 

 

“I’ll leave. But listen to me Ken. You take out your temper on Michel or get him hurt and I will take you apart. Do you understand me? Get some help Ken. Go to Aya and Chloe, talk to them. Before you self destruct. Whether you believe it or not losing you is the one thing that they could not bear. They love you and if you can’t see that then you are a bigger fool than I thought.”

What a mess… a death threat and advice on my love life all in one speech. Free stood there for a few moments and when I said nothing else he left the room slamming the door behind him. 

 

Wearily I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror above the sink and winced. Bloodshot and sleep crusted brown eyes stared back at me. My cheek was bruised and my nose red. My hair was sticking out all over in random clumps and stubble covered my jaw. I looked horrible and needed to get the vile taste out of my mouth. I nearly gagged on my mint toothpaste and brushed quickly. My stomach was still doing flip flops and I really didn’t want to be sick again.   
I debated for a moment whether or not to shave and decided I might as well. At least it would make me look less like a caveman.

I was really shaky by the time I’d finished and turned on the shower so I could get the stench off my body. I smelled of alcohol and sickness. Normally I would stand under the pulsating jets of water and let them ease the tension from my body. No amount of hot water would loosen the knots in my muscles. I wanted to get clean and then retreat back to my bed. I grabbed the body wash and squirted some into my hand. The shower filled with the aroma of sandalwood. I must have grabbed Aya’s by mistake and I bit my lip as memories of the intimate moments we shared in this very cubical came rushing in with that familiar scent. 

 

I could almost see Aya and Chloe as their water beaded skin brushed against mine as we moved in tandem. They were always so careful with me and made sure they were attentive and considerate lovers. God I was such an idiot for pushing them away. But the damage had been done and I was so fucked up that I was bound to lash out at my lovers again. It was better for me to stay away and let them rekindle the relationship they’d had before I came into the picture. It was just better this way... I needed to be alone. Hell at least then I couldn’t hurt anyone else. 

 

I was lightheaded by the time I rinsed my hair and leaned against the tiled wall for a moment after shutting off the water. I took a towel off the warming rack and stepped out. I really needed to eat something but there was no way I could face anyone. I went into the bedroom and pulled on some sweats and a t-shirt. Then I rummaged in the wardrobe for my stash of energy bars and trail mix. I grabbed a granola bar and forced myself to eat it. Miraculously it stayed down so I took two more and ate them as well. It seemed as though my stomach was settling down and to further speed the process I went to the newest addition to my room. It was a mini fridge concealed in a wooden cabinet. I figured the electrolytes in the sports drink would do me some good though the salty sweet taste of the fruit punch almost made me gag. 

 

I’d satisfied my rumbling stomach and my parched mouth and wished I had something to satisfy my wounded spirit. I’d managed to alienate almost everyone in the house and it was only a matter of time before KR sent his secretary to have a chat with me. It was my greatest fear that I’d be locked up again. There was no way I’d ever let that happen again... no matter what. Mihirogi would let nothing endanger the team and at the very least I’d be put on inactive status. I did not want to contemplate the other alternatives. The thought of Aya and Chloe going out on missions without me to watch their back was hard to live with but I was no use to them in this condition.

Free was right I was likely to get one of them hurt or killed. I crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up under my chin. I closed my eyes and horrific scenarios played over and over in my head. Ones of me going berserk and laughing as I cut my target to ribbons. Or even worse losing it completely and hurting one of my team or running off leaving them without back up. 

 

These were all things I’d been guilty of in the past and felt capable of doing again. More sleep was impossible so I got up and went back to my wardrobe. I pulled from the very back a beat up box and set it on the floor. I sat down and opened the flaps. Inside was the sum total of my life. This was a photo album, a scrap book and various medals and mementos. I picked up the scrap book and looked through its yellowed pages. It contained my life in J-league up until I got banned for throwing a game. There were even the newspaper accounts of the fall of their golden boy. I don’t know why I kept every story and accusatory article. I guess it’s what’s maintained my thirst for the truth. Then after it became a sad reminder of what I’d lost. There it was...my whole rise to fame and spectacular crash and burn. Fuck... why did I feel the need to stumble back down memory lane lately?

Without even thinking about what I was doing I tore a page out of the book. I looked at the article proclaiming me the star goalie, the golden child and one of the youngest professional players. I got some sort of grim satisfaction in ripping it to shreds. Then I began to mutilate the entire book. The floor around me became littered with the torn up remnants of my short lived career as an athlete. Not even the photo album was spared. My breathing grew more ragged with each picture I tore out. 

 

It felt as if I was ripping my heart out of my chest. Team photos, publicity shots, pictures of the places I’d visited on away games. They were all in there...then I got to the one picture I was dreading the most. It had been taken by a team mate and it had Kase and I with our arms around each other’s shoulders and we were grinning like idiots. To think the man I‘d loved actually harbored a deep seated resentment for me. Enough of a one to set me up for a fall and eventually my own demise by fire. Still I couldn’t bear to tear it up. I looked at the photo and cursed myself for being a fool. One of the things I’d done and not told the others was to pay for a decent burial for Kase. After all I was the one that sent him to hell I should have to pay for it right? I just didn’t want Kase to end up cremated and his ashes placed in a pauper’s grave. He’d meant something to me once and I’d gone to Manx and begged her to see that he got a proper burial. Even though I never had the courage to visit his resting place I was assured that my wishes had been honored. The picture in my hand grew blurry and I cast it aside unable to look at his smiling face. 

 

I also avoided all of the other shots with the two of us and I cast them aside as well. Then I got to the very last pages... the ones with the few candid shots of Weiss. Omi had gotten a camera the second year we were all together and there were a few pictures of us all. God we looked so young. Omi looked so happy and so much like the young man I’d fallen in love with after Kase’s betrayal. Was I even happy back then? I did not have an answer for that question. I mean we had our moments...there was laughter and more than our share of tears too. It was all too fucking painful right now. I flung the rest of the album away and it hit my dresser and broke the mirror above with a loud crash. Gee seven years bad luck...it seemed so fucking appropriate that I wanted to cry. Too late I already was. I needed to get out of the middle of the destruction I’d caused. I needed to hide... even from myself. I fled again, which is something I’d gotten really good at, and headed up stairs. I wanted to be where no one would find me for a while and chose the small cramped attic. 

 

I collapsed onto an old sofa with a ripped cushion and a missing leg and hid my face behind my arms. It was very cold up here and I curled into a miserable shivering ball. I was better off up here where there was nothing for me to destroy or anyone to abuse.


	7. Chapter 7

It really did no good hiding up in the attic. The only thing I got was more depressed, a nose full of musty sofa and fucking cold. Still I didn’t want to go back downstairs after my brilliant display to Aya, Chloe, Michel and Free. The only person I hadn’t managed to alienate was Yuki. But given that he was a confidant of Michel’s the chibi probably told him to stay away from the crazy man.

I couldn’t remain up here all night. I was hungry and still did not feel well. Leave it to my stomach to be the reason I went back downstairs. My tantrum had solved nothing and I was afraid of what I might do next. I needed to get my head straight and soon. I uncurled from my huddled up position on the sofa and groaned as my cramped muscles screamed in protest. I levered myself to my feet and winced as they touched the icy floor. I shuffled to the stairs like a man three times my age. Every scar and old injury ached like a bitch as I grabbed the handrail and climbed down.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out where I’d been and yet no one had come looking for me. Not that I blamed them…my friends probably figured I’d be up for round two of dish out the abuse. I didn’t want to face the mess I’d made in my room either but I had no where else I really wanted to go. I would sneak down to the kitchen later for something to eat. I heard voices and stopped. Aya and Chloe were inside and I debated leaving. But damn it this was my room and I had every right to be there. I didn’t want a round of lectures on what an idiot I’d been lately. The door was opened slightly and I wondered what the hell they were doing in there. They were probably waiting to ambush me and I felt that anywhere was better than going inside my room at the moment. I should have known though that Aya and Chloe would have heard me... hello... assassins.

The door was pushed open wider and Chloe stood in the opening. He was wearing his usual silk pajama bottoms and a short robe both in scarlet red. His platinum hair framed his face and gracefully draped over one eye. I simply stared like a thief caught red handed. I truly didn’t know what to say. Apparently neither did Chloe because for once he was silent and looked back at me uncertainly. I could not look him in the eye for long as guilt over my actions and thoughts crept back in. I glanced over his shoulder at Aya and inhaled sharply. He was sitting on the floor sorting the mess of my personal belongings into neat piles. The broken glass from the mirror was also missing and judging by Aya’s bare feet they had cleaned up the mess till not a sliver remained. Aya was also dressed for bed in deep burgundy silk pajamas and his hair was braided and tied off with a bit of black ribbon. He looked up at me and sadly shook his head.

“Why Ken? You held onto these things for so long. Why destroy them now.” Aya didn’t shout. He didn’t accuse. He just whispered in a very distraught little voice that speared me right through the heart.

I wrapped my arms around myself and looked at the floor. Why did I tear up all my mementos? I was angry and thought that destroying the tangible bits of my past might make me feel better. It didn’t... big surprise there.  
“I don’t know. I just wanted to... to I guess try and forget. To get rid of the reminders. Damn it I know it was stupid. I was pissed and needed to do something.” Chloe touched my shoulder and I flinched.

I watched Aya gracefully rise to his feet and walk over to me. I couldn’t meet his eyes and see the pity I knew would be there. Chloe stepped closer behind me and I would have slithered out of his embrace if Aya had not been right in front of me.

“Don’t push us away. Please. We need you. No... I need you Ken. It hurts to see you self destructing and there is not a damned thing I can do to stop it. Let me in... I want to share your pain.” What could I say to that plea from Aya? I knew I should back away. I did not want to drag him down to the dark place inside me. He still had plenty of demons and did not need mine as well.

“I want to help. You shouldn’t be alone right now and I can’t bear the thought of you torturing yourself. I’m worried that you’ll... that you might...” Chloe placed his arms around my waist and buried his face against my neck.

“That I’ll what? Kill myself?” I couldn’t help it but I laughed. My lovers looked at me alarmed and Aya grabbed my shoulders and rested his forehead to mine. All I could see was his prettily handsome face and intense violet eyes. “I’d thought about it but I’m too much of a fucking coward to do it.”

I’d been so selfish. At the mention that I had even contemplated it Aya and Chloe gripped me tighter as if afraid I’d disappear. Their scents enveloped me and my lovers warm breaths stirred the hair that lay against my neck. Despite wanting to hold onto my pain like some precious gift I could feel it receding. I couldn’t help it I melted into their arms and closed my eyes. I was so fucking tired... tired of everything. I just wanted to make it go away for a while.

“You can’t leave me like that Ken! I won’t let you!” Aya’s voice was tinged with desperation and it made me horribly guilty to have caused him pain. See what being with me did? It hurt those around me.

“Don’t you think we’d be devastated? Do you think that you mean so little to us? How can you be so selfish?” Chloe’s fingers dug into my arms and I welcomed the pain. I needed it to ground me.

“Ran, Chloe make the ache go away. Make me forget... at least for a little while.” I whispered as I kissed the hollow of Aya’s throat. I felt him swallow against my lips and his hand slid up into my hair.

I needed them and I didn’t give a damn if it fixed nothing. I wanted the oblivion of being thoroughly fucked. I felt Chloe’s hands slide under the hem of my T-shirt to trace the taut muscles of my back. The light scrape of his nails made me shiver. Aya grasped my hair and pulled. He looked deeply into my eyes and I’m sure he could see the wounded animal lurking there. Chloe placed a kiss on the back of my neck and stepped away. I wondered if they were going to refuse what I was asking for. That is until I heard my door shut and the click of the lock. I couldn’t hold the intense violet gaze of my lover. I looked away and presented my throat to Aya. It was a temptation he couldn’t resist and bit me lightly under the jaw. Aya knew all my weak points and exploited them tenderly. His tongue traced the shell of my ear and he took the lobe in his mouth and sucked. Aya’s hands splayed across my chest and flicked at my nipples through the fabric of my shirt. I figured Chloe was nearby watching. He really got off looking at Aya reduce me to an incoherent wreck. I could imagine my icy blond stroking himself through his pajama pants and hissing as the cool silk slid across heated skin. When it became too much Chloe would join us and I would bear the brunt of his pent up need.

There was a problem though. I didn’t want sweet, tender or caring lovemaking. I wanted to be used and overwhelmed. I wanted to be ravished and punished. I knew the bed was but a few steps directly behind me and I grabbed Aya’s shirt and tugged him backward. He gasped in surprise as he lost his balance and I landed on my back on the bed. Aya sprawled on top of me and after a moment he started to get up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and bucked my hips upward. He groaned as our groins met and the friction of the clothing that separated us rubbed sensitive flesh.

“Ran fuck me. I want you inside me now.” I trailed my fingers down his chest and into the waistband of his pants. I could feel that Aya was getting hard and gave him an experimental stroke. I wanted to be naked under him now.

“Wait I have to get the lube and I...Ah...Ken.” I gave him a squeeze as his cock twitched in my hand.

“I don’t care! Take me hard. Fuck me now.” I lowered my legs and slid the pajamas off his slender hips and gripped his ass with both hands.

I felt the bed dip and I turned my head. Chloe had shed his clothes and joined us. He tossed a tube onto the blanket next to my hip.

“I’m not going to hurt you Ken. Let me get undressed and let Chloe and I take care of you.” Aya did sit up this time and he removed his shirt then kicked the pajama bottoms to the floor.

I ripped my t-shirt off and slithered out of my sweat pants. I reached for Aya again determined to get my way.

“I don’t care! Use me! Fuck me! I don’t want gentle I just want to forget.” My voice held more than a tinge of desperation. I couldn’t take tenderness right now. I was afraid I’d come apart in their arms and not be able to pick up the pieces.

Aya’s eyes darkened and he pushed me to the bed. I’d made him angry and could hear Chloe’s confused questions as to why.  
“I am not going to treat you like he did! God Damnit Ken I am not going to abuse you because you think you need to be punished! I Am Not Kase! I don’t get off on hurting you! That’s what this is all about isn’t it? He fucked you up and if he was here in front of me I swear I’d kill him again.” Aya glared down at me and I felt dirty and ashamed.

“You don’t understand! I NEED this. I can’t... I ...” What was I trying to say? That deep down I wanted them to hate me too? That if I let them use me Aya and Chloe would see what a loathsome creature I was. After all I was used to letting people use me.

“Ken make us understand. Tell us what is bothering you so much that you think you need to be treated roughly? We want to understand. Please.” Chloe brushed the hair out of my eyes and I batted his hand away.

“You want to understand? Fine! I’m no stranger to being used! I guess I’m too dirty for you to fuck huh? Just call me the slut of Weiss!” Another one of my filthy little secrets would come to light and then they really wouldn’t want anything to do with me. If they couldn’t give me what I needed then I’d drive them away.

“What are you talking about Ken? You told us you had not had many partners before us? Was that a lie?” Aya looked genuinely hurt. If there was one thing he could not tolerate it was a liar.

“Ken that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I was not exactly celibate before I met Aya. While I don’t like the fact that you might not have been honest I don’t make a habit of telling Aya about my previous partners.” I scooted out from under my red haired lover and retreated to the head of the bed.

“Well Aya hasn’t had every member of Weiss between his legs now has he?” I spat back at them bitterly.

Incredulity at my blurted confession gave way to open mouthed shock. If the situation had not been so pathetic it might have been funny.

“Yohji too?” Aya whispered in disbelief.


	8. Chapter 8

“Ken…when did you…” Aya just let the sentence trail off as if he still couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Even Chloe looked surprised to find out I’d slept with all of my former team. 

 

Uncomfortable with my nakedness I grabbed a pillow from the bed and hugged it to my chest. I was not proud of the things I’d done in my past and left alone to fester inside me the dam had finally burst. Although they were not ready to hear all I’d done and I was not ready to tell them. The part with Yohji though…I would impart all the gory details. I did not even meet their eyes as I begun my tale of how I’d fallen prey to the blond’s charms. 

 

“God, Aya… Yohji and I were the worst two Kritiker agents to send to Germany. Even though Yohji got the job done. He didn’t even wait for me to back him up before he confronted that woman on the rooftop. It almost cost Yohji his life. I always wondered if he hadn’t wished she’d actually killed him. Like some sort of fucked up penance for taking out that Schrient bitch Neu. He got too close to her and it tore him up. I wish to fucking hell that Kritiker hadn’t used him that way. Yohji was the most appealing to women so he got all the jobs involving seduction.”

Thinking about that time in our lives and what it did to one of my dearest friends made me want to grab the nearest bottle of alcohol and crawl right back in. 

 

“I know Ken… But it’s what we had to do. Yohji knew that. We all did.” I couldn’t help it I glared at Aya for just accepting the situation.

 

“No it wasn’t alright…How can you fucking sit there and say it was? You dumped Yohji and I had to be the one to hold him together and keep him from pickling his brain with booze or getting stoned out of his mind. Damn it Aya I could barely take care of myself! We never should have been on active status!” Aya didn’t deserve to be yelled at…really. This shit was all in the past but I could not keep it there anymore. 

 

“Ken stop. Aya did not mean to sound like it was alright. He had his own crosses to bear.” I included Chloe in my glare this time. He didn’t understand. How could he? I flinched when he reached out to try and touch my leg. I’m sure it was meant as a comforting gesture but right now I felt trapped. 

 

“Ken I didn’t want to let Yohji go. He pushed me away. He was so wrapped up in his own pain that he wouldn’t let anyone in. I guess Yohji had something to prove to himself when he took that mission. He was acting like you are now. Please don’t shut me out. I can’t lose you too.” Aya looked at me with pain filled eyes and it hurt. I’d done this to him. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat and resisted the urge to fling myself in his arms. I needed to finish what I started. I hugged the pillow tighter to my chest and looked down at the bed. 

 

“I had to watch him all the time. Did you know that? I didn’t dare put it in the reports I sent. Yohji didn’t mention my violent outbursts as well… we were afraid of what would happen to us. We just needed to get through this mission.”

I didn’t tell them that during that time I had precious little to do other than be Yohji’s back up so I did some hunting on my own. At least I confined my killing to street scum but that did not cover up the fact that it was murder. Vigilante justice not sanctioned by Kritiker. So while Yohji was trying to screw information out of his target I was knifing drug dealers and pimps. It would have been so easy to cross that line. Out of all of Schwarz Farfarello used to freak me out the worst. I guess it was because I could see a little bit of myself in him. Deep down inside I realized that it could have been me. I repressed and I denied until all of my dark thoughts spilled out and turned into more than just sick fantasies. 

 

“Why didn’t you say something? We could have brought you home. We could have gotten the both of you help. Ken…If you’d only said something Yohji might have…”

So there it was at last. The blame for that whole mess. It’s what I’d been expecting.

 

“You think I don’t know that? What do you think they would have done to us Aya? Sent us to some nice posh spa for a relaxing vacation? Give me a fucking break! They would have locked us up and thrown away the key. Did you know Saijou wanted to leave me to rot in that prison psyche ward? Omi stood up to him and even though I had to stay there a while the old bastard conceded to getting me some help. If he had not been so feeble and sick at that point Omi would have had no say in the matter.”

Despite finding out that Omi had interceded on my behalf I still resented him for leaving me there. 

 

“I had no idea… I’m so sorry Ken.” This time when Aya moved closer to me I pretended not to care. I let him place his hand on my shoulder. 

 

“It’s not…It’s.” I had to stop and take a deep shuddery breath. “It’s not your fault. Sure I wanted to leave Kritiker and run far away. I see now that would have made things worse. You have to understand that Yohji and I were all each other had. We couldn’t confide in anyone else. After… after Yohji killed the bitch he was a total mess. The physical injuries were not nearly as bad as I reported. He needed the time to pull himself together. We both did. I had to watch him drink himself into a stupor every night and listen to him screaming as the nightmares became too much. I had to make sure he didn’t leave and find something stronger to fry his brain with.”

This conversation was like cutting myself with a razorblade. The old pain became sharp and almost unbearable.

“Ken you did the best you could. It’s amazing you both were able to come back and complete the mission at all.” Chloe stroked the side of my face and it was then I became aware of the dampness on his fingers. God, I was losing it. 

 

“After four days of trying to dry him out Yohji snapped. He tried to leave the hotel room. I had to stop him and got punched for my efforts. I wrestled him away from the door and we fell back onto one of the beds. He kept yelling that he had to get out. That he was going nuts in here. I yelled back that there was no way in hell I was letting him leave. He stopped at that point and realized the position he was in. I was flat on my back under him breathing heavily. I was ready to hit him when he smiled. It scared the hell out of me. He said if I wouldn’t let him go then it was up to me to distract him.”

Just to prove how fucked up I was I felt a wash of heat at that memory. Back when we’d first met I’d had a crush on the blond. He was so far out of my league that I soon gave it up as a vague fantasy. 

 

“Ken did he? Did he force you?” I had to laugh at Aya’s assumption. It was inappropriate and had the two of them looking at me rather alarmed. I just shook my head. 

 

“Aya I could have killed him with my bare hands. He was still nursing cracked ribs and a basically banged up body. No…I let him fuck me. I even enjoyed it. It had been so damned long. I missed being close to someone. I spread my legs like some whore and let him use me. After… afterwards he just got off of me and collapsed on the other bed. Yohji wouldn’t even look at me or talk to me. The cum on my stomach was not even cold yet and he’d discarded me. I slunk off to the bathroom and took a boiling hot shower. When I got back out he was asleep. God I felt even more alone than before.”

Now maybe they’d see how incapable of having a relationship I was. 

 

“I can’t believe Yohji would do that. He was not like that.” Aya tried to deny the hard truth I was trying to tell him. 

 

“We were fucked up Aya. Yohji was not the man you remembered and neither was I. It didn’t end there though… I let him do it again. We spent a month in that hotel room and I let him use me whenever he wanted. I took a small amount of comfort in being close to him but he always pushed me away afterwards. I didn’t really want him either but it was all I had. It’s weird but it was almost as if we were exorcising our demons in each others bodies. At least that’s what we told ourselves. We both pulled ourselves together and were finally able to leave and join you. It was all a big fat lie. We’d just stuffed our anger, pain and grief deep down inside. Yohji and I were like time bombs. Ticking away until something set us off. You pretty much know the rest.”

I was all talked out and wanted to hide. I lowered my head to the pillow and hoped they’d go away.

I felt gentle hands in my hair and tried to shrug them off. Chloe and Aya were beside me touching me lightly stroking my arms and shoulders. They were trying to comfort me and it somewhat amazed me. 

 

“How can you stand to touch me? I’m… I’m dirty. I’m not worth your time.” A hand cupped my chin and raised my head. I opened my eyes and stared into brilliant aquamarine. Chloe was looking intently at me. 

 

“Is that why you freaked out so badly when I approached you in the green house? You were afraid of being used again?” He looked so concerned for me that it nearly broke my heart. 

 

“Yes. I was so scared. I couldn’t go through being rejected. After we left that hotel room Yohji never mentioned it again. I tried to bring it up once. I guess I was just so lonely and Omi was being so cold to me. Yohji’s only words to me were that it never happened. Then he walked away. I swore I wouldn’t let someone get that close to me. I was better off being happy go lucky Ken. Everyone’s friend. I’d even sorta gotten used to being alone. That is until you dropped that bombshell on me.”

Aya brushed his knuckles across my wet cheeks and raised his hand to his lips. 

 

“Do you regret being with us?” He said it so softly that I almost didn’t hear the words.


	9. Chapter 9

His question surprised me even though I wondered the same thing about them. I thought a moment and to decide if I truly did. I might not have been incredibly happy before Chloe barged into my life dragging Aya but it was a lot less complicated.

“I…I can’t say that being with you two has been easy.” I stopped and took a deep breath. “But no I don’t regret it. I truly love you Aya.” I saw the flash of hurt on Chloe’s face that I did not include him in my statement.

“Well I’ll just leave you two alone then.” I watched him start to get up. Oh jeez I’m really messing this up. Chloe was leaving so I reached out and grabbed his arm.

“Wait…you didn’t let me finish.” I tugged on that arm and Chloe sat back down then I scooted closer. I touched his face and marveled at the softness of his skin.

“You love Aya but how do you feel about me Ken. You've said you loved me too but is that just for Aya’s sake?” I could get lost in the intense blue of his eyes.

“I’ll admit when I first met you I thought you were a pompous, sanctimonious, prick. You seemed to take delight in teasing the hell out of me. It used to piss me off so much. I came so close to decking you Chloe. It’s a good thing I used to have some control over my temper.” I took his other hand in mine and stroked the backs with my thumbs.

“And now.” Chloe asked such a seemingly simple question but my feelings for him were anything but simple.

“Despite wanting to throttle you half the time when we first met I thought you were one of the most beautiful people I’d ever met. It made me feel so inadequate I guess. That’s one of the reasons your proposition scared the hell out of me. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. Strike that… I know I’m not good enough for either of you. Aya you are the other most beautiful person I’d ever met. God I was so jealous of the two of you. It seemed natural for you to be together. Then… then when you came to me in that greenhouse Chloe I guessed it was just for Aya’s sake.” Aya laid his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my waist. This needy insecure side of Aya kinda freaked me out a little. Had I made him this way?

“Well it was partially true Ken I won’t deny it. I used to tease you so much because you are truly gorgeous when angry. You’d go all feral and dominating. It used turn me on terribly and I’d have to go and jump Aya or embarrass myself right there. Aya confronted me about it and asked me why I didn’t just leave you alone or try and get along. I love Aya too and it made me feel guilty that I was so strongly attracted to someone else. Truthfully it made me angry too. I couldn’t resist baiting you though and when Aya found out I was sure I’d see the business end of his Katana.” Chloe chuckled and Aya sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Why does everyone think I’m going to go ballistic and run them through with my sword?” Aya groused as he played the long suffering martyr card to perfection.

“Um because we are all actually scared to death of you darling.” Chloe purred and batted his eyelashes at our lover.

“You’re insane. But then I’m one to talk. At least you don’t run off and start bar fights.” Sometimes I wondered if there was any sanity to be found anywhere in this motley crew.

“Anyway Ken dear we talked to each other and Aya confessed he had feelings for you too and had been hiding it. He feared he’d hurt me and I’d leave him. We were a right mess back then. Aya was all moody and depressed. I was perpetually horny and you were pissed off. Once Aya and I decided to approach you it was I that wanted to talk to you first. If Aya had come to you it would have made you feel guilty about him cheating on me. Honestly…that first kiss we shared you were so startled and freaked out. It was totally delicious and if you could have seen the look on your face. So yes my initial feelings were lust and the desire to see Aya happy. But if the attraction had not been there I would not have agreed to let you in. Not even for Aya’s sake.” Chloe gripped my hands and leaned in to brush his lips against mine.

“Ken you can see Chloe cares about you. He loved you once he really got to know you. Selling yourself short is a major failing you have. You are warm, loving, generous, and you protect the ones you care about fiercely. Yes you have a temper and yes you do boneheaded things at times. But that is all part of who you are. I care about you. I love you. Even all the dark places because I have them too. We all do and you don’t have to be alone. Let us help you though this crisis. Please Ken I can’t just sit idly by while you self destruct.” There was a hint of desperation in Aya’s voice and I could not ignore it.

“Chloe I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to give you the impression I don’t love you. It’s just…I don’t think that our feelings for each other are enough. I’m falling apart and I can’t drag you down with me. You’re better off without me. I’m fucking nuts, a real head case and I can’t deal with this. Just go before I beg you to stay.” Chloe’s earlier attempts to make me feel better seemed like a distant memory and all I felt was cold despite the arms of my lovers encircling me. I focused on the bed covers trying to blink away the tears blurring my eyes. I was an emotional wreck and ashamed of breaking down again in front of Aya and Chloe.

I gasped and looked up as my shoulders were grabbed and I was given a rough shaking.

“Damn it Ken I’m not leaving you! Quit trying to push us away! I’m tired of this noble shit. You don’t pull it off very well and don’t even think about lashing out and hoping I’ll get pissed off enough to leave anyway.” Aya’s grip was painful and his voice harsh. Rarely did he curse like that and only when he was very upset. This of course made me feel worse.

“I’m sorry. I…” Aya interrupted me with a glare.

“Ken we don’t want your apologies. We just want you to trust us. Let us take care of you. Please…You need help and I can’t lose you either.” Chloe’s soft voice and light touch on Aya’s arm made him release me from his bruising grip.

Usually it was Chloe flying off the handle and Aya was the calming influence. But the blond was the mediator this time since Aya and I could not seem to find a middle ground. He was our buffer so we didn’t say or do anything we would later regret. Did I trust Aya and Chloe to take care of me? To put my best interests first? I not sure if I really did. I decided to try.

“I trust you; I just don’t know what to do. I have all these memories and feelings inside and they won’t give me any peace. I used to be able to shove them away and burry them deep.” I was so tense that I was almost vibrating and I had a pounding headache at the base of my skull.

“You need to relax. How long has it been since you had a good night’s sleep?” Aya had regained his temper and now it was his soothing deep voice that was trying to calm me.

“You mean other than collapsing in a drunken stupor? It’s been about a week.” That was right about the time I started locking myself in my room alone at night. Unbeknownst to my lovers I’d used alcohol in the past to get me through some rough patches. I always kept a small stash in my room and had been careful to hide the slight hangovers from any overindulgence. I really didn’t need another lecture so I kept the information about my liquid sleeping aids to myself. In fact if they had left the room like I’d asked I probably would have drunk till I passed out. Just to get some peace.

“Here Ken Lie down on your stomach.” I resisted as Chloe started to push me forward. I really wasn’t in the mood to fuck anymore.

“I’m really not in the mood. Can’t we just stay here like this?” I stiffened under Chloe’s hands and didn’t lie down.

“Like what? Ken you are so tense it’s making me ache. You said you trusted us. So do as Chloe asks.” How could I refuse Aya’s command? There was more leader to Aya right now than lover.

Hell I owed them anyway. If they wanted to use me too I’d let them and feel guilty about it later. I sighed and stretched out on my stomach. I tensed when I heard the snap of a plastic cap. I might not be feeling very turned on but they could get me there eventually. Chloe knelt on the bed on my right and Aya on my left. I wondered what they were going to do and I jumped when I felt hands on my shoulder blades.

“Relax Ken this will help you feel good. Trust me.” Chloe whispered in my ear and I shivered.

I gasped in surprise as I felt their hands knead my taut skin. Thumbs dug in finding all the knots and I groaned as the first of them released. It was painful but felt so damned good at the same time. The scented oil they used made their fingers glide over my skin and one set of hands ran slowly down my spine while the other talented fingers pressed into my neck and massaged the base of my skull. I laid there with my eyes closed as I slowly melted into the mattress. God I missed this. Chloe and Aya’s touch and the intimacy it created. It scared me also. I didn’t know if I could take being laid bare in front of them. To be made so vulnerable when it was all I could do to keep myself from flying apart. Lips brushed the back of my neck and I flinched.

“Ken we won’t hurt you. Just lie there and let us be with you. This feels good doesn’t it?” My ear was traced with a finger tip and Aya’s mouth returned to my neck.

Chloe rubbed and dug into every tense spot in my lower back and his hands moved lower. I expected him to linger on my ass but he respected my unease and continued to massage my thighs working his way to my feet. It was silly to be so skittish. We’d had sex dozens of times in many different combinations. Sometimes our couplings were fast and furious and some languid and slow. But I couldn’t help how I felt and I was not sure I wanted this to go any further. Would Chloe and Aya let me tell them no? Would it hurt them too much if I refused what they were offering? Perhaps I was only punishing myself by denying this chance to reestablish our bond. Lately running away had been my best form of defense. My feelings and thoughts were so jumbled up and it made me inexplicably nervous.

My fists clenched in the sheets as Aya nibbled on that spot right beneath my ear that made me weak in the knees. He was being so gentle and not even indulging in the sharp little bites he liked to mark me with. Chloe was being remarkably restrained and was not even trying to touch me in any way I’d be uncomfortable with. In fact he was running his thumbs down the sole of one foot and I had to bite my lip to keep from voicing my appreciation of a very thorough foot rub. Aya’s fingers were sliding through my hair and after several minutes of this I was on the verge of dozing off.

“Turn over Ken.” It took my brain turned to mush a minute to process Aya’s request. The slightly panicky feeling returned as he asked me to expose myself.

“I’m ok really. I think I can sleep now. Thanks for the massage.” My voice sounded hesitant and unsure. I heard Aya sigh either in frustration or exasperation.

“Ken just do as I ask. Please. This is all for you and truthfully I need you. Chloe needs you. We want to touch you. You can’t hide from what you feel and you need to be reminded that you are capable of feeling more than just pain and anger.

Chloe was lightly stroking my legs as Aya’s hands rested on my shoulders. God I am such an idiot to be afraid. Another sign of my fucked up mind. I made a decision and did as Aya asked. I turned over lay there with my eyes still closed. Despite my reluctance and protests that I did not want sex my body said otherwise. My dick was pointing straight at my belly button and I was breathing rather fast. I couldn’t look at them though. I just lay there waiting for what would happen next.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Interlude

I kept my eyes closed. I thought it would be easier that way. I could try and keep this act separate from the maelstrom of emotions that were tearing me up inside. This was just sex I kept telling myself. I had to remain detached because if I gave in to everything that I was feeling I’d fall apart. Chloe and Aya’s hands drifted over my body with barely there caresses. I bit my lip to keep in a groan as fingers traced a line down my chest to my belly button. I shifted restlessly as soft hair brushed against my cheek and a warm mouth nipped at my neck.

“Ken open your eyes and look at us.” Aya’s voice flowed over me like warm honey. I shivered at its low husky tone.

I wanted to ignore his whispered plea but I was literally helpless to deny him anything. Still I wanted to stay content in the darkness behind my eyelids. A place where I had only to live in the moment and give in to the demands of my lovers. I gasped as a tongue flicked my nipple teasing it to a hardened little nub. My hands grasped the bed sheets as that same mouth pressed hot, wet, open mouthed kisses back up my chest. Chloe I guessed lingered to suck sharply at the little hollow at the base of my throat. He liked to mark me and know that I was carrying proof of his desire under my clothes.

“Open your eyes. I want to see them go hazy with lust as we show you how much you mean to us.” Chloe’s soft voice tickled my ear as he mouthed the warm skin beneath.

How could I deny them this? I would be lying to myself if I said I did not want their attention either. Part of me craved their hands and mouths on me but part of me also wanted to punish myself by pushing them away. I did want to please Aya and Chloe so I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

Aya was kneeling over me and he smiled as I looked up. God was there anything more beautiful then my red haired lover giving free reign to his emotions? Yeah there was and he was busily sucking on my neck. Chloe raised his head and licked his lips. He was sin incarnate and knew it.

“You have beautiful eyes Ken.” Chloe murmured as he kissed each eyelid.

I couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief. “Yeah right. My eyes are the color of dirt. Have you two looked in a mirror lately? I can hardly compete with your incredible baby blue eyes Chloe and your deep purple ones Ran.”

Aya reached up and grabbed my chin. His fingers pressed in slightly and his eyes narrowed a bit. Great I annoyed him by telling the truth.

“I don’t want to EVER hear you put yourself down again! Is that clear?” He looked so incensed on my behalf that it startled me.

“But Ran compared to you two I’m just…” Incredibly his scowl deepened.

“Don’t you dare say you’re plain! But even if you were I would still love you. It’s YOU that I’m attracted to…the whole package. Not just your face or your body.” Aya took a few deep breaths and let go of my chin trying to regain his temper. It seemed I was not the only one having control problems.

“You really sell yourself short you know. I’ll admit I’m more drawn to outward beauty than Ran is. Yes it makes me shallow.” Chloe paused to laugh and I couldn’t help thinking then why did you choose me? I knew better than to voice that insecurity.

“Chloe you’re not helping.” Aya shook his head in exasperation.

“Oh but I am because I happen to think Ken Ken is gorgeous. Plus your eyes are the perfect shade of melted chocolate. They are so expressive especially when we are fucking you.” A snort of disbelief slipped out which earned me twin glares.

“You are so don’t deny it. Plus I’m going to show you. Will you join me Ran? Let’s prove to Ken dear just how utterly delectable he is. Hmmm…shall we start by licking every inch of him?” I shuddered at the thought.

I was mesmerized as Chloe leaned in close to my face and kissed the tip of my nose. It was unexpected to say the least and it seemed that he was in a playful mood. Well I was resigned to let them do their worst then after maybe I’d be tired enough to get some sleep without resorting to some liquid tranquilizers.

“What do you want us to do Ken?” Aya asked me and I thought about it for a moment.

“Make me forget for a little while. Touch me, both of you until I can’t think straight.” It’s what I truly wanted. To be so thoroughly fucked that I forgot my own name.

I watched breathlessly as Aya lowered his head. It appeared that they were going to do as Chloe suggested and I sucked in a sharp gasp as they each licked a wet trail down my neck, across my collar bone to the center of my chest. Chloe leaned in closer and stole a kiss. I tilted my head up and laced my hands behind his neck. I opened under his exploratory tongue and sucked the tip into my mouth.

While we were otherwise engaged Aya traced across my pecs and flicked his tongue across one of my nipples. I moaned into Chloe’s mouth and he pried his lips off mine. I tugged wanting to continue but he pulled away and smiled.

“Ah, Ah Ken you just lie back and enjoy it. Besides Ran looks like he’s having fun. Shall I join him?” Before I could even answer Chloe had taken the other nub in his mouth and had bitten down lightly.

The sensation of wetness and the scrape of teeth sent sparks shooting through my body. I arched off the bed when they both sucked on the small discs of flesh. Their hands had also not been idle and roamed across my tanned skin. The occasional scratch of fingernails only heightened the pleasure and I was gasping as they moved on from my nipples and worked their way down my body. The saliva slick rasp of their tongues on my abdomen had me panting and when Aya sucked on the ridges of muscle as Chloe bit I cried out and twisted on the bed. Their hands held me down and the only sounds I heard were soft appreciative little moans as they explored. I was so hard I ached and my enforced celibacy over the last two weeks made me nearly wild with need. God how could I have denied myself this?

“I think he likes what we’re doing Ran. Don’t you Ken?” Chloe fingers walked downward and traced the curling brown hair that encircled the base of my erection.

Aya mouthed the soft skin around my belly button and left a moist trail to the scar that decorated my lower abdomen. He thoroughly laved the area and placed a gentle kiss on the indelible mark he’d made when he stabbed that cloned freak in the bowels of Koua Academy.

“Do you like this Ken?” Aya’s soft deep voice sent a shiver up my spine.

“Yes. Please don’t stop.” I whined as Aya slowly licked the crease from my hip bone to Chloe’s fingers which were sifting through the springy hair at my groin.

This was good…very good I had trouble focusing on anything other than what they were doing to me. There was simply no room for doubts or fears in the rising tide of lust. But I needed more and groaned loudly as Chloe’s fingers stroked up my cock and swirled in the gathered moisture there. I watched mesmerized as he offered those glistening fingers to Aya’s lips. With no hesitation at all Aya sucked them into his mouth. Chloe’s breathing sped up as our lover removed every trace of my pre-cum from those elegant digits.

“See Ken? Ran loves the way you taste.” Chloe bent for a little taste of his own and I nearly came right then. My control was shot all to hell and they were just too fucking hot to be believed. He sucked up every drip and licked his lips. “Mmmm divine.” Chloe’s cultured voice and shiny lips were like instant aphrodisiac.

Aya released Chloe’s fingers and gripped the base of my cock. My toes curled as he languidly kissed his way up my shaft.

“Do you want more?” God he can be so wicked. Asking me if I want a blowjob? Aya liked it when he made me tell him what I wanted. I knew he wouldn’t continue until I told him exactly what to do. Then he smiled at me and I knew right then I’d beg, plead and prostrate myself in front of Aya if he would consent to put his mouth on me. So much for pride or trying to push Aya and Chloe away. My libido was screaming at me to give in already damn it! 

“More! Ran, Chloe please! Suck me…make me come.” It’s a good thing that I don’t really think about the things I say while in bed. Or that there is no evidence of what words tumble from my mouth. When I’m reminded later I usually stammer and turn fiery red. I prefer to disbelieve I said such things when Chloe does a credible imitation of me in the throes of passion. He even threatened to videotape us together. That rendered me totally speechless as Chloe just sat there and grinned.

Aya and Chloe both looked up at me as their hands stroked my hips. My breathing hitched in anticipation as they shared a kiss over my erect cock. They knew I’d not be able to hold still so Chloe held onto my hips as Aya lowered his mouth to me. He took the head of my dick in his mouth and ran his tongue all around the inverted V before sucking. I swear to god I saw stars and they doubled when Aya spread my legs wide and Chloe gently mouthed my sac before sucking the pouch of skin inside his mouth.

I was licked, sucked and nibbled and only a firm grip on the base of my erection kept me from coming. The sensations of a dual blowjob were indescribable and I thanked my subconscious for butting the hell out and letting me experience this with my lovers. God I think Chloe had no gag reflex at all as he took me into his mouth and slowly pressed downward until he had taken me in all the way. Aya ran his hands along my inner thighs and his fingers stroked the skin beneath my balls. I was too far gone to even realize he’d at some point gotten the lube and pressed two slick fingers against my hole. My hands were fisted in the sheets as I opened my legs like the wanton slut I was.

Around and around those fingers teased, rubbing and fluttering but not penetrating and I bit my lip to keep from begging him to go further. Aya sat back and I felt like screaming. I wanted more now!

“Turn over Ken.” Chloe sat up too and chill air brushed across my spit slick cock.

“God dammit just get on with it!” I hated being frustrated and the more time I was without their hands on me the more time I had to think why this was a bad idea. I frowned as they both grinned at me.

“Oh we promise to make it worth your while Ken Ken.” I sighed and rolled over onto all fours. It was a position I was not too overly fond of. I liked to look at Aya as he fucked me.

I took back all my negative thinking when Aya stroked my ass and parted my cheeks. His hot tongue licked down my crack and wetly pushed inside. I bucked backwards and moaned loudly as he pressed as far inside as he could. This was so wildly erotic and I looked over my shoulder to see Chloe drizzle the flavored lube we liked above Aya’s fluttering tongue. My dick throbbed with every inward push and I realized Aya was working the lube in with his mouth.

“Are you ready for Ran to fuck you Ken?” I was shuddering and moaning and it took a moment before Chloe’s question even registered.

“Y…Yes!” I managed to stutter. Chloe crawled around in front of me and pulled me upright so I was kneeling with my legs spread wide on the bed. He placed my arms around his neck and nuzzled my cheek.

“Ken are you sure you want this?” Aya asked and whether I did or not I was too far gone to protest. It would be cruel to stop now. But even then I had to admit I did want this no matter the consequences.

“Yes Ran just don’t stop. Don’t either of you dare leave me!” I felt slick fingers again probing and making sure I was well lubed.

Then Aya was behind me pressed up against my back. He wound his arms around my chest as Chloe reached between us to spread me wide. I hissed as the blunt head of Aya’s cock nudged my opening. I gripped Chloe’s shoulders as Aya pushed slowly and steadily inside. I panted and closed my eyes as he filled me completely. It had been a while and this unfamiliar position pushed him so deep inside me. Chloe’s hands rested on my hips as I sank further into Aya’s lap. I couldn’t help it…I groaned and shifted uncomfortably.

“Ken are you alright?” Aya’s warm breath gusted over my neck as he tried to wait for me to adjust.

It was a bit painful but it helped to drive away the deeper anxieties, guilt and fears I’d been suffering. I needed this. I needed Aya and Chloe surrounding me.

“Ah…Ah yeah. I’m ok just wait Ran. I want you in me but just give me a second.” Chloe and Aya held me in their arms and I could feel Aya shaking with the effort to let me adjust. I took a few deep breaths and tried to relax. Chloe stroked my cock as Aya’s thumbs brushed my nipples. The stimulation from their hands soon had me rocking back on Aya’s length impaling me.

“Ken…” Aya gasped out. “I need to move. God you are so fucking tight.” I nodded and buried my head in Chloe’s chest as Aya snapped his hips upward. I moaned with each thrust.

My hips brushed Chloe’s and our cocks rubbed together causing the both of us to moan. Aya’s small grunts as he thrust deep into my body only ratcheted my lust up even more and between the two of them I actually felt safe for the first time in weeks. Aya’s hands spanned my chest and his fingers pinched my nipples. God I was totally wrecked by the whole experience and I cried their names as I begged to be fucked harder and for Aya to go deeper. Chloe’s hands on my cock stroked in time with Aya’s pistoning hips and I just hung on for dear life.

Aya’s mouth returned to my neck as Chloe’s hands gripped my ass. They had me totally at their mercy and I knew that I wouldn’t last under this dual assault. It was Aya’s words that actually pushed me over the edge.

“Ken…missed you, love you. Love you so much.” He repeated over and over as he drove up into my body. My vision went white and I exploded all over Chloe’s hand and thighs. He practically had to hold me upright as Aya gave a few more deep thrusts as he came inside my clenching passage. I moaned his name as he licked the trail of sweat from my neck and rocked into me trying to prolong his shuddering orgasm.

“Ken… thank you for letting us get close. I missed you and I missed this.” Aya murmured in my ear as his flagging erection slipped out of me.

Aya scooted backward until he rested against the headboard and I settled between his legs gasping for breath. I watched with avid interest as Chloe licked his fingers clean of my seed. He was still hard and I realized I wanted him too…rather badly. I was tired but not nearly worn out enough.

“Chloe fuck me. I want you inside of me too.” I really wanted to feel the weight of his body bearing down on mine as he screwed me into oblivion.

He looked at me hungrily as Aya idly stroked my chest.

“Aren’t you sore? Are you sure you want me to?” Despite his words Chloe moved closer until he was kneeling between my legs.

“I don’t care. I need to be close to you.” I groaned as Aya’s hand brushed my sticky cock.

Aya held me as Chloe picked up the lube from the rumpled bedcovers and coated himself with the strawberry scented gel. The tube got tossed aside and he positioned himself against my still loose and slicked hole. I was sore though and as Chloe grabbed my thighs and sank into me I bit my lip at the discomfort. He paused uncertainly even though every instinct was telling him to screw me into the mattress. Well if it exhausted me to the point of a peaceful nights sleep I did not give a damn if I could barely walk the next day.

“Chloe do it! I’m ok and I need you too.” I arched my back and hissed as he slowly pulled most of the way out. Sweat stood out on his forehead as he slowly thrust back in. The burning ache faded as he nudged the spot that Aya had found repeatedly.

“Yes...there. Right there! Do that again.” I moaned and Chloe proved his aim was just as good as the redhead behind me. God I was fast on my way to approaching melt down again as Aya’s hand pumped my over sensitized but interested cock.

Once he got going Chloe did not hold back either as I begged and pleaded the same way I’d done with Aya. This was the kind of oblivion I was craving. I was hard again and writhing in their arms with my eyes closed. Aya’s other hand plucked and pinched my nipples as he mouthed my neck and shoulders. They staked their claim on my body and worked their way back into my soul. The place I’d tried to push them out of. With this act came a vulnerability that I’d tried to avoid. This was not just sex it was a joining of hearts and emotions. These feelings broke through my feigned wall of indifference and as I came for the second time tonight I shattered. I sobbed Aya and Chloe’s names as I shuddered in their arms.

Finally Chloe came with a loud cry and collapsed panting on my trembling body. After a moment they realized that my loss of control that left me sobbing in their arms was more than just the reaction from the intense lovemaking we’d shared. It was the release of everything I’d kept pent up inside me. Alarmed Chloe carefully pulled away and I turned in Aya’s arms and clung there. I couldn’t breathe but in great gasping breaths and I couldn't see because my eyes were blurred with tears that had been a long time coming.

“Ken did I hurt you? I’m so sorry.” Chloe knelt behind me and I vaguely heard Aya tell him that this was something I needed to do. That it was better if I got it out of my system, all of the hurt and guilt that had been my constant companion of late.

 

My stomach cramped at the force of my misery and I tried to burrow deeper into Aya’s arms. Chloe finally wrapped his arms around me too as we lay back on the bed. I don’t know how long I cried but I was totally exhausted when awareness returned. I was sore, sticky, my nose was running and I’m sure I got some snot on Aya’s chest. I was totally mortified and looked up at them with red, swollen eyes.

“I’m sorry…I just.” I took a shuddery breath and looked back down at the bed.

“Don’t you dare apologize Ken. You needed for this to happen. You can’t always hold all the pain inside. I ought to know.” Aya brushed my bangs back from my sweaty forehead and placed a kiss there as Chloe rubbed my back in soothing circles.

“I’m such a fucking mess. God I’m tired…I just want to rest.” I whimpered like the pathetic idiot I am.

“No bouts of self-pity Ken. I mean it. We’ll help you through this. I promise.” Chloe said as he left the bed and returned a short time later with some warm wash cloths. I was too tired to protest as I was cleaned up. Once Aya and Chloe were clean as well the cloths were tossed in the hamper and the thick comforter was pulled up and I was snuggled into their embrace.

“Just sleep Ken and we’ll sort the rest out tomorrow.” Aya whispered and softly kissed me. I turned my head and got the same reassurance from Chloe and another sweet kiss.

As my eyes drifted shut I wondered if things would ever truly be right again despite the caring attention of my lovers. Only time would tell.


	11. Chapter 11

It had been two weeks since my last breakdown and after that night Aya and Chloe became regular bedmates again. I tried… I really did to get back some normalcy in my life. But I wasn’t even sure anyone trusted me anymore. I know they all meant well but I was getting tired of being watched and I felt as if they were waiting for the loony to snap again. It took all my will power not to yell at my lovers and shove them away. Yuki was even more wary around me now and Free kept a leery eye on me. I knew that if I took out my frustration on Michel he’d be right there to tear me a new one.

It was Michel though more than anyone that I didn’t mind attention from. He forgave me almost instantly for biting his head off and it was back to our old routine of him busting into my room at odd hours to share anything that has grabbed his attention. Thank god for the lock on the door too. Chloe and Aya went out of their way to make me feel loved and wanted. I was almost eaten up with guilt making them think I was getting better. The only thing I was getting better at was hiding. But that could only last so long and when I felt the need I would lock myself in the gym and work out until I nearly dropped from exhaustion. The others allowed me this outlet. Aya and Chloe thought it was a good way to work out my anger and frustrations. It only worked so well though and not having any missions to go on only added to my feelings of discontent and unease.

But I stayed passive and docile around my team so they would have no reason to doubt my progress. I was careful not to drink again… well at least when they could catch me. The one time Aya caught me with a bottle his disapproving stare spoke volumes and I poured the contents down the sink. I felt like a fucking teenager who’d been sneaking booze out of the liquor cabinet. Then later that night I got a lecture from both Aya and Chloe about how drinking was not a good idea and I could easily find myself addicted. As if I didn’t know that but it was not a problem and I was handling it just fine.

I even managed to pick through the remains of my pictures and scrap books. They were not torn up too badly. Well the newspaper clippings had not survived but the photos were all intact. I almost lost it though when I came across a post game picture with Jonathan, David and I. Then it all came rushing back again. The way I felt when I saw David collapse on the soccer field. Meeting Jonathan again and him asking for my help. Being betrayed by him and getting the crap beat out of me by his enhanced strength. Slashing him with my claws and feeling the hot spray of blood on my skin. Reveling in it for one brief second before the horror crept in. He’d not only betrayed me but the game I’d once loved as well. In disgust I’d covered his body with his team flag before limping away.

It felt too much like what Kase had done and I wondered if David would have willingly taken the interleukin drug if his brother hadn’t pushed it on him. I guess there had been reason for Kase feeling jealous of me being around David. We had so much in common and he’d been really nice to me. David had even, in a drunken confession, told me that it was a shame that I was obviously taken. Then Kase had gotten all possessive and that was it.

After that I shoved all the mementos into their box and pushed it into the very back of my wardrobe. I needed to get out for a while and went for a long ride on my bike. I was tempted to stop at a bar on the way home but did not want to face an inquisition when I returned.

God I was being an utter shit. Aya and Chloe were only concerned about me and were trying to make sure I was all right. I guess that is why I was trying so hard for their sake. But it felt too much like I was just going through the motions. I wanted to yell, scream and rip something apart. I wanted to tell them to quit watching me and leave me the hell alone. It was Free’s knowing stare that was the hardest to take. It was as if he could see right into my head and into the churning mess I was trying so hard to cover up. I swore if he was waiting for me when I pulled into the garage I was going to lose it… again.

The shop was closed when I got back and oddly enough the outside lights were not even on when I rode up. All I wanted was to get out of my damp clothes and into a hot shower. Inevitably it had started to drizzle on the way home. A t-shirt and jean jacket was not nearly enough protection from the chill and light rain. I still had not gotten around to replacing my beloved black leather jacket. It had been worn in perfectly and it had been my own fucking fault that it had gotten lost in the first place. Grateful to be out of the wind I pulled into the garage and parked my bike. I left my helmet on the seat and draped my gloves over the handle bars. My wet jacket I hung on a hook inside the laundry room door and went into the kitchen. That room was dark too except for the light on above the sink.

Where was everyone?

I heard muffled voices as I walked down the hallway. They were coming from the mostly closed door to the living room. Curious I stopped to listen when it was obvious they had not heard me come in. I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized they were talking about me. To make matters worse Mihirogi was in the room and was now privy to every embarrassing detail of my currently screwed up life. Fuck! I felt so freaking betrayed that I nearly burst into the room to defend myself. But self preservation kicked in and I knew it would only reinforce their belief that I was nuts if I rushed in shouting. I wanted to know what prompted this little gang up on Ken meeting in the first place. So I took a deep but quiet breath and continued to eavesdrop.

“So you are saying he is unfit to go on missions?” I listened to her smooth cultured voice as she grilled my team mates.

“Ken is unstable right now. I’m not sure we can trust him not to cause himself or others harm,” I shook my head at Free’s assessment. Damn it! I yell at his little obsession once and suddenly I’m untrustworthy?

“Wait isn’t that a little harsh? Ken is going through a tough time right now. He is getting better and I think he’s dealing with his problems. I know he won’t screw up something as important as a mission.” Now that surprised me, Chloe defending me to Free.

“We can’t risk it Chloe. What if he comes apart? Ken isn’t ready and I say we give him more time and make him opt out of this one.” Aya’s words left an aching hollow in my chest. To actually hear he didn’t trust me just about made me turn and leave. I wondered if he ever trusted me at all.

“Ken would never do anything to hurt us. I don’t want him to stay behind.” Leave it to Michel to be another of my staunch supporters.

“We need his skill on this one. The target will be difficult to get to and we have a large area to search. I say he goes too.” Yuki was so pragmatic about the whole thing. It kinda shocked me he hadn’t voted with Aya.

“So if that is how you all feel I will take all your concerns into consideration before making a decision.” Mihirogi needed to think about it? Ok now it was time to make an entrance. I had to stay calm and show them I could handle it.

I pushed the door open and entered the room. I got some surprised stares and Aya wouldn’t even look at me.

“So do I get a say in this or are you all just going to go on without me?” My voice was steady and cool but inside I was a seething wreck.

“Ken I’ve heard your team mates assessments of your mental state and I…” I cut her off mid sentence. I was getting steamed at their high handedness in judging me.

“Don’t you think I am the best one to decide if I’m fit or not? I won’t be left out like some emotional cripple who can’t handle a few traumas. I’ve been dealing with this shit all my life. I can do this. I can do my fucking job.” I was proud of myself that I didn’t yell and I glared back when Aya looked at me guiltily.

“Well if you are sure then. I’ll leave it up to you. It seems that the vote was in your favor regardless. The mission stats are in the folder on the coffee table.” Mihirogi stood up and smoothed the navy blazer of her impeccably tailored suit. She nodded to everyone and left the room.

The room was quiet as if they all were expecting me to blow up at them. Well far be it from me to disappoint my audience.

“Nice of you all to Fucking tell me we had a meeting! What were you going to come tell me after it was over? Send me to my room like a naughty child? God dammit I’ve been on missions when I was so messed up I could barely think straight and still I did my fucking job!” Aya reached out to place a hand on my shoulder and angrily I slapped it away.

Chloe gasped and as Aya’s eyes narrowed I knew I’d made yet another mistake with his touchy demeanor.

“How are you supposed to keep it together on a mission if you can’t even keep your temper now? Ken I’m not trying to pick on you but you need more time. You’re still not ready.” Despite his obvious annoyance at my tirade Aya remained much calmer than I was and it pissed me off.

“Well fuck you mister high and mighty Aya Fujimiya! God I can’t believe after all we’ve been through together that you still don’t trust me. I can do this! Whether you like it or not I’m going. Last time I heard almost everyone else wanted me on this one. I’m going to go and work out! I’ll read the damned report later!” I stormed out and left my rather stunned team mates behind.

Like a petulant child I stomped all the way up the steps and up to the fourth floor. Angrily I pulled off my wet shirt and flung it to the floor. I’d fucked up again and this time took it out on Aya. One of the two people I loved most in the world. I half expected to hear him following me to have it out once and for all. I needed to get the pain and frustration out so I wrapped my hands and stepped up to the heavy bag. I threw a punch and grunted with the impact. Then another and another until I’d built up a rhythm and sweat was running down my face.

Harder and harder I hit the bag until the sting in my hands was taking my mind off the gaping hole in my heart. I was gasping for air and still I didn’t quit. I needed the mindless repetitive action and the exhaustion that would follow. I didn’t even register anyone was behind me until one of my fists was grabbed before it could impact with the bag. I almost lashed out but reigned in my impulse at the last second.

“Ken stop I think you have quite beaten it into submission.” Chloe… it figured he’d be the one to come after me. I kinda expected Michel to come up here but then Free probably wouldn’t let him near the loony.

“What do you want Chloe?” I gasped as my chest heaved for air. Damn I was tired but I still felt on edge.

“You know I never thought I’d be the one to try and patch up your and Aya’s fight. I sort of figured it would be him trying to keep us from going at each other.” I tensed up as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

“Then why are you? Did Aya send you up here?” I was being nasty but couldn’t seem to stop myself.

“Aya did not send me up here but you hurt him Ken. He’s in his room with the door locked and won’t even let me inside. You’ve got to stop pushing us away. One minute we’re fine and the next you’re freaking out on us.” Chloe held me tighter and it felt too intimate and very claustrophobic.

“Hurt him? God Dammit Chloe how do you think I feel to have found out he doesn’t even fucking trust me? Maybe never trusted me!” I shoved myself free of his embrace and began to pace.

“Ken that’s not what he meant and you know it! We’re worried about you and want what’s best. Aya does not want to see you hurt. I don’t want to see you hurting any more either. It’s tearing us apart!” Chloe stepped in front of me and it was either stop or push him out of the way.

“What about what I want? Did anybody think to ask? I won’t be fucking useless! I don’t have anything else! If I can’t go on missions what the hell am I supposed to do? It’s the only thing I’m good at after all.” I glared back at Chloe as his eyes went cold.

“I wish I could just beat some sense into you! You are not useless! Just because you might need to take a little time to get your head straight does not mean that we are ganging up on you. You are trying to cope but how well are you really doing?” I clenched my fists in the face of his tirade. Damn it why was he yelling at me? I was the injured party here.

“Do you want me to fight with you too? Is that it? I am tired of trying to figure out your moods! Is violence the only thing that will finally get through that thick skull of yours?” Chloe shoved me and I staggered backward. Truthfully I was a bit stunned that he had made the first move. I went back again as he pushed me until I was against the gym wall. Fine if hitting me was what he really wanted…

“Hit me! Yell at me I don’t care. Then just leave me alone. Go back downstairs to Aya.” All of the fight went out of me and I stood there looking at the floor. I didn’t want to argue with him. I didn’t want him to hate me too. I already had enough self loathing for both of us.

I was surprised again when I was pulled into a fierce hug and Chloe buried his face in my neck. He didn’t seem to care I was all sweaty.

“I don’t want to hurt you. You just make me crazy sometimes. I trust you Ken I really do but you have to give the others a chance to see that you are getting better. You are aren’t you? We all have our bad days and I’d like to think I was responsible for some of the good ones.” His voice was slightly muffled as Chloe was practically burrowing into me.

The way he was clinging to me made me feel like such a heel. My temper tantrum had shaken the foundations of a relationship that meant stability and love for him. Chloe soaked up affection like a sponge and hated any type of discord in his family. At times he was quite possibly needier that I was. I had forgotten how being so wrapped up in my own misery was affecting the two most important people in my life.

“I’m sorry. So… so sorry.” I clung back and we just stood there holding each other. It didn’t take away all my misery but I soaked in the comfort anyway.

Chloe tilted his head and kissed me lightly on the lips.

“You have to tell Aya that. He’s hurt and upset and we both need to think of him too.” Chloe was right. I had to go downstairs and try and make it right… well as right as I was able to.” I took a deep breath and tried to gather my courage.

“All right. God I made such a mess of things again. What can I say to him?” I was not looking forward to facing Aya at all.

“Just tell him you love him Ken. He has doubts too and even though he doesn’t show it. Aya’s afraid he won’t be able to help and that He’ll lose you too. Aya is not strong enough to go through that again.” Chloe was right again. I had to try and fix this.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Suicide Attempt.

Omi hung lifeless like some macabre scarecrow. He was held upright and ensnared in an impenetrable web of razor sharp wire. Aya had gutted him while I lay helpless on the ground. Blood dripped steadily from his wounds to stain the snow below. I voiced my denial at the harsh reality in front of me and rushed the wire wielding assassin that had caught him in the first place. A Downward slash to his unprotected side and Yohji dropped slowly to the frozen ground. A faint smile decorated his face as if death were a welcome release.

Gasping for air I faced off against Aya and barely managed to duck a vicious slash of his Katana that would have cut me in two. He was quicker but I had brute strength on my side. This fight never should have happened. It was my worst nightmare come true and now I had to face Aya and kill or be killed. Part of me wanted to just stand there with my arms spread wide and take a sword thrust to the heart. My pain would end and I would not have to suffer this dismal existence any longer. The only bright spot in my life had been Omi but even he’d been slowly turning away from the monster I’d become.

My instincts kicked in though and I backpedaled out of the way of his flashing blade. This was Aya at his deadliest and most stunning. A snarl decorated his handsomely pretty face and his eyes glittered with deadly intent. Eventually he would get in a skilled strike and I was getting winded dodging his graceful attacks. I had to take a chance and get close enough to use my claws. I brought my gloves up to trap his katana between the sturdy blades but that only held him at bay for a moment. He twisted his sword and the claws on my gloves snapped like brittle twigs. One lone sharpened spike remained but it was enough. Aya reared back in an overhead strike that was sure to have been his killing blow. I ducked low taking my team mate totally by surprise. I sank that single claw into his chest with enough force to fold him over my raised fist. Fatally wounded Aya dropped backward off my blade in a gout of blood. He landed on his back with an incredulous look on his face to have been defeated by my wild attack. He died uttering his disbelief.

To my horror Omi was not yet gone. He glanced around in agony at the sight before him. My best friend and lover cried at what had become of Weiss then he too slipped away. I was the only one left standing. I stared at the carnage as my world spiraled totally out of control. Unable to take the tremendous pain welling within my chest I threw my head back and screamed. My greatest fear had come to pass. I was alone and the others were dead by my hand and the actions I had taken. I lost track of what I was supposed to be doing. I got caught up in the fictitious fight. I forgot that this was only a show to convince the man that held Manx hostage that his mission had been accomplished. In my mind it became all too frighteningly real. The fake blood looked too convincing. Also the minor injuries we had suffered to make the fight seem genuine became more gruesome.

After all this could have been real. The orders had come down that Omi and I were to die after betraying a mission. Aya had been ready to kill us and Yohji resigned to the fact that he had to help. It was a threat we lived under since joining Weiss and becoming dogs of Kritiker. The fake fight had been concocted to lull the real target into a false sense of complacency. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. My legs were shaking so badly that I dropped to my knees. I waited for the hidden Kritiker agents to signal us that the set up had been a success. I waited to feel the touch of Yohji’s hand on my shoulder. I waited to hear the sounds of Aya cutting Omi free of his wiry prison. I became confused when only silence greeted my ears. Scared now I opened my eyes and looked around. Omi still hung there lifeless, Yohji remained face down in the crimson stained snow and Aya stared sightlessly up at the leaden sky. The fight…it was real. I’d killed them all and was left alone. Another scream tore my throat as I flung myself at Aya begging him to wake up.

I hit the floor hard and startled my eyes snapped open. I’d had another fucking nightmare and fell out of bed. Wildly I glanced around the room and panicked a bit when I found it empty. Aya’s room… his bed. It’s where we had ended up after Chloe had marched me downstairs to apologize to Aya for treating him unfairly. I couldn’t get the images from the dream out of my head. I also couldn’t seem to catch my breath. Hot bile flooded my throat and I scrabbled for the small bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I heaved in great sobbing gasps everything I’d eaten the night before. After the spasms finally passed I flushed the mess away then slumped miserably shaking on the floor. I was glad that Aya and Chloe had not been in the room to witness my latest panic attack.

Shivering with cold and sniveling pathetically I stripped off my pajama bottoms and got into the shower. I did not even wait for the water to warm as I turned it on full force. As the stinging spray pelted my body I huddled into the corner and waited for the tremors to subside. When the water heated I was able to take a deep shaky breath and get to my feet. I leaned against the blue tiled wall and just mentally drifted. Seeing me now Aya would have had good reason to keep me off this upcoming mission. I could control this. I’d show him that I could be useful. That I’m not the big fuck up cry-baby head case he believed I was.

Still in a daze I grabbed the bottle of body wash and nearly jumped out of my skin when the glass door slid to one side and a hand stroked my ass. I dropped the bottle and felt like clutching my chest. Chloe stood grinning at me never even noticing I was on the verge of a freaking heart attack.

“Want me to join you?” He purred and started to unbutton his shirt.

To say I was not in the mood was a vast understatement. I just hoped he would take no for an answer without getting pissy.

“I’m sorry Chloe. I really don’t feel well. I woke up and came in here to see if a hot shower would help.” It really was true. My head was pounding and my stomach still unsettled.

Unconcerned about the water drenching his blue linen shirt he slid his hand up to my cheek. I turned my face into his hand and accepted the caress. It did feel nice and at least I was not alone with the remnants of my nightmare.

“Are you all right lover?” His light blue eyes looked me over carefully as if he could tell what was wrong.

“Head ache and stomach hurts a bit. I really ought to go back to bed.” Truthfully I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and hide.

I needed to get my act together and put on a good front if I were to convince Aya I would not be a hindrance to the upcoming mission. My red headed lover had reluctantly agreed sort of but his doubts still hurt.

“You finish up in here then and I’ll go and make you some tea and toast.” Chloe brushed his thumb over my lips and smiled.

God he was gorgeous when he did that. It made me feel like an utter shit for lying about what was wrong. Well not lying precisely but omitting the reason behind the pounding in my skull and churning gut. Chloe’s fingers lingered on my face and I did my best to smile back. It must have come out looking more than a bit forced because concern flooded his eyes.

“Really I’m ok. I just need to finish up in here and lie down. There is flu going around and I don’t want to miss the mission in a few days.” I stepped back away from his hand and thought what was one more lie on top of all the others?

“I’ll be right back. You take your shower then get into bed so you don’t get cold.” After a lingering glance Chloe slid the glass door shut and was gone.

I leaned my head against the tiles and let the overly hot water beat against the back of my neck. Chloe didn’t comment about me going on the mission and I was grateful. Aya was still upset. I know he felt we were ganging up on him but that did not stop me forcing the issue. Aya loathed confrontation and was perhaps as insecure in this relationship as I was at times. He rarely let anyone see that side of him and most thought he came off cold and calculating. I knew better. He just buried the hurt deep and let it fester. Then when it boiled to the surface no one was safe from his ire. I had pushed him to that point last night and coming against that locked door made me feel like he was locking me out of his life as well.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn’t want to even have that confrontation. Chloe had all but dragged me downstairs when I would have hidden in the gym to lick my wounds. We stood outside the door to Aya’s private sanctum. It was still a room I felt vaguely uncomfortable in. This space was so personal to him that we rarely all ended up in here. It was usually my room or Chloe’s that got the most use.

It was also the smallest of the three third floor bedrooms. The building had once contained second and third floor apartments and since we had no use for six individual pocket kitchens the building had been extensively remodeled before Aya and I had joined. The second floor bedrooms were smaller but had a huge media/living room. We tended to gather there to watch TV or play video games. The main floor had the shop, storeroom and large eat in kitchen. Having a communal living and eating area helped us to bond as a team or so I’d been told. It was true though. I did have some fond memories of the time we spent there.

Plus confronting Aya in his sanctum was something I was not looking forward to. It gave him the mental high ground and I really didn’t want to face any more of his holier-than-thou bull shit. I was kept waiting for almost too long and was on the verge of stomping off when I heard the lock click and the door opened.

Aya stood there backlit from the reading lamp in the corner. He was wearing a light grey yukata and his glasses were perched on his nose. His hair was still tied back in a neat braid and a book was held open in his hand by his thumb. Aya simply stepped aside and Chloe shoved me a little to propel me into the room. I glanced down at the book and saw the cover. The man was absolutely addicted to romance novels. It blew my mind to see Aya avidly devouring the latest gothic bodice ripper. It seemed this book too fell under that category. Since it contained a scantily clad heroine holding aloft a candelabrum in a dimly lit castle hallway.

The room was painfully neat and I walked to the edge of the bed and sat down. I didn’t want to look Aya in the face so I frantically looked elsewhere. I focused on the black lacquered dresser.

There was a picture there of Aya-chan flanked by two delicate vases of flowers that he replaced every few days. It showed her happy, healthy and smiling at the camera. She was attending university in Japan and was studying to be a doctor. Mamoru was paying the tuition and had contact with Aya’s baby sister. She had been told that the money was from a life insurance policy on her brother. We had tried to convince Aya to let her know that he wasn’t dead. But Aya had been adamant. His sister was to have no part of the world he lived in now. It was all right for Mamoru to interact with Aya-chan since he was a respected business man and as long as all traces of his other life were never revealed to the young woman.

The silence was starting to grate on my nerves and I chanced a peek at Aya. He was standing there much like I was. Not looking at me either. Chloe had his hand on Aya’s back and I felt vaguely betrayed by the gesture. I was the injured party not him. Chloe whispered something in his ear and Aya looked right at me. I didn’t know what to say that would not degrade into a screaming match. I was tired and really not in the mood to argue. But then I’d gotten good at placating Aya and opted to just shove aside my hurt. It wouldn’t do any good to rehash the whole mess anyway.

“Look I know you don’t trust me Aya. I’m going on the mission and nothing you say is going to stop me. I need to do this. I need to prove to myself that I can be useful. I know I said all of this downstairs but it’s true.” Despite my decision to play nice that statement came out a bit harsher than I intended.

Aya turned his back on me and I’d had enough. I was going to my room to be alone. I stood up and started for the door. A slim hand on my chest stopped me.

“Just sit back down and listen.” Aya’s low voice and commanding tone pissed me off more.

“I really don’t think we have anything to talk about. You can stay here and let Chloe console you. I’m going to bed.” I reached up to remove his hand. They were both glaring at me now for my continuing tantrum.

“Damn it will you just sit!”

“Fuck you Aya.” Not the wisest thing I’ve ever said but it got the point across. Perhaps a bit too well.

I got up to leave. I really didn’t want to hear it. Aya’s hand dropped away from me as if I were too loathsome to touch. His eyes narrowed and he hissed in annoyance. Aya then turned away from me to stare out the window. Great just fucking great! We’d resolved nothing and I felt the chasm between us widen even further. This was more like the Aya that I used to know. His cold distance I’d managed to put there and the realization made my stomach churn.

I was really surprised when a lithe blond stepped between me and the door. One hard shove to my chest and I was flailing backward and landing on the bed. It’s easy to forget just how physically strong Chloe can be. Then I watched incredulously as he grabbed Aya’s arm and pushed him down beside me. I tried not to flinch away from Aya as he practically sprawled across me in an untidy heap. Neither one of us had expected this.

“You two will stay right there until you have at least talked it out. I am sick to death of the both of you right now! Ken you have to accept that we love you and want to help. We only want what is best for you. Aya you have to drop the sullen pigheadedness that seems to be holding you back from telling Ken how you feel. Tell him what you told me earlier. Quit acting like spoiled children or I swear to god I am going to handcuff you together until this is settled.” Then with a huff to blow his platinum bangs off his forehead Chloe dropped onto the loveseat glaring at the both of us. He was pointedly toying with one of his rose bedecked needles. I got the feeling if one of us didn’t start talking we were in for some rough treatment.

“Look Aya I know you don’t trust me anymore. I haven’t given you much reason to with all my fuckups. But I’m not backing down. I need this mission to prove that I can do something right. If you can’t handle that I’m sorry. I’ll try and stay out of your way. I need…damn it! I need something to cling to. Some sense that I’m not completely useless.” Aya sat on the bed staring at his fists that were clenched tightly in his lap. I waited for him to say anything. The silence was deafening and I couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Fine! Stay pissed. Take me off the mission. Throw me away just like everyone in my life has. See if I fucking care!” This time not even Chloe was going to stop me from leaving. I’d go through him if I had to.

I flung myself off the bed and a firm grip on my wrist stopped me. Aya’s hand had shot out to grab me. I glared down at him and what I saw made me hesitate. There was fear shimmering in the depths of his eyes.

“Wait please…” His whisper was barely audible.

I sank back down and now it was my turn to stare at my lap…at where his hand gripped mine.

“It’s true. I don’t want you on this mission. You need help Ken. You’re sick and I don’t know what to do anymore to make you better. Tell me what to do. Help us to help you Ken. Please.” Aya sounded defeated just like right before he lost Yohji. It was my fault that he felt this way.

“Aya I have to do this. I’m not going to be a burden on this team. I’m not going to go through again all that crap I went through while I was locked up. What the fuck did they know anyway? I was just another whacko to analyze. To pick apart and bring up things I’d have been better off forgetting. What good did it do anyway? I got better on my own. I didn’t need anyone’s help.” His grip tightened a bit and I winced. I don’t think he even realized it.

“Don’t you get it Ken? I don’t give a damn about the mission! I can’t lose you too. I don’t want to see you hurt! I’m worried that you won’t be able to hold it together. Fuck! Why can’t you see that?” Aya closed his eyes and bit his lip. I could feel the slight tremble of his hand where it held my wrist.

The fight just went out of me. Defeat crept in and knowing that Aya had lost faith in me was a painful realization.

“I’m still going.” I said in the dead silence of the room.

“I know.” Aya replied as his hand slid away from mine.

“God I’m tired.” I murmured as I scrubbed my hand over my face.

Chloe walked over to me and stood between my parted knees. His hand reached out and stroked my hair. I buried my face against his abdomen and inhaled his vaguely citrusy floral scent. My arms crept around his waist and I just held on. I felt another hand tentatively touch my back. I knew it was Aya and I let him place his arms around me too. It was as if I was drowning and my life depended on how tightly I could hold on. Aya pulled away first and with a sad sigh he retreated to his bathroom.

“Ken go after him.” Chloe said softly as his fingers continued to sift through my hair.

“I…I can’t. Not tonight. I just need to sleep.” Cowardly answer but it was the only one I had in me.

Chloe’s echoing sad sigh let me know I’d disappointed him too.

Later on that night as I lay awake in Aya’s bed I could not help but to think that I’d ruined everything again. It had been Chloe’s suggestion that we remain in this room. It was a gesture to Aya and to make him feel more comfortable. But our earlier discussion had solved nothing but establish an uneasy truce. Aya had not been reassured at all as to my mental state and I was still hurt by his unwillingness to trust me. Chloe nuzzled my neck in his sleep and gripped me firmly. I guess he was afraid I’d disappear in the middle of the night. He might have been right. I was considering slinking back to my own room now that they were asleep. To do so now would surely wake the blond who was doing his best octopus impression wrapped so tightly around me.

Aya was sleeping on the other side of the bed. He was turned away from both of us and huddled forlornly in the blankets. Even in sleep he had isolated himself from me and I really couldn’t blame him. Not to have Aya curled up at my back felt so wrong. I missed his comforting warmth and his penchant to cuddle. We were still too angry with each other and maybe it was for the best. That did not make it hurt any less and I’d pushed him to this. Sometimes getting what you wanted could be a real bitch.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was supposed to be working in the shop today. Truthfully I was glad I’d made excuses to Chloe about being sick. Still I felt uncomfortable being in Aya’s room alone. It felt unwelcoming and a bit cold. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and hastily scrubbed my hair clean. It was Aya’s scent that surrounded me in the warm steam and the walls started to close in. Ducking one more time to rinse I turned off the water and stepped out onto the rug. I really wanted to be back in my own bed and forget the last 12 hours had even happened. I roughly ran the towel over my wet skin as if the motion would erase the taint of the dream I had. Everything was falling apart. Aya was still upset with me. Chloe was being overly solicitous and Free wanted to strangle me for mistreating Michel. Only Yuki and the blond chibi had showed any confidence in my claims that I was all right.

Well I suppose I was being unfair to Chloe. He did defend me to Mihirogi and he’d stood up to Aya too. But it felt forced somehow. Like Chloe wanted to believe I could hold it together but there were still some lingering doubts. I had to believe I could back up the promises I’d made. That I could get over this crippling self doubt and violent mood swings. That I was not going crazy again. I swore I would not be locked up again…for any reason.

I breathed a sigh of relief once I was back in my own room. The door was closed and it felt safer. The slight clutter and rumpled bed put me at ease. I wanted to lie down though and needed something for my pounding head. I rummaged through my bathroom cabinet and picked up a bottle of powerful painkillers. Injuries were a very real likelihood in our profession and we had a veritable pharmacy at our disposal. The prescription bottle had a few warning labels including one that said they could be habit forming. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. What was one more vice on top of all my others? I opened the bottle and shook a few out into my hand. They were such innocuous looking capsules and would knock my ass out for a while.

I filled the glass on the bathroom counter from the sink and raised the pills to my lips. I had a vivid flash of memory. Of Yohji swallowing a handful of the same type of pills and chasing them with a large swig of whiskey.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’d just come in to the small apartment we had shared on our mission to Germany with a bag filled with groceries. His bloodshot green eyes looked at me guiltily as the bottle of booze slipped from his fingers to smash on the floor. Cursing I dropped the bag and grabbed the prescription bottle. It had been right after he’d been caught in that explosion and had fallen off the roof. The pills had been given to Yohji to ease the pain of his injuries. I knew killing that bitch had torn him up but I didn’t think he’d stoop to offing himself.

I looked into the empty bottle. It had been three quarters full when I’d left. Fuck! I wasted no time grabbing Yohji and dragging him into the bathroom. He might have been taller than me but could not even hope to match me in sheer strength. Not that he protested too much when I forced him to his knees in front of the toilet. Next came the unpleasant task of jamming my fingers down his throat until he gagged. With my hand tangled in his hair I held his head over the basin until he’d vomited up everything in his stomach. Along with the heaving came intermittent protests and harsh sobbing. Yohji had been doing his best to pickle his liver with booze for the better part of two days and when I’d left to fetch some food he’d been passed out on the couch.

Disgusted with him and not willing to admit I was scared to death I thrust him into the shower once the retching had stopped. I turned on the cold water and amidst some yelping I left the bathroom. I was pissed…how dare he try and take the easy way out? He’d have left me all alone in this godforsaken country where I could not even speak the language. I’d already lost one family member and I’d do anything to keep from losing another. Little did I know our days were numbered and our last mission as Weiss was looming on the horizon. I cleaned up the mess of spilled whiskey and broken glass and then put the groceries away. I peeked in the bathroom to make sure the blond idiot had not tried to slit his wrists. The water in the shower had warmed and he was actually washing himself. Yohji had always been so fastidious about his appearance and seeing him taking an interest actually made me feel a bit better.

By the time Yohji came out of the bathroom I’d heated some soup and had poured it into a couple of large mugs. He was wearing a white terrycloth robe knotted loosely at the hips. His short light blond hair was hanging in damp tendrils around his face. Yohji would not even look me in the eye as he sat down on the threadbare sofa. I pressed a mug into his hands and he slowly drank the warm liquid. I did not say a word…what could I say? I wanted to yell and scream and beat the crap out of him for making me feel this way. So helpless and insecure. I drank my own soup and turned to the sink to wash the few dishes. I dropped the soup pot noisily onto the counter when a pair of arms slid around my waist.

So this was how we were going to deal with the situation? I’d let him fuck me several times before when he’d been climbing the walls with the need to go out and lose himself to the lure of a quick screw, booze and his drug of choice for the moment. It was either that or knock him out and tie him to the bed. What the hell did I care anyway? If this is what I had to do to keep Yohji from going stir crazy then it was ok with me. I was lonely too and missed the touch of another. The last time had been rushed, had hurt and I’d gotten precious little out of the exchange. It seemed so impersonal and I was not even sure Yohji was even seeing me at all. In fact when he cried out Aya’s name as he came I really lost all interest in coming as well. It was nice afterward though when uncharacteristically he had draped his arms around me and fell asleep with his chin on my shoulder. I could lay there and pretend that it was me he wanted to hold and not an absent red head.

This time though as his warm breath ghosted over the skin on my neck he asked me to come to bed. Asked to fuck me and I bit my lip and nodded. He needed human contact and so did I. We needed to feel that there was more to us than blood, pain and death. It was slow, sensual and incredibly bitter sweet. We both knew that it was not each other that we craved. But the other half of our team. This time he made sure I came first and his tears wet the side of my neck as he buried his face in my hair. As Yohji thrust into my sated body I held him as he shuddered in my arms. It was the last time we ever were intimate with each other. It had been a release and nothing more. Our brief encounter had done nothing to heal his torment or quench my thirst to kill.

I never told Aya about this last moment I had with Yohji. He only knew that we’d fucked and it was to keep him on track with the current mission. I did not want to add to Aya’s guilt over his loss. He did not need to know how desperately Yohji had needed him.

~*~

My fist was clenched tightly around the pills. I opened my hand and stared at the number I’d dumped into my hand. Not enough to possibly kill me but far more than the recommended dosage. What the hell? I didn’t even think I’d shaken that many out of the bottle. I was so fucked. I stared accusingly at the six capsules and with a slightly shaking hand I dumped them into the toilet. Then I emptied the rest of the bottle and flushed. I needed to lie down. If I could just get some sleep then maybe things would be better.

I got into bed and curled up on my side. This all felt too much like the helplessness I’d experienced right before Mamoru stuck me in that prison. I’d never felt so alone. All I had to do was reach out and accept the help that had been offered. I couldn’t do it. I had to prove that I had it in me to defeat the demons. I did not want to be anybody’s burden or to be the object of pity. The pity I could already see in their eyes when they looked at me.


	13. Chapter 13

I burrowed under the covers and tried to think of the happier times that had not been so long ago. They were not the comfort I’d been hoping for. The urge to pick apart all my memories, even the good ones, for hidden flaws was a strong one. I just lay there drifting until I heard the door open. The rattle of a tray was distinct as it was set down on the table beside the bed. The fragrant aroma of peppermint tea filled the room as Chloe sat down on the edge of the bed.

A gentle hand brushed the hair back from my forehead before settling on my brow. It was the only part of me sticking out from the nest of blankets.

“Ken? Chloe said you weren’t feeling well. Are you all right?” Aya sounded worried and that caused my stomach to ache.

Great it was one more thing to make him want to veto my part in the upcoming mission.

“Mmm I’m all right. Just a headache.” My reply came out brusquer than I’d wanted and muffled by the covers.

“Did you take something for it?” Aya’s soft voice was gratingly patronizing and I flinched away from his hand.

“No.” I mumbled and tiredly yawned. Truthfully I was afraid to sleep. I didn’t want the dreams to return.

“Why not? Honestly Ken a couple of painkillers wouldn’t hurt. They might even help you sleep.” Aya grabbed the covers near my head and yanked.

“I said I don’t want any!” God if he only knew. I’d almost taken too many of the damned little pills and only realized it at the last moment. Irritably I batted his hand away. I flopped over on my stomach and hid my face in my arms.

“Ken stop being an ass. I only want to help. Last night…” He hesitated and I lifted my head to look back at him.

Dark circles under Aya’s eyes marred his handsome face and he appeared every bit as exhausted as I felt. I had put them there and I could not help feeling guilty. We had been through so much together. Why was I letting this most recent disagreement pull us apart? I guess it was fear. I was afraid that I didn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship. I tended to push people away when they got too close. Even now after being together for nearly a year and a half I still was reluctant to let Aya and Chloe all the way into my life. And they called Aya the emotionally closed off one. True he was stubborn, broody and prone to petulant silences. While I was loud, had a bad temper and went out of my way to hurt those I cared about before they could hurt me first. It had become second nature to keep testing Aya and Chloe. I’d been used so much in the past that I needed constant reassurance that it wasn’t going to happen again. Not the way to establish a healthy partnership. I could tell Chloe was getting tired of being the buffer between Aya and me as well. As much as he claimed to love me I would eventually drive him away too. Trouble was I had no idea how to fix the problem. Perhaps I really didn’t need to do this job any more. I just couldn’t see myself as anything else but a hired killer. True we were working towards the greater good but it still meant trusting someone who claimed to know better. We’d been nothing more than pawns to Kritiker and I wondered how long it would be before KR started using us for his own gain as well.

The uncomfortable silence stretched between us until Aya got up to leave. Suddenly I didn’t want that. I needed him close as my fear of abandonment reared its ugly head. He had made a gesture of peace by bringing the tray in to my bedroom and I knew that if I let him go it might be the last such gesture. It made me ache so badly last night to see Aya curled by himself on the other side of the bed. But I couldn’t reach out to him then. I just wasn’t ready. Now though, if I didn’t I might lose him forever. I grabbed his sleeve and bit my lip as Aya turned to stare. He was frowning as if expecting another confrontation. His arm under my hand felt stiff and tense. Aya was bracing for another attack.

“Aya wait. Can you… I mean… I want you to stay with me a while?” I softly pled. I was afraid that he would leave anyway.

“Ken I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I mean nothing has changed and you still won’t be reasonable about…” I cut off his excuses. They didn’t matter right now and this felt too much like the day he left me standing at the airport.

“I don’t care. I don’t want to talk about that again. Not here and not now. How much sleep did you get last night Aya?” I tugged and he sank back down on the mattress. His back was ramrod straight as he perched right on the edge.

Aya hung his head so his hair covered his face. It was a habit of his when he was feeling particularly vulnerable. “Not much. I just couldn’t seem to relax. Not with you acting so distant. God Ken we are fucking this up badly and I’m so tired.”

“Lay down Aya. With me and try and get some sleep. I’m sure that someone can cover for you. It’s never that busy on a Monday anyway.” At least I thought it was Monday. The days kind of seemed to blur together at times.

Stubbornness might still make Aya retreat. He sat there for a long moment and then just sagged back against me. I curled my arms around his tense body and buried my nose in his soft crimson hair. I missed this. The way he smelled and the little noises he made as I wrapped myself around him.

“Ken tell me what to do. I feel so damned helpless and I hate it.” I stroked his hair and he sighed heavily.

“I don’t know. I want to get past this but I need you to trust me. Everyone keeps looking at me like I’m some kind of whacko and it’s hard to get better when my own team has no faith in me at all.” Aya turned to stare at me and I pulled away a little.

“How can I trust you when you won’t let me in?” Aya’s accusatory tone made me count to ten before I said something I would regret.

“I’m trying. I’ve already told you things that I’ve never told anyone else. I just need a little more time. I have some problems to work out and I promise you’ll be the first to hear all the rest.” His intense gaze seemed to look deep into my soul. It was hard not to turn away. His head dropped to my chest and he clung to me. I guess Aya did not see what he was looking for and gave up.

“I don’t want to talk any more. It’s getting us nowhere.” His defeated tone prodded my protective nature awake.

“Then we won’t. Just rest here a while and I’ll hold you.”

That is exactly what I did. I had no idea how much time passed before Aya lost his death grip on me and his breathing evened out. He was finally asleep and I savored his warmth. Soon I grew drowsy and slipped into a light doze as well.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Someone was touching me.

I tried to shake off the remnants of the half dream that was trying to suck me under. I tried not to panic and thrash around wildly. I was also thoroughly pinned in place and wanted to get loose.

“Shhh… Ken It’s ok. Relax and open your eyes.” The hand that I realized was on my face shifted to thread through my hair and push my bangs off my forehead. I recognized that voice. I did as he asked and tried to get my breathing back to normal. Chloe sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at me. Out of the three of us he looked the most rested. No doubt he figured he needed the energy to be referee between Aya and myself.

“How long was I asleep?” I asked somewhat fuzzily.

The blond staring intently at me leaned over and softly brushed his lips over mine. I leaned up into his kiss and savored the moment his tongue slid into my mouth. He didn’t seem to care that I was fucked up and seriously doubting my place on the team. His touch did not seem forced and for that I truly loved him. I shifted my hand to cup his cheek when a soft groan got our attention and we ended the brief contact. Aya’s head nestled in the crook of my neck. He exhaled noisily and moved a bit to get more comfortable. He was still dead to the world.

“I let you sleep about 4 hours since you seemed exhausted. I came up to check on the two of you and noticed that you were muttering in your sleep. I guessed it might have been a bad dream and decided to wake you up.” Chloe’s fingers combed the tangles out of my hair and I practically purred at his touch.

He was right. I’d needed the sleep desperately and Aya’s presence had been a balm to my wounded spirit after all. He lay stretched out closely tucked into my side with a leg thrown over my hip and an arm across my chest. It was much the same position Chloe had been in last night. As if they had to hold me in place for fear that I would be gone when they woke up. I still felt at a loss as to what I was supposed to do next.

“What should I do? Nothing has changed Chloe. How do I…damn it! Aya looks so peaceful there but when he wakes up is it going to go all to hell again?” Sleeping Aya looked so unlike his usual careworn self lately. The frown line between his eyes was gone and I lightly ran my thumb over that spot. Aya murmured tiredly and burrowed closer.

Chloe looked at us both almost wistfully. “Aya needs you Ken. More than he is willing to admit. I don’t want to have to pick up the pieces if you keep shoving him away. I knew there was a reason Aya never committed to me fully. He always held something back. I realize now what that something was. Ken you complete Aya and share a history with him that I was not a part of. I heard the stories of what the two of you went through. But you lived it with him. You both survived and maybe came out scarred by the experience. Aya hurts too Ken even though he does not show it as much.”

“Chloe how can I be there for him if I can’t even be there for myself? I feel so lost and disconnected. It’s like everyone I care about is leaving me and it’s all my fault.” I was startled when Chloe firmly grabbed my chin and tilted my head up. His ice blue eyes bore into mine.

“Don’t give up on him Ken. On what you have together. You have to stop wallowing in self-pity and take a look around you. There are people who care and will help if you’ll just ask for it.”

Could I believe what Chloe was telling me? Or should I continue to nurse this soul deep hurt that was only getting worse? I found it so hard to trust anyone even if the two people who would be the most understanding were right here before me. I was having trouble shaking the feeling that Aya might turn his back on me again. Despite the needy and troubling words my red haired lover had spoken earlier I didn’t really believe that anything would change once Aya woke up.

I felt hands clench my t-shirt and when I looked down Aya was gazing up at me blinking sleepily. The frown line was back marring his forehead and he pushed himself away from me and sat up. I could tell that my lover regretted being so clingy earlier. My attitude lately had forced the old Aya to surface. The one that avoided strong emotion and kept the world at bay with a sort of haughty coldness.  
As Aya sat there he wiped one hand across his eyes and took a deep breath.

“What time is it?”

Chloe shook his head. “About 4 pm. You both needed the sleep and truthfully I needed a respite from the both of you. Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? I hate seeing you like this. Aya is already tensing up and Ken is getting irritated. Why don’t you just grow up and admit there is a fucking problem.”

That was unexpected. Usually my platinum haired lover is the calming influence in this odd relationship.

“Well if Ken would only admit that there is a problem. He does not need to go on this mission because of some misguided notion that he needs to prove himself.” Aya’s eyes flashed angrily and any trace of warmth from earlier was gone.

The closeness I’d felt before when I held Aya in my arms evaporated and was replaced with righteous indignation.

“Now wait just a fucking minute Aya! This mission is not the problem. It’s your lack of trust in me! Admit it you think I am a total screw up!” True to form Aya’s mouth turned up into a sneer.

“It’s me you don’t trust Ken. Mihirogi made me mission leader for this one and if I say you’re not fit then you’re not.” His expression dared me to protest.

I looked over at Chloe and he seemed totally embarrassed. “You were going to tell me when? God Damn it Chloe! Now you are both keeping secrets from me?”

“I’m sorry I was going to tell you but we needed to talk about other things first. Honestly, but Aya said to…” I interrupted him at this point.

“Aya said?” I turned to the redhead beside me. “Just who died and made you God? Oh wait silly me must have been our lovely mouthpiece for KR.” I was almost seeing red. Now that Aya was in charge I had no hope in hell of going.

“I’m not going to sit here while you go off all half cocked and insult me.” Aya ground out from between clenched teeth.

“Oh no fucking way am I letting you stalk off like some ice prince thinking I’m wrong.” I grabbed his arms and slammed Aya back down on the bed. I straddled his hips and pinned him to the mattress.

Momentarily too surprised to struggle Aya just glared at me. I hated being on the receiving end of the infamous Fujimiya death glare. Instead of making me back off it just made me angrier.

“Let go Ken. Now.” His calm quiet demand just added fuel to the fire. I was tired of Aya always being in total control while I felt like a drowning man in need of a life preserver.

I had no trouble holding Aya in place and he knew it. He arched his back and struggled to get free.

“Come on Ken let Aya up. We can talk about this later I think the both of you just need to cool off.” Chloe grabbed my shoulder and I jerked away.

“Back off Chloe this is between me and Aya. I’m sick of his superior attitude and thinking he’s always right.” Aya tried to pull his hands from my strong grip.

Aya’s struggles were having an effect on me I had not anticipated. His actions were making me hard and I felt the overwhelming need to wipe that sneer right off of his handsome face. So much for my need to cling to Aya before our nap. Now all I wanted was to dominate that smug bastard.

Apparently even though Aya was pissed at me as well the resulting wrestling match was having the same effect on him too. I’d never felt the need before to take control of my red haired lover like this. I was content for him to take the lead and show me what he wanted. But with everything else in my life spiraling out of control I still had this. Wild, unrestrained passion. To hell with our argument and to hell with the mission.

“Ken….” Aya hissed as I rubbed my crotch against his.

“Shut up Aya.” I growled and slammed my lips onto his.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: Mildly dubious consent

I forced my tongue into his mouth and took over the kiss. For once I had the upper hand and was not going to give it back to Aya. I felt his body relax under me and a moan pushed out from between our joined lips. I should have known my red haired lover would not relinquish control so easily. I jerked back when a sharp stinging pain and a coppery tang filled my mouth. The little shit had bitten me! I winced as I ran my tongue over the sore spot on my lip. A small thread of blood dribbled down my chin and I resisted the urge to wipe it off.

“God Dammit Aya you bit me!” I still had a hold of his wrists with one hand though it was a struggle. Years of wielding a sword made his upper body sleekly muscular.

“Let me up Ken or I’ll do it again.” His eyes narrowed at me dangerously.

Chloe shifted on the bed restlessly and he seemed at a loss as to what to do. I hoped he’d stay out of Aya’s and my little power struggle or even possibly join in with helping me subdue the arrogant prick. Perhaps though he chose to simply watch the floor show. Chloe did have a kinky streak a mile wide and if Aya truly wished to get away he could hurt me badly. I was banking on this being just a sexual power struggle and not a true need to hurt me. But with Aya you never could tell. I’d once seen him rack Yohji in the nuts when the blond had pissed him off and I hoped tonight would not be a repeat performance.

I shifted my grip again to cup the hardness between Aya’s legs. I squeezed that heated bulge and the red head under me squirmed.

“Are you sure you want me to let you up Aya?” I bent down to swipe my tongue across one pale nipple. The blood from my chin left a crimson streak on his pale skin.

“Nnnnngh…Ken damn it!” His reply was drawn out into a groan as I bit at the distended and sensitive flesh.

I rather liked the way my blood stained his fair skin. I looked at the streak for a moment before trailing my tongue along the smear. My tight grip on his wrists kept him in place as I explored his chest. I bit and sucked sharply leaving redness to mark my passage. I slowly ground my hips against his trapping my hand between us. While my lips traced the delicate lines of his collarbone I wanted to show everyone that I was in control. I needed Aya to lie still and let me do what I wanted. My world narrowed to just me and him. I licked at the soft skin on his neck and he bucked hard into my hand as I fastened my mouth on his neck. He hissed as the suction raised a welt and still I didn’t relent. I stroked his cock through the fabric of his briefs as I moved down his body. His hands still gripped in mine clenched as I bit him hard on the hip.

“Fuck!” Aya swore as his eyes slammed shut.

“Ken back off a little.” I shrugged Chloe’s hand off of my shoulder. I spared him a brief glance before my attention was once more riveted on Aya.

“No let him Chloe. He has something to prove.” Damn it he was still in charge! Letting me do what I wanted. It pissed me off even more when I released his hands and he just lay there.

Aya placidly looked at me and that was not the reaction I wanted from him. I liked the tension in his body while he struggled for dominance. I wanted him to lose control for once and not just magnanimously let me fuck him. Fine then! If he was going to let me anyway then by god he was going to get pounded. I’d win for once.

I stripped off the rest of my clothes and pushed Aya’s legs open wide. I ran my fingers through the pre-cum leaking from my dick and then spit onto them. I rubbed my slick fingers around his pinkish puckered hole and thrust two inside. He hissed and grit his teeth at the sudden intrusion into his body. God he was tight and I could not wait to show him who was boss. My cock twitched in anticipation as I bent and licked the smooth skin of his inner thighs. Aya tried to close his legs as I yet again marked his flawless skin. He was mine and I wanted his body to bear testament.

Aya’s breathing grew harsh as I removed my fingers and knelt between his legs. I lined myself up and started to shove my way home when his pained cry broke through the haze of angry lust that gripped me.

“Stop, Ken! You’re hurting him!" Chloe said. With his hand on my bare chest, he shoved me away from Aya. “Just look at what you’ve done to him!”

Numerous welts decorated his body from every one of my so called “love” bites. His flagging erection lay against his thigh and Aya looked at me with genuine sorrow. In that moment I realized what happened. I was treating Aya like Kase used to treat me and how I’d once begged Aya to do me. This was not sex but punishment. I wanted to get back at Aya for pissing me off and for the argument we’d had. I’d almost used sex as a weapon.

I recoiled from them both and scooted to the other side of the bed. I could see the pity on their faces making me feel dirty and sick. Aya was just going to let me fuck him hard in some misguided sense that this was what I wanted.

“Oh God…I’m sorry. So sorry. I’m just like him.” I couldn’t breathe as I wrapped my arms around my self and totally freaked. My vision blurred as tears welled in my eyes. I was weak. I was a coward. I was no better than Kase. “I…I…Fuck! I just…I don’t…”

Aya sat up and tried to put his hand out to me. “Ken it’s all right.”

“No… no it’s not,” I said, flinching away from his touch. “I just wanted to...I needed...”

I couldn’t even put voice to the emotions churning inside me. A sick part of me wanted to continue but I could hear Kase’s voice in my head repeating all the things I’d been thinking right before I almost took Aya dry.

“Ken’s right, Aya. What he tried to do was wrong. I should have stopped him.” Chloe’s arm was around Aya and the look he was giving me was anything but understanding.

So I did what I’d gotten really good at. I fled into the bathroom and shut the door. I sank down onto the floor by the shower and covered my face with my hands. After a while muffled words drifted through the shut door. It sounded like Aya and Chloe were having an argument. I couldn’t make out what they were saying but Chloe seemed to be doing most of the yelling. Then it got quiet and I jumped when the bathroom door swung open and hit the wall. Chloe stood there, glaring at me. To avoid the message in his eyes, I looked down at the floor until he walked over to me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Chloe yelled. I knew I’d pushed him past his limit. So far he’d been the buffer between Aya and me but now he’d picked the side he wanted to be on and it wasn’t mine. “I can’t believe Aya was going to let you do that to him!”

“He...he let me do it.” I felt some stupid need to defend myself even though I knew I’d nearly done something horrible.

“Let you? Of course he was going to let you. Aya has a fucked up sense of chivalry. He thought that if he let you do what you wanted that it would make up for not trusting you. I saw what was happening,” Chloe yelled. “You were too rough.”

“We’ve done it rough before. You even like it that way.” Chloe was doing nothing to calm my frazzled nerves. His attitude, even if justified, was making me mad. It was too much how he used to treat me.

“God Ken! There is a difference between a good hard fucking and using sex as a punishment. You wanted Aya to submit to you. He wasn’t even enjoying it after a while. Couldn’t you see that? He was going to just lay there and take it because he thought that is what you needed to do. If you ever try that again I will personally kick your ass.” Chloe was right. It was Aya’s pain that had snapped me out of my haze.

“I’m sorry ok? I fucked up,” I continued to yell. “What do you want me to do?”

“At this point I really don’t know. You won’t let us help you. You refuse to accept help from anyone else. You might be right. I don’t think we’re enough for you anymore. Talk to Mihirogi and KR. Maybe they can have you see someone that can help.” Chloe’s anger seemed to dissipate only to be replaced with sadness. He looked at me and shook his head.

“No!” I shouted. No fucking way was I going to talk to a shrink again. “I just need a little more time.”

“Take all the time you need Ken. I’m just tired of waiting for you to come to your senses.” Chloe sighed heavily. “Look…I still care about you but I can’t be with you right now. Aya’s a mess and you’re only adding to the problem. I swear you two feed off of each other’s angst. I can’t take it anymore. When you’re ready to accept some help come find us. Until then maybe it would be better if you stayed away for a while. I…I’m sorry Ken.”

Then he was gone.

I’d finally done it. I’d driven them both away. Even Chloe’s tear filled eyes as he left the bathroom did not make me get up and beg his forgiveness. It was, after all, what I felt like I deserved.

I don’t remember much of the rest of that night. I crawled into a bottle of whiskey and stayed there for the better part of two days. No one came to check on me. No one came to yell at me. No one came to tell me that I was fucking up my whole life.

I realized I was on my own.


	15. Chapter 15

I only see myself reflected in your eyes  
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies  
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was  
Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?  
I don't know if I'm real without you  
What is left of me without you?

I don't know what's real without you  
How can I exist without you?

I'm wandering around confused  
Wondering why I try  
The more that you deny my pain  
The more it intensifies...  
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you  
If you ignore that I'm alive  
I've nothing to cling to  
I don't know if I'm real without you  
What is left of me without you?

I don't know what's real without you  
How can I exist without you?

I stare in this mirror  
So tired of this life  
If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive  
Once I swore I would die for you  
But I never meant like this  
I never meant like this  
I don't know if I'm real without you  
What is left of me without you?

I don't know what's real without you  
How can I exist without you? (Shame: Stabbing Westward)

 

The Beginning of the end

 

It’s touching really when you learn just how much you mean to the people you once thought were friends. When I finally came out of my room the silence that greeted me was more than uncomfortable. It was deafening. Aya could not even stand being in the same room with me and Chloe just shot pitying glances my way. Michel tried to make an overture that night but one hand placed on his shoulder from Free was enough to keep the chibi away. Yuki simply kept his nose buried in a book or his lap top. Clearly uneasy with the situation he decided to pretend I didn’t exist at all.

It was no less than I deserved and since there was nothing else to occupy my time I spent it training to the point of exhaustion. I wasn’t called on to take any shifts in the shop either. I bet they thought I’d snap and go after a customer with a pair of pruning shears. A long jog in the morning rain or shine usually kept me from wallowing in guilt and self pity too much. Then a shower and lunch that I fixed myself and ate in my room. An intense training session in the workout room on the third floor followed. By that time I was usually stumbling with exhaustion so I retreated to my room once more for another session in the shower to soothe my aching muscles.

After that was the time I dreaded the most. There was nothing to fill my evening but a huge aching loneliness. I only had myself to blame but the barrier between my lovers and I was too great a distance to travel. I’d try to fill the hours between dusk and dawn by reading or watching TV. I could not concentrate at all and only ended up staring at a page or screen with no comprehension of what was displayed. Going out meant me ending up in some bar. Joining the rest of Weiss in the living room like we once used to do held little appeal. Besides I needed to prove I could go on the upcoming mission despite being a total fucked up wreck. After all it was the only thing I had left. Originally the mission was supposed to have gone down already but an unexpected journey out of town by the target pushed it back until we could corner him in his warehouse inspecting the fruits of his labors.

The silence in my room got so bad the third night after Chloe and Aya walked out on me that I actually went downstairs looking for Aya. I had no idea what I was going to do if I found him but the longing was a sharp ache in my gut. It seemed like everyone else had gone to bed but a lamp shone from under the door to the living room. Peering through the partially opened door Aya sat in his favorite chair with his feet propped up on a hassock. A thick paper back lay open on his chest and his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose. His head tilted slightly backward and his eyes were closed. Aya slept oblivious to my hungry gaze as I took in every inch of his perfect features.

The pain in my gut sharpened and I bit my lip. I wanted to rush in so badly and fling myself at his feet begging forgiveness. On the verge of swallowing the last vestiges of my pride and going in I was stopped by a platinum haired figure as he crossed the room. Chloe walked into my limited field of vision and knelt at Aya’s side. He carefully lifted the precariously perched glasses and slid them off. He folded and placed them in the pocket of Aya’s shirt as he blinked sleepily.

“Come on lover. It’s late and you need to get some sleep. Let’s go to bed.” My heart broke into tiny pieces as I watched Chloe extend his hand as he rose to his feet.

Aya smiled a tiny smile and took the outstretched hand and let Chloe pull him upward. His arm went around the blond’s waist and Aya’s head rested on Chloe’s shoulder. They spoke a few hushed words I couldn’t hear and Chloe kissed Aya softly. I couldn’t bear to watch any more. I crept down the hall before I got caught spying. My hand snagged my new motorcycle jacket and I went into the garage. Once on my bike I opened the door and roared off into the night. Racing through the streets as if trying to leave my pain far behind. It’s the one thing I did that gave me any kind of joy at all. The Ducati between my legs thrummed with power as I tested my skills on the twisty narrow lanes of the English countryside.

It was the only real joy I had left. The night air seeped in through every gap in my clothing and I shivered. I easily ignored the discomfort and revved the bike even harder. Whipped on by my imagination of Aya and Chloe. Entwined together in bed as they made love without me. I’d pushed so hard and they finally went away. It was what I wanted after all. I was free to carry out what ever mission KR deemed fit our special talents. Who needed the emotional hell of a relationship? I was done getting put through the ringer.

Focusing on the dark road ahead I slowed a bit from my near suicidal speed. The chill wind stung my cheeks and plastered my hair to my head. Belatedly I realized that I’d not even grabbed my helmet. There was no way in hell I could go back yet. If I heard Aya’s or Chloe’s voices through the bedroom door the devastation I felt would hit me full force. I had to move on. I had to move past this pathetic mess my life had become.

A full tank of gas and the open road stretched ahead of me. A few more hours and exhaustion would force me back. But for now I chose to outrun my need for the heartbreakingly beautiful men sharing the same bed without me. I irritably swiped at my aching, wind irritated eyes. Not realizing that the burning was not just from the wind but from the tears coursing down my cheeks.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Blah, Blah Blah…secure the area. Find the target. Kill the bad guys or dark beasts as they’re called. I’ve heard it all dozens of times. The locations change but the outcome is always the same. I’m still alive and they’re dead. I’m ready to kill again at some one else’s beck and call.

“Ken did you hear what I just said? Were you even paying attention?” Aya’s voice cuts through my inner monologue.

I rolled my eyes at his condescending tone. Somehow it had gotten easier over the past few days to function. After seeing Aya and Chloe so lovingly together that night my heart froze completely solid in my chest. All the hurt and pain was jammed behind this wall and all I felt was numb. Oh I pretended to give a damn when Michel tried to reestablish our easy friendship. I just didn’t have it in me. I would not leave myself open for such unbearable hurt. I’d become the assassin Kritiker always wanted me to be. Cold, hard and uncaring. Just point me at the target and let me go. Like some demented wind up toy.

“Yes Aya I heard you. I even read the folder with the specs for the mission.” I could tell my monotone reply grated on his nerves and a small part of me was glad to see he was hurting. It was nothing compared to the bottomless pit just waiting to swallow me up. I leaned casually against the book case and feigned boredom.

Free glared at me and I refused to rise to the bait. He’d been infuriatingly nosy and not content to stay the hell away from me. I’d been cornered a few times and been on the receiving end of his cryptic lectures. He’d gone on about how my behavior was jeopardizing the team and hurting all of us. Well like that was such a fucking big surprise.

Chloe turned his pale blue eyes on me sorrowfully and my façade cracked a little. I had to get out of this room.

“Look we need to go over the blueprints for the lab again.” Aya spread the folded sheets out on the table.

I sighed loudly and shook my head.

“I’m not going to fuck this up!” I ground out between clenched teeth. “You have me so far from any possible action the only danger I’ll be in is from being bored to death.”

“Look Ken everyone is going to be placed where they can be the most effective.” Aya’s condescending tone was starting to piss me off.

“Well Gee Aya how can that possibly be true? You have me on look out duty when we know Michel and Yuki are best suited for that. I’m a close up, in your face killer. You need me to take out the target and his bodyguards.” Sarcasm painted my voice as I stepped closer to my former lover.

Aya clenched his jaw and crossed his arms over his chest. “I am still mission leader and if you want to participate you’ll stay where I’ve put you.”

That was fucking it! So much for my calm, cold façade. Without even truly realizing it my fist was clenched and I was raising it. A hand on my shoulder momentarily stopped the punch I so wanted to land in that pretty face.

“Ken that is enough.” Free’s hand tightened painfully and I lowered my arm.

“Ken please just stop.” Chloe’s soft voice and pleading eyes made me back off a step.

“Fine I’m outta here! I’ll be back in plenty of time to suit up for this fiasco.” I snarled and tore away from Free’s grip.

As I stalked to the door I heard Aya’s pained voice. “Chloe why? What have I done? I never meant to…”

The rest of his words were drowned out by the slamming of the door as I stomped through the house and out into the courtyard. No Aya it was nothing you’ve done. I fucked everything up. With a sinking heart I realized that even if I completed the mission how could I live in a house where every word felt like a betrayal? But I really had no where else to go…unless. Ok stupid thought. Like that would ever work. Despite not really being dressed for it I took off at a brisk jog. The day for once was somewhat warm and not a cloud marred the blue expanse of sky overhead.

It clashed horribly with my current mood and the dark deed we’d all be committing tonight. I ran straight to a nearby park and given the weather the jogging trails were crowded. I paid little attention to the others around me. Although I did stick out a little dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Usually when I ran my brain just sorta coasted along on neutral but today my mind was a whirling chaos.

The events over the last few weeks only emphasized what a pathetic idiot I was. I tried my best to stuff all my fear, anxiety and regrets back behind their wall. But the cracks were getting harder and harder to patch up. Fuck! I was not going to start sniveling again like some adolescent little girl. It was hard to admit but as much as I loathed Aya at the moment I really still loved him. It was a gut wrenching, guilty kind of love that I did not feel like I deserved. I could lie to myself all I wanted but I still needed him. Chloe’s rejection of me burned raw and harsh. Out of the two of them I knew that the odds of earning his affection again were virtually impossible. Besides they had each other now just like before I came into the picture and screwed it all up.

Maybe KR could find some solo jobs for me. Maybe….Fuck!

I almost didn’t see the woman with the stroller until I was about to plow right into her. With another curse I flung myself sideways off the path. I rolled with the momentum and ended up flat on my back in a pile of leaves. The woman stopped to ask if I was ok and I waved her on with an apology and fake smile. I’d run quite a distance and lay there gasping. If my concentration was this shot I deserved to get a bullet for my troubles tonight. I had to get it together. I groaned and sat up. I leaned back against a convenient tree and ignored the cold dampness seeping through the fabric of my jeans. I drew my knees up and rested my forehead there for a while. I needed to think.

Well that was a spectacularly stupid idea. The more I brooded the worse I felt. It’s amazing how fast a person’s life could spiral out of control. Morosely I glanced over at a field on the other side of the running trail. A soccer game was going on and I stared. Thoughts of David, Michael and even Kase flooded my mind. I tried to find any vestiges of joy I once held for the game. I thought about the kids I’d taught between being Kritiker’s lap dog. I’d almost gotten them killed too when Schrient decided to play fuck with the trucker and he tried to made road kill out of us. My involvement with those crazy bitches almost ended the lives of some innocent children in my care. After that being a soccer coach lost all its appeal. Whenever I chanced to pass by that field where I used to coach I always walked a little faster. I ignored any shouts for me to wait a minute. Yes I missed those kids but I also realized that making friends and trying to have a life outside of being an assassin was futile. So yeah any joy I once had for the game had been ruthlessly torn away from me. The final straw was when I viciously slashed Jonathan and ended his life. Covering him with the team flag was the final nail in the coffin.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This was getting me nothing but a head ache and a damp ass from sitting on the ground. The prospect of a work out appealed to me more. Then I could make sure my bugnuks were in proper working order. After all it just would not do to have them malfunction. The slightly manic giggle that escaped my lips should have alarmed me but somehow didn’t. Laughing was better than crying wasn’t it?


	16. Chapter 16

I cannot take this anymore  
Saying everything I've said before  
All these words they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorance  
Less I hear the less you'll say  
You'll find that out anyway

Just like before...

Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
I need a little room to breathe  
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge  
I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear  
Wish I could find a way to disappear  
All these thoughts they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorance  
Nothing seems to go away  
Over and over again

I'm about to BREAK

(One Step Closer By Linkin Park)

*snickt *snickt* snickt*

The repeated sounds of the blades as they retracted and extended seemed oddly soothing. The gloves encased my hands and fit like a second skin. Supple from repeated oiling and much use. I also had my Glock in a shoulder holster under my left arm. I hoped the fight would get up close and personal. I was craving a little mindless mayhem.

That is if I hadn’t been placed at the ass end of nowhere. Aya got his way and I was stuck watching this side door in the cavernous warehouse. Yuki was holed away safely with his laptop feeding Aya and Chloe vital information about the target. Michel and Free were concealed in strategic spots near the meeting area. The buyers were already waiting outside for their contact to arrive. Our job was to take out everyone. The seller of the nerve gas canisters, the buyer and all their respective goons.

If I ever got a fucking chance! The miniscule pool of light shed by the small bare bulb above the side door just added to the isolation. My dark clothing blended with the deep shadows as I bounced lightly on the balls of my feet. I needed some action and this waiting was driving me nuts. I cursed at the interminable wait and pulled a small flask out of an inner pocket of my jacket.

The scent of strong whiskey drifted up as I removed the stopper. I took a healthy swig and squinted into the darkness. The com unit on my ear only emphasized the order for radio silence unless the target was spotted. The situation was fucking stupid! Aya put me here as punishment I just knew it. They needed me at the ambush point damn it! It would serve him right if he got himself killed.

My stomach clenched uncomfortably at that thought. I didn’t…damn it! I didn’t want to see him or Chloe hurt. I needed to be there! As much as my fake bravado insisted I stay angry at them I was truly scared for their safety. Another large drink of liquid courage and the flask sloshed in my hand half empty. It blunted the edginess I felt and with not even a second thought I downed the rest of the contents.

Stupid I know but it was either that or scream in frustration at being virtually forgotten about in this derelict structure.

~*~

My mind wandered as I thought back to earlier today. I spent time in the gym taking out my ire on the heavy bag and making sure my weapons worked perfectly. A bag that would have to be replaced since it was now full of puncture holes and vicious slashes.

Michel wandered in at one point and sat watching as I attacked the inanimate object with more force than necessary. During one of my pauses for breath he tentatively approached and threw his arms around me. I froze in surprise.

Everyone up to that moment basically avoided me and I wanted nothing more than to hug him back and take what comfort he offered. My guilty conscience wouldn’t let me. I pulled away and stared at the young man. Michel said he was afraid and begged me to talk to Aya and Chloe.

Sadly I got angry thinking they put him up to being an errand boy. I yelled that I was fine and didn’t need him to plead their case. The hurt that flooded into those huge blue eyes made me realize that Michel had come up here on his own. I sagged against the heavy bag and leaned my head on my crossed arms. I tiredly asked him to just go away and leave me alone.

I didn’t even look up as he quietly shuffled his feet to the stairway. His final words pierced me to the core.

“Ken we all still love you. No matter what you think. Please believe that.” Then he was gone.

With a strangled cry I unleashed all the hurt I felt onto my workout. Not stopping until I fell to my knees gasping for air. The bag above me hung tattered and torn. Much like my soul at the moment. I ripped my gloves off and hurled them across the room.

A small noise got my attention and wearily I looked at the doorway. Chloe leaned against one side and Aya the other. I shook my head. I did not want to deal with them right now…I couldn’t.

I hungrily stared at their twin poses because truly I couldn’t help myself. Aya dressed casually in grey slacks and dark blue sweater and Chloe in faded blue jeans and red button up shirt. Their close proximity just reinforced that they didn’t need me to come between them anymore.

I also didn’t need them to see me in a moment of weakness. Aya could still pull me off the mission. I think he knew that I’d follow and short of tying me up I was going whether they liked it or not.

I got to my feet and assumed a nonchalant attitude. Arms crossed over my chest and head up.

“I’m still going.” I ground out sullenly.

Aya lingered in the doorway as Chloe walked up to me. He reached out and his fingers stopped short of brushing my cheek.

“Ken listen. I don’t want to leave it like this. We need to talk.” Chloe stepped closer and I felt trapped.

“Talk about what? There’s nothing left to say.” I stepped back keeping my distance. Especially since Aya joined Chloe and they both looked at me uncomfortably.

“How can you be like that? I thought I…that we meant something to you!” Aya’s outburst startled me.

“You don’t need me. You have each other. I don’t fit anywhere in there now.” I backed further away and they followed me.

“How can you say that? Are you going to throw away almost two years with us? Ken please.” Chloe reached out again and only the wall behind stopped me.

“I…I can’t ok? I need some space. I have to focus on the mission and this is not helping.” Chloe’s hand cupped my cheek and I couldn’t stop my eyes from closing.

I felt another hand pulling my arms down from where they were held defensively against my chest. Then warm fingers grasped my hand. I opened my eyes and Aya stood way too close. There was no where left to retreat. I stared into his amethyst eyes and was lost.

“Ken let us help you. Promise you’ll stay here and when we get back tonight Chloe and I will do everything in our power to see that you get better.” Aya raised his other hand and placed it on my chest right over my heart.

It took a moment for his words to penetrate the haze. That asshole! Trying to cajole me into cowering in my room like some freaking nut job.

“Get away! I’m going and acting all concerned is not going to make me stay here! Back off! Go downstairs! Fuck each other for all I care but leave me the hell alone!” I used my considerable strength to shove past them and into the bathroom. I locked the door and sagged to the floor. How dare they try and keep me here!

I heard some muffled arguing through the door then silence descended on the room. There were still a few hours until we left and I spent some of the time in the shower trying to get knotted muscles to relax.

The building was almost too quiet as I went downstairs to my room. I was almost inside the door when a hand landed on my shoulder and gripped it tightly. I startled badly and dropped into a defensive crouch. Not a good idea to sneak up on me when I was so on edge.

“Ken.”

Free stood there looking as immoveable as a mountain. So he was here for my pre-mission pep talk too? What next? I stood and glared.

“It would be best if you didn’t accompany us on this mission.” His low voice raised my hackles.

“No fucking way! Did your cards tell you to come up here? Or did Michel run and tattle that the big mean assassin yelled at him?” Before I could even duck Free’s hand shot out and clipped me on the chin.

If he hadn’t pulled his punch I’d be laid out on the floor possibly nursing a broken jaw. Regardless it stung like hell and I licked at the blood from a slightly split lip.

“That’s one. Try it again and you won’t like the outcome.” I snarled.

“You are a fool and I just hope you manage to survive the night.” Free stalked off and I felt sick.

What the hell was I doing? It was if I could not control my mouth any more. At least Yuki decided not to try his luck with the crazy man. Then again Aya probably warned him away.

~*~

A slight scraping noise turned my attention back to the mission. Finally some action at last.

I squinted into the darkness and tried to pinpoint the noise. I waited until I heard it again and moved silently through the shadows to a stack of crates. Tense and adrenaline pumping I had to bite back a string of curses as the cause of the disturbance became apparent. Fucking Rats! This one was the size of a small dog and if it hadn’t scuttled away I’d have skewered it to the wall.

Enough of this bullshit! The crackle of the com coming alive in my ear proved startling. I jumped as Aya’s hushed voice whispered in my ear.

“Hold your positions. Target entering the warehouse. Await further orders.” Then it went silent.

Fuck it! I’ll be damned if I’m going to wait here like a coward. Like a wraith I went further into the building to where I knew the others waited.

The sounds of fighting drew me like a magnet. Damn Aya for putting me so far away. I needed to be there to help take out the scum bags that thought they were above the law. Stealth useless now as gunfire echoed in the cavernous space. Shit! I had a very bad feeling about this as my stomach churned. Or maybe it was the whisky that sat like a lead brick in my empty gut.

I rounded a tall stack of crates to see Aya sweeping his katana out in a flashing arc. His foe fell to the ground gurgling and choking on his own blood. Free had one hulking brute held aloft by a hand around his throat. While Chloe neatly shot a man in an expensive suit clutching a briefcase in front of him like a shield. Another body lay on the floor with half a dozen rose bedecked, slimly elegant stilettos sticking out of his torso. I had no idea where Michel was but thought there was no way Free would let the chibi out of his sight.

Aya looked up as I ran into the open area between the steep aisles of crates. The immediate frown on his face made my hackles rise. One ominous crunch told me that the man Free had been strangling was no longer a threat. Michel jumped lightly down from his perch on the stacked boxes as Chloe plucked his bite roses from his victim.

Before I could even open my mouth Yuki’s shouted warning had us all turning towards the door. He ran in and yelled for everyone to duck and cover. It appeared that one of the assholes outside had a grenade. What ever happened to the thugs sticking strictly to guns only?

There was a loud roar and we all dove for cover. After the impact I crawled out from my hiding place relieved to see everyone more or less intact. The entrance, however, was engulfed in flames. I stood mesmerized by the orange glow as the fire licked hungrily at the wooden boxes. A cold sweat covered my body as this scenario became frightfully like the one that landed me in Weiss all those years ago.

My arm was jerked roughly and I turned a frightened gaze on Aya’s angry face.

“You were supposed to be guarding the south door Ken why the hell are you here?” Aya’s tone pushed a little of the fear away and anger crept in.

“Come on we need to go! I have the canisters!” Chloe shouted. The smoke was making him cough.

“Which way?” Michel snatched up another briefcase with what I assumed was the payoff.

“South door. It’s the only way that should be clear. Anyone who got a look at us is dead. The remaining hired muscle should have fled. This fire is going to attract a lot of attention.” Aya dropped my arm and I rubbed at the sore spot.

He took point as we navigated through the seemingly endless stacked corridors. We all coughed now from the smoke that made it hard to see. Only Yuki’s memory of the floor plan kept us moving in the right direction.

With a huge amount of relief we burst out into the clear area near the door I’d been stationed at earlier. Aya grabbed the door handle and flung it open. I looked on horrified as the space was filled with a suit wearing thug.

An area that I was supposed to keep clear. One that would have made our escape clean if I’d stayed put. I’d have heard the guy and would’ve taken him out before he even had a chance to become a threat. Next in line I saw all too clearly what happened next.

The man raised his gun and fired point blank at Aya’s chest before he could even raise his sword.

Aya…the love of my life was flung backward from the impact and lay unmoving on the concrete floor.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl. Dimly I was aware of Chloe rushing forward to fall to his knees beside Aya frantically calling his name.

His scream of denial shattered my heart into little tiny pieces.

Suddenly there was not enough oxygen in the room. I panted harshly as a red haze descended across my vision. That fucker was dead!

Heedless of the gun now pointed at my direction I flung myself at the man. One of my clawed hands entered his body with such force that he was lifted off his feet. I noted with a weird kind of detached calm that he’d fired again. I barely registered getting hit as I twisted my other weapon into his guts. I relished the feel of them sliding through as I jerked my hands upward. I laughed at the stunned look on his face as I sank my weapons into him over and over and over…

“We need to get out of here now!”

“Grab his hands!”

“Watch out!”

“So much blood. How much of it is his? Can you tell?”

“Michel get back!”

“Free get him under control!”

The words shouted around me filled up the empty place in my head. Previously only white noise made a constant buzz as the urge to maim and kill overwhelmed. I didn’t want to stop. I had to make them pay and pay and pay!

My struggles became frantic as I was grabbed and held down. I lashed out wildly with my claws and grinned at the shout of pain. I wouldn’t let them get me! I needed to rend and tear Aya’s attacker to pieces. Send then straight to hell, one place I was sure I’d eventually end up.

Then it became hard to breathe. I was pinned. My weapons were taken away and I struggled harder. No! I wasn’t finished yet! A heavy arm pressed tightly under my chin cut off what little air I was able to gasp. Black spots danced in front of my eyes as I weakly tried to get away.

No! I had to…had to…Aya please…

Then everything went dark.


	17. Chapter 17

“Grab his hands!”

“Damn it I said hold him still! Ken don’t move I have to see where the blood is coming from.”

“What? What happened? I don’t…” Everything’s all jumbled up. I can’t move! “No! Stop!” I screamed and tried to make sense out of the chaos around me. I felt sluggish and numb and couldn’t get my eyes to open. I tried to sit up or get my arms free. I needed to get away. I needed to…

“Ken please stop moving! You’re all right. Just let me take a look at you.” 

Who? Chloe?

I wanted to sit up…to get the hands off of me. I struggled and white hot agony speared me in the chest and I couldn’t breathe. Frantically I gripped the arm holding me down. My eyes flew open and I stared up into Chloe’s worried face haloed by the dome light in the SUV.

“Ken calm down. You need to relax. Take a breath, good now another one. Free hand me a knife I need to get his jacket off.” Chloe’s face was spattered with blood and I wondered how he’d been hurt.

His soothing voice, shaky as it was, made me take in a shallow cautious gulp of air. It burned like fire. The muscular arm holding me down belonged to Free and Michel peered over the back of the seat. I tried to sort out how I’d gotten to the car and why I was flat on my back draped over Chloe and Free’s laps.

I blinked and licked my lips. A coppery saltiness filled my mouth and I recognized the taste. More blood.

“W…what? C-Chloe what happened.” Everything hurt and as Chloe carefully cut the jacket off I groaned.

“It’s ok just…just let me look.” There were pinkish tracks on his cheeks and I realized they were from tears.

Why was he so upset? I didn’t understand. I tried to think. The mission…they were fighting. I went to find out what was going on. There was a loud noise and fire…we all ran...then…then it hit me.

“AYA! Oh God Ran! Fuck! Let me up!” Frantically I pushed at the hands holding me ignoring the searing pain that stole my breath away again.

“KEN! STOP! He’s alive! You have to stop moving.” Chloe’s fingers dug into my arms. Free’s arm was like an iron band holding me down.

“Chloe’s right Ken. He’s up here with me.” Michel’s lip was trembling in an effort not to cry.

“You’re lying! I saw…Oh hell…I saw him fall. He got shot! He’s dead I know it!” Spots danced in front of my eyes as it became harder to draw in any air at all.

Chloe’s hands framed my face and forced me to look at him.

“Ken he did get shot. I freaked too. Until I got his coat open. A vest Ken…he was wearing a vest. The impact knocked him off his feet. He hit his head on the concrete floor. He’s barely conscious and resting up there with Michel.” Chloe’s voice came out brittle and sharp with barely contained hysteria.

“I saw…I was sure…I…fuck! I lost it! Let me see him! I need to see him! If he’s ok why are you looking at me like that?!” Aya had to be hurt worse. Otherwise why were they keeping me from him? I panted in an effort to stop the dizzy rush of nausea. Why couldn’t I catch my breath? Everything was so confusing. I tried to bat Chloe’s hands away as they pulled the cut clothing off.

I heard the gasp as he pulled the fabric away. It made a sticky sucking sound as he peeled it apart. No doubt I was covered with the blood of the guy I gutted. I hissed as Chloe’s hand touched something on my chest that made the pain flare up sharp and bright. Nervously I watched as Free handed Chloe a thick gauze pad from the medical kit we keep in the car.

“Chloe what?” I bit my lip and tried not to yell as he laid the pad on the left side of my chest and pressed down. The effort made me cough and once again the metallic taste flooded my mouth.

“Ken please just keep still. You…you got hit when you attacked that guy. We didn’t realize right away. We thought he missed you. Free had to grab and put you in a choke hold. That guy…there was not much left of him after we pulled you off. You didn’t even know who we were. Free missed getting skewered by inches but you managed to rake his arm.” Chloe’s hand trembled as it applied pressure to the makeshift bandage.

“I…I was shot? I didn’t feel…I wasn’t even…” Now it fucking hurt. The crazed adrenaline high faded and I felt weak and sick.

“We…we didn’t even notice at first. I was checking Aya and Michel checked Free’s arm where you gouged him. There was blood everywhere and as we picked you up to get the hell out I noticed you were bleeding. We got to the car and tried to find where you’d been hit.” Chloe brushed the hair out of my eyes. It was matted with blood and clung to my forehead.

“Shit!” All I could think to say and it seemed so inadequate to cover the situation. I’d fucked up badly. I let my inner demons take control. Ones that I tried to keep reigned in. Ones that thirsted for revenge, blood and death.

“Yuki turn left up ahead. We need to get Ken some medical attention. I can’t get the bleeding stopped. Michel call KR we need to set up some damage control. They take one look at us in the emergency room and the police will haul us all away. See if we can get into that clinic with the doctor friend of his.” It was too much of an effort to fight any more. I sank down into Free’s lap and was surprised he wanted me anywhere near him at all.

Chloe’s hands on my chest and the constant pressure only made me want to cough again. I gasped and it felt like I’d been eating broken glass. My hand tangled in Chloe’s sleeve as I looked miserably up at him.

“S…sorry. So S…sorry.” I whispered as a froth of blood ran down my chin.

“Shhhh…it’s all right Ken just stay quiet. We’ll be there soon.” He leaned over and kissed my lips lightly. Not even flinching at the blood.

“Chloe everything’s all set up. Dr. Price will be waiting for us. Is…is he gonna be ok?” Michel’s face was a study in abject misery. I hated seeing him like this and knowing it was my fault.

“Don’t worry Michel. We’ll get him some help. How is Aya?” I wished I could see over the seat but I didn’t have the strength to move.

“He’s coming around. Aya wait lie still. Don’t sit up yet.” I saw a pale hand grasp the back of the seat.

The relief of seeing a visibly shaky Aya levering himself into a sitting position was palpable.

“What…what happened?” That seemed to be the question of the day. Aya’s voice was like a balm to my wounded soul. I was so sure he’d been dead and I’d never hear it again.

“Aya lie back down. You hit your head when you fell. That guy in the doorway shot you and your vest took the impact.” Michel babbled a little frantically.

“Ken…where’s Ken? I saw…I…did he attack the bastard that shot me?” Aya slowly started to look around the vehicle then raised a hand to his head and groaned.

“Ken is here Aya. You need to take it easy. When you fell your head hit the concrete.” Michel placed his hand on Aya’s shoulder.

“Ken I need to see…I thought I heard…Is he ok?” Panic started to lace his voice and I tried to sit up to reassure him. Hands held me down and I snarled in frustration.

“Aya we’re back here. Ken is hurt and we’re taking him to the clinic.” Chloe’s hand did not let up on the pressure he kept on the makeshift bandage.

“Hurt?” Aya turned abruptly in the seat shaking free of Michel’s hands. “Oh god.” He breathed when he saw me.

“Ken! So much blood…Shit!” Aya tried to lean over the seat to get closer. There wasn’t really any room in the cramped SUV.

“Aya I’m sorry.” I gasped raspily. It hurt too much to cough even though the compulsion was there. The blood I was swallowing made my stomach cramp.

Despite Michel’s protests Aya leaned far enough to be able to touch my face. His hair had come undone from the tight braid he wore on mission. The silky strands hid his eyes. I’d once commented that I missed his long hair from years ago and he decided to grow it back out. Gone though was the artificial purplish auburn that he’d died it. I didn’t deserve his touch yet I craved it like a starving man does food. Chloe holding me in his arms with Aya leaning close made me long for something I couldn’t have any more. I closed my eyes and just drifted.

“How bad?” Aya’s distraught voice made me frown.

“Bullet hit him upper left chest. I can’t find an exit wound. He’s having trouble breathing. Aya…the bleeding won’t stop. I…I tried.” Chloe sniffled loudly and I knew he was crying again. Those tears hurt worse than the gunshot wound.

“Fuck! Chloe we’ll get him some help. God my head hurts…can’t think. Yuki is he going to the hospital?” Aya’s sharp angry voice made me cringe a little.

“Clinic Aya. We can’t risk the emergency room looking like we came from a charnel house. “They know we’re coming and I’m sure KR will make sure there’s a doctor waiting.

I forced my eyes open to look at Aya. His skin was chalk white and his eyes narrowed with either pain or anger. I’d really fucked up and earned his wrath. I tried to draw in a breath to speak but only managed a weak whisper.

“S…sorry Aya.” I’d disappointed him again.

Aya’s head whipped around when he heard my voice.

“Ken no, god no I’m not mad at you. I can’t lose you…I j...just can’t. I d...don’t know what to do. Not again I can’t go through this again.” Aya’s panicky voice and harsh breathing stunned me. He grabbed my hand and his fingers tightened painfully.

“Aya love, calm down you’re hyperventilating. We need you now. I n…need your help. Please.” Chloe begged.

“We’ll get there in time Aya. I promise.” Free’s utterly placid tone seemed to reassure everyone. Although Aya’s hand did not let go of mine and Chloe’s did not stop pressing painfully on the wound as he whispered reassurances in my ear.

“Yuki how much longer?” I heard Michel ask. His voice seemed higher and slightly hysterical.

“Almost there. Just five or so minutes.” The tires squealed and the SUV took a sharp turn. Chloe was thrown forward.

I gasped at the blindingly sharp pain and could not hold back an explosive coughing fit. Blood ran down my chin and I could not catch a breath at all. Desperate for air I tried to sit up as my hands clawed at my chest. Fuck I knew what was wrong. I’d gone through this years ago on a mission with Weiss. I’d taken a tumble down a flight of stairs and broke some ribs. The fucking bullet must have punctured a lung. Everything grew hazy and frantic shouting barely registered as I lost my tenuous hold on consciousness.

I wondered if I would cheat death a second time. I also wondered if I even wanted to.


	18. Chapter 18

Heaven bent to take my hand  
And lead me through the fire  
Be the long awaited answer  
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best  
But somewhere along the way  
I got caught up in all there was to offer  
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent  
Love was raw and young  
We believed that we could change ourselves  
The past could be undone  
But we carry on our backs the burden  
Time always reveals  
The lonely light of morning  
The wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand  
Nowhere left to turn  
I'm lost to those I thought were friends  
To everyone I know  
Oh they turned their heads embarassed  
Pretend that they don't see  
But it's one missed step  
You'll slip before you know it  
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so... 

 

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

(song suggested by Gillian. Love ya dear!)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The incessant beeping woke me from an uneasy sleep. My body felt heavy and unresponsive as I lay there with my eyes closed. The lethargy I experienced was as familiar as an old friend. Drug induced slumber had its advantages.

No pain.

No thought.

No recriminations.

I was in a place I didn’t choose to leave. But then when am I ever given a choice? Being poked and prodded made the darkness I sought unattainable. Reluctantly I tried to force my gritty eyes to open. God I was tired. I didn’t want to face everyone and see the disappointment in their eyes. The pity that I was sure would be heaped in my direction. I took a cautious breath and shuddered. Grateful that I’d not needed a breathing tube this time. It seemed as though my lung had not collapsed despite getting hit by a bullet. I’d never forget the feeling of drowning in my own blood. This time the wound hurt like a bitch but not like so long ago. It seemed like a lifetime away. Omi and I were not even together yet and my long recovery made us closer then we’d ever been before.

Cautiously I ran a hand over my heavily bandaged chest.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I dimly recalled lying on an examination table in the clinic. The doctor checking me over and telling my team that he could not treat me there. Out of necessity they’d had to leave while Dr. Price called an ambulance and reported me as the victim of a mugging. Aya protested and literally had to be dragged out of the room before they got there to pick me up. He’d placed a desperate kiss on the corner of my mouth despite the doctor’s frown. Chloe stroked my cheek once then kissed me too before exiting out the back door of the clinic.

After that things got kinda hazy and jumbled. The ride to the hospital was a blur. I tried to answer the nurse’s questions as I was whisked out of the ambulance. Being there alone brought back too many memories and I found it hard to breathe again despite the oxygen mask. On the verge of panicking I tried to sit up and claw the constricting straps off my arms.

Stranger’s voices pleaded with me to calm down. That they weren’t going to hurt me. But they weren’t the voices I longed to hear. Irrational with pain and fear I thought they’d abandoned me. I barely heard the debate going on around me. The argument from the doctors wanting to sedate me despite the dangers. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes to try and shut out all the noise and confusion. I didn’t want to be here.

“Just let me see him. I can get him to calm down.” An angry voice that I knew as well as my own had me looking frantically around the room.

“And you are?” A snappish female voice demanded.

“I’m family plus I have his medical history. Now let me see him!” Aya’s no nonsense tone had cowered lesser women than that nurse.

“Let him in. What harm can it do? I’d rather not administer any drugs until we can assess his condition.” One of the doctors tiredly answered.

There he was…oh god I was relieved to see Aya. I’d gladly take another bullet if it meant that he’d still be here. I hurt, was scared and weary and for now just wanted to see his face. I’d try and deal with all the other shit later. Even his frowning expression was a welcome sight. I tried to raise my hand when he approached the gurney. The bastards had it strapped to the metal railing. Despite that he grasped my cold hand in his and our fingers laced together.

“Ken I’m here. You have to calm down and let them treat you.” His other hand I was amazed to see shook slightly as he cupped my cheek. “Can you do that?”

All I could manage was a nod and soon I was swarming with nurses. They unstrapped my arms and pulled me away from Aya. I was transferred onto an examination table and another IV inserted into my arm. This one fed life giving red fluid back into my veins. The bandages unwound so the doctor could examine the bullet wound. I didn’t mean to but when I lost sight of Aya I started to panic again.

I knew they were seriously breaking protocol by letting a civilian in the trauma room but after one nurse moved out of the way I saw him standing against the wall by the door. His back was ramrod straight and his arms wrapped around his middle. Uncharacteristically the worry clearly etched on his face.

I locked eyes with him and mouthed. “I’m sorry.”

Aya shook his head and before I could decipher the meaning some asshole prodded the hole I had in my chest. The noise in the room faded to a dull roar and blackness closed in.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now I lay here in a drug filled stupor. The quiet but efficient attentions of the nurse ended and I wanted nothing more than to sink back down into oblivion. My eyes tried to focus on the white ceiling. I really hated the color white. Its association with hospital rooms and the representation of our name is what made it so loathsome. Weiss…like what we did could be considered pristine like the color. Killing was killing. Vigilantes above the law murdering those who society saw as unredeemable. What made us better than them?

Oh sure our targets were rapists, murderers, drug dealers and other types of scum. But they were people too. I was conditioned not to question too much or protest too strongly. Really though what other choice did I have?

Well that was not essentially true any more. In the old days Kritiker would have put down as assassin like me. Taken out the trash so to speak. I’d have become a target due to my instability. Truly I had no idea what was to happen to me now.  
I sighed and painfully turned my head to look around the room. A private room…I guess KR was footing the bill. The dim room did not hold much else than the bed I lay in, a side table, a couple of chairs and a closed door to what I assumed was the bathroom. Not that I’d need one any time soon. The slight burn of the catheter made me want to squirm uncomfortably.

Disappointment made my chest ache more than the hole from the bullet. I was alone and perhaps rightfully so. Why would Weiss want to have anything to do with me now? I’d fucked up big time. In some deep part of my mind a little voice was shrieking for me to try and get up. To flee before the men in white coats came to lock up the crazy berserker.

Laughable as that line of thinking turned out to be. I was stuck here for now. The quietness of the room, except for the various machines they had me hooked to, started to get to me. As much as I’d pushed everyone away I truly hated to be alone. Lately I did not like myself very much and with such poor company I morosely brooded. It appeared Aya rubbed off on me more than I expected. He was a champion brooder and I just didn’t have the knack.

I also had no idea what time it was or how long I’d been here. I looked around the room for a clock but all that adorned the walls were some nauseatingly cheerful scenery prints. Fuck! I hated this. Then I decided to sit up.

Big mistake!

My whole chest lit up with a fiery burning pain. My hand tangled in some of the wires and I pulled one free by accident. The heart monitor at my bedside went wild. Oh shit…

Not more than ten seconds later my room was filled with people. Well I said I hated being alone hadn’t I?

Then I was poked, prodded and yelled at all over again. It all became a blur and I just wanted them all to leave. I paid no attention what so ever to the doctor telling me not to move around too much. Well all right I heard that much before tuning him out completely. He went on and on about near misses and that I was lucky to be alive. Blah, Blah, Blah…lucky me? Yeah right.

I looked desperately around the room for something else to get my mind off the Doctor’s incessant chatter.

Then I saw them.

Aya and Chloe.

Standing right inside the door looking totally panicked. I stared. I couldn’t help myself.

It was obvious to me when the alarms went off on my heart monitor that they’d come running fearing the worst. It was gratifying to see that I hadn’t been abandoned after all.

It gave me an odd sort of satisfaction to see Aya so visibly upset. But then he’d been with me in the emergency room until I’d lost consciousness again. I could tell they wanted to be at my bedside but the room still held too many prying eyes.

I dropped my gaze first. Guilt over my actions ate at me. I deserved to be called a fool. Aya almost died because of my mistake.

Eventually the room cleared. I was left alone with my former lovers. At a total loss as to what to do. It would have been easier if they’d just leave. But when has my life ever been easy? My heart started to pound with anxiety.

What would Aya and Chloe do?

My chest started to ache horribly and I realized that I was holding my breath. I gasped as a spasm of pain radiated out from my gunshot wound. In desperation I fumbled for the little button I knew would deliver mind and body numbing drugs to my battered body.

I’d barely gotten the button pushed when they both crossed the room. Time seemed to have stood still as we waited for someone to breach the final distance.

“Ken.”

Chloe leaned over the bed and his hands rested on either side of my face. His eyes bore into mine.

“Don’t! You! Ever! Scare me like that again! I thought you were dead! I…I thought I’d lost you both!”

Chloe seemed to wilt after his harsh little speech. His hands clenched my shoulders tightly. His grip hurt and I tried not to hiss in pain. He hid his face against my neck and awkwardly I raised my hand to stroke his baby fine hair.

His gulping breaths stirred the hair at the nape of my neck and I felt moisture soaking the neck of my hospital gown. Now the crisis was averted he’d let himself fall apart. As fucked up as I was I couldn’t turn him away.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered and pulled him closer. He half lay on the bed now pressed up to my good side.

I risked a glance up at Aya. His face set in a stony mask not letting any emotion at all leak through. But his posture was too ramrod straight and the arms wrapped around his middle let me know how barely in control Aya really was. I’d had years to learn how to decipher his body language.  
He wanted to reach out to me but couldn’t bridge the final gap.

I desperately wanted him to hold me as well. To murmur reassurance in my ear that everything was going to be ok. But I knew better. This temporary reprieve was but a brief moment in my fucked up life.

Could I reach out to him instead? Could I shove all my guilt, fear and self loathing aside to take that final step?

Chloe clung to me as I tried to make a choice.

Before I even got the chance Aya’s pain filled eyes took one last long look at me.

Then he turned away and walked out of the room.

The medication started to kick in making me woozy. I reached one hand out to Aya’s retreating back.

He never saw the gesture as the door closed behind him.

“Ran…”

My tear filled exclamation got Chloe’s attention. He sat up and looked towards the door. A frown marred his pale, tired face as he sighed.

“Ken let me go and talk to him.”

“He’s made his choice. You don’t have to stay either.” I silently begged for oblivion from the pain killers. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Then a loud crash from the hallway had us both looking towards the door. It sounded as if something had fallen over and spilled with an extremely jarring clatter.

“I’ll be right back.” Chloe pressed a kiss to my slack mouth and got off the bed.

Chloe left the door open as he went out into the hallway. From my limited vantage point, half propped up in bed, I saw dirty dishes scattered and broken across the hallway floor.

Voices raised in anger disturbed the normal hushed hospital atmosphere. Something thudded into the wall beside my door and Free’s low voice penetrated the noise.

Free telling someone to calm down before he got thrown out or arrested for making a scene.

Aya.


	19. Chapter 19

Hard to believe Aya was apparently taking out his frustrations on a helpless dinner cart. I guess my rejection drove him to lash out. I made a horrible mistake hesitating to hold my hand out to him. Chloe willingly came to my arms. Aya needed more reassurance than that. I’m such a fucking idiot for making him think he was less than Chloe.

Outwardly Chloe seemed the neediest of all the attention. True he did bask in adoration. But it was Aya who actually craved reassurance and affection. Starved of it for years because he closed himself off the aloof ice prince was quite adept at hiding his feelings. I should have remembered this. Yes the years made it easier for my redhead to open up and accept the attention of others. In times of stress though he retreated back into that impenetrable shell. The fact that he lashed out in frustration told me exactly how close to the edge I’d driven him.

What truly did I have to offer them? Saddle my lovers with a dangerously insane assassin with a drinking problem? Might as well break out the straight jacket now and call me Farfarello. I shuddered when I thought about the man. About the fanatical gleam he always held in his eerie yellow eye. In our fights I seemed to be a favorite target. I wondered if he sensed the kindred spirit of a berserker lurking just below the surface.

The noise in the hallway seemed to have stopped. I wondered what had happened. I guessed that Chloe managed to get Aya calmed down enough. Either that or he’d been thrown out. As much as I wanted to stay awake and try to fix things I could feel the numbness working its way through my system. Morphine…the only good thing about being here.

I blinked sleepily as a tousled blond head poked around the edge of the doorway. Michel was here to gawk at the crazy guy.

“You might as well come in. I can see you. I’m not that far gone.” I murmured tiredly.

“K...Ken?” His uncharacteristically timid voice got my attention.

I sighed.

“Afraid of me now? Is that it? You ought to be.” I turned my face away from the doorway and closed my eyes.

“You…you ripped that guy apart. It was as if you were a totally different person. Free…he could barely get you off what was left. Then you swung at him. Turned and slashed. He blocked but it took thirty three stitches to close the wounds.” Michel’s voice was shaky and barely above a whisper. I risked a glance at him. Tears stained his cheeks and his huge blue eyes swum with them.

“So? What makes me so different from Free? Not too long ago he tried to kill us all.” Getting defensive was not the brightest of ideas but I could not help myself.

“But…but that was different. He was out of his head on the drugs they’d given him. He didn’t know who you all were. He didn’t mean to hurt any of you.” Michel was keeping his distance. As if I’d spring up and attack him too.

“You think I did? That I meant to hurt Free? Damn it Michel I didn’t know what I was doing either! Aya got shot and I lost it!” Despite the drugs I had the energy to glare at the small blond.

“Y…you came after me too. After you slashed Free he lost his grip on you. Ken if I hadn’t been yanked backward by Chloe your strike would have been a lot more serious than a slash to the arm. You need help. I tried to stay away like you wanted. But you aren’t getting any better. I’m scared.” Michel’s ragged breathing filled the room.

Fuck! I’d gone after him too? Oh god…It’s a wonder Free didn’t kill me. It’s a wonder they all didn’t just let me bleed out on the warehouse floor.

“Scared? Yeah I thought so. You were right to stay away! Who knows when I might snap again! Just go away.” I felt devastated by this bit of news. Now my own team truly could not trust me at all. What the hell do I do now?

“Ken you fucking idiot!” Michel yelled. Angrily wiping the back of his hand across his wet cheeks.

That got my attention. Michel rarely used language like that.

“I’m scared of losing you! You’re part of the only family I have left! I want to help but I don’t know how! I can’t watch you hurt yourself like this. I love you too much!” Michel was crying in earnest now. He stumbled to the end of my bed and collapsed.

He draped himself across my legs almost out of reach. His muffled sobs tore through me. I’d expected him to shy away from the loony I’d become. To be mad that I’d hurt his precious Free. I was stunned. This was similar to the scene in the gym before the mission. Michel reached out to me and I’d pushed him away. Maybe this time I could make amends for that.

Tentatively I placed my hand on top his head. I lightly stroked the golden curls. He lifted his head to look at me. His face a picture of abject misery. Michel had already lost one family in his short lifetime. To lose another would be doubly devastating.

“I’m sorry is all I seem to say anymore. But it’s all I have left. You really shouldn’t be here but I’m glad you are. I don’t see how you could ever forgive me but…thank you.” I continued to try and offer any comfort I had left to the young man clinging to my legs. His muffled sniffling ripping the hole wider in my heart.

How could I have done this to them? How could I have let things spiral so far out of control? When all was said and done there was no one to blame but myself. The question was what happened next? The small sound of a throat clearing got my attention.

Yuki stood near the bed looking awkward and uncomfortable. He would not meet my eyes.

“Michel we have to go. Mihirogi is here to talk to Ken.” Yuki reached over to place his arm around the blond’s shoulders as he sat up. He handed Michel a handful of tissues.

“Already? I don’t want to leave yet.” Michel protested.

I felt grateful that he wanted to stay. But it was time to face the consequences of my actions.

“Yuki…I…”

“I don’t want to hear it. You might have everyone else falling all over each other to forgive you but not me. You hurt Aya. I’ve never seen him like this. If you can’t get yourself together then maybe you should leave.” The sullen teen gave me such a look of utter disgust. Then he steered a still protesting Michel out of the room.

I’d now seen everyone on my team but Free. I dreaded that encounter.

The door opened yet again and there stood the woman who recruited me. She struck more fear in me than Birman and Manx combined. Business suited to within an inch of her life, glasses perched primly on her nose. She was saved from looking matronly by the fact that her skirt was slit up one side almost to her hip. Lace stockings covered her legs and her impossibly high heels clicked on the linoleum floor as she approached the bed. She brushed one stray lock of hair that escaped the bun on her head with a perfectly manicured hand. Mihirogi sat on one of the chairs beside the bed with a manila folder in her hand.

She cleared her throat and looked at me expectantly. My mouth went dry and I looked longingly at the cup of water on the table next to the bed.

The silence stretched between us. She was waiting for me to say something. Stubbornly I refused. All I wanted to do was sleep.

“Do you know what this is?” She peered at me over the top of her pince nez’s.

“I don’t know but I bet you’re going to tell me?”

Ok so being here was making me cranky. I doubt if I could take one more emotional outburst. Not that the ice queen here would unthaw enough to have one.

“Well the mission report that I have here in my hand is suspiciously light on details. Perhaps you’d like to explain?” Mihirogi sniffed as she thumbed through the folder.

“I don’t understand? We got the bad guys. We got the canisters and the money.” Chloe and Aya didn’t tell KR about the disastrous mission that nearly got him killed. Why? I figured at least Free would have spilled the beans.  
“You almost died. Aya has a concussion and severe contusions where his vest stopped a bullet. Free ended up with a curiously slashed arm as well. What happened?” She just sat and stared. I felt like a bug under a microscope.

“You want to know what happened? Fine I’ll tell you!”

What spilled from my lips was a brutal account of what could've been my last mission. I didn't spare myself in the least. I'm sure my voice was laced with self loathing and disgust. When I finshed and lay back even more exhausted the only noises in the room were the beeps and hums of all the equipment I was hooked up to.

"I…I don't quite know what to say Ken." Amazing I appear to have cracked her composure.

"Heh…at least you won't have me killed. Although I wouldn't blame you." I closed my eyes and waited for the axe to fall.

"You of course are taken off active duty for the foreseeable future. Your weapons will be confiscated and after I consult with KR then we'll decide what to do. I need to talk to Chloe and Aya. It appears they've been keeping some very important information from me. You are not to leave this room under any circumstances. Is that understood?" I heard the chair scrape across the floor and the sound of Mihirogi's heels on the linoleum.

"Yeah whatever. Not like it's going to change anything." Now more than ever I felt the pull of the drugs and happily I succumbed. I never heard her leave.

Time passes strangely when you're drugged to the gills. The room was dark when I awoke. I had not idea what time of even what day it was. The blinds were drawn and the room silent. The private wing of the hospital I was on even added to the isolation. I could hear no outside noises and it made the room seem downright creepy. Even worse I didn't seem to be alone.

A large shadow detached itself from the wall and stalked silently towards the bed. My mind, hazy from the medications, leapt to the conclusion that I was right. I was to be put down like a rabid dog. Especially when a hand shot out to grip my throat. Lightly squeezing I could still breathe but my hands gripping the thick wrists couldn't break the iron hold.

"Lie still and listen to what I have to say."

"F…Free?" I rasped.

"You are a fool. I warned you to get some help. That if you didn't grief and sorrow would follow. Your stubbornness almost cost all of us our lives. You are lucky that you made it. I was sure that you'd be a casualty. That Aya would also lose his life. That those actions would devastate the rest of us." In the dim light filtering into the room Free's face took on an eerie glow.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"No you're not. You are a selfish, blind idiot! Sorry would have had you doing anything to get help. Not stumbling unstably through that nearly disastrous mission. Accept what has been offered. Accept some support from those that love you before it is too late." Then Free's hand tightened and I tried to gasp.

"One last thing. If you ever raise a hand to Michel again, berserk or not I will take you apart." Then he released me and I lay there frozen.

I watched him walk to the door and hesitate there.

"You can get better if you want to badly enough." Then he was gone.

Alone I desperately pressed the button to release more morphine. Eventually the room blurred…I had no idea if it was from the drugs or my own tears.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: More angst.....(not sorry)

‘Tragic visions slowly stole my life  
Tore away everything  
Cheating me out of my time  
I'm the one who loves you  
No matter wrong or right  
And every day I hold you  
I hold you with my inner child

I need serenity  
In a place where I can hide  
I need serenity  
Nothing changes, days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know  
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold  
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing  
And when will we learn to control

 

I need serenity.’

Serenity by Godsmack

 

I really hated the heavy limbed confusion that pain killers left behind. Though at the moment the annoying side effects could be ignored for the good they were doing. I just wanted to lie here in a daze. Forget about my fucked up life.

I was tired.

Tired of dealing with all the pitying looks, the hushed conversations. The carefully worded reminders to take my medications. To stay in bed and not wander off. Like I was a five year old that needed constant supervision. I’m amazed that they didn’t strap me down to the bed.

Four days I’ve been cooped up in this room. I’d think I was going mad from boredom if I was not already nuts. Michel came to visit me as often as school and his duties at the shop let him. Yuki avoided me like the plague. Free would sit and calmly read pretending as if his very presence would keep me content.

Chloe…well Chloe was here every day. He would bring me magazines and my favorite snacks. He would dole out affection as if it was a duty and not something he spontaneously decided. I was treated like spun glass and it pissed me off. My body still eagerly responded to his kisses and caresses. While my mind wandered elsewhere.

My mind just wouldn’t shut down. I constantly examined what happened. Why I reacted the way I did, what caused my melt down all together. I’d never really dealt with all the shit my life had thrown at me. I’d just buried it deep. Just waiting for a catalyst to set it all free. And it had…in spades.

Conspicuous by his absence was Aya. I guess he was finally sick of the sight of me.

I hated the night the most. After visiting hours when things went quiet and I was left to my own devices. It would be so easy to just slip away and lose myself. To walk out and never look back. What use was I anymore?

Out of desperation I turned the TV on to break the silence. Idly I flicked from channel to channel not really caring what was shown. I didn’t want to sleep for it brought dreams that were glaringly out of proportion. My faults and traumas magnified. Yet waking brought no peace either. Events ran together until I couldn’t tell what was real any more or images conjured from my disturbed mind. I had nothing to ground me. Nothing cohesive to help me hold it all together.

I began to think Yohji had been right.

To have it all wiped away.

To be made whole.

Guiltless and free…was it worth the price? My salvation?

I must have dozed off because an odd noise woke me. I stiffened in alarm when I realized I wasn’t alone in the room. Careful not to move too much I cautiously opened my eyes. It took them a moment to adjust to the dim light.

I saw a person sitting next to my bed. A red headed person. They were slumped over onto the mattress near me and I became aware of a hand grasping mine.

Aya

Even in sleep I could feel the tension in his hand as it held on tightly. I gave in to the urge to stroke the loosely braided hair. Even though the movement pulled my stitches I needed to touch him. The feeling of fingers in Aya’s hair must have startled him because he lifted his head and sleepy violet eyes blinked at me.

“Hi.” I could not think of anything else to say.

“I’m sorry did I wake you?” Aya’s sleep roughened voice sounded worn out. Even in the shadows of the room I could make out the dark circles under his eyes.

“Can’t sleep much in this place.” I said quietly. I didn’t want anyone coming in and chasing Aya away.

“I…I wanted to come sooner but they wouldn’t let me. I missed you Ken.” Aya brought my hand to his mouth and his lips lightly grazed my knuckles.

I felt so awkward around him. I didn’t know what to say. What he was expecting me to say. So I just told him the truth.

“I want to go home.” I whispered.

“I know. I talked to Chloe and the doctors say you can be released tomorrow if your check-up comes out ok.” Aya brushed the hair off my forehead and trailed his fingers down the side of my face.

“I’m sorry.” Another inadequate statement but a true one.

Aya laid his finger across my lips.

“Shhhh…lets not get into that now. I just want to be here with you. Is that all right?” He searched my face I guess he was waiting for me to tell him no.

“I’d like that.” I swallowed thickly. I could feel tears gathering in my eyes. This was an almost perfect moment in my fucked up world and I was so afraid of ruining it.

Aya brushed at the tears on my lashes with a trembling hand. His eyes intent on mine.

“Don’t leave me. Even if I fall asleep.” I was still tired and fighting it. The pill they’d given me earlier made me drowsy. But drifting off alone held no appeal. There was no solace to be had in my dreams anymore.

“I’ll stay. For as long as they let me.” Aya got up and carefully sat on the edge of the bed.

I shifted over as far as I could and Aya lay down next to me. It was a tight squeeze and he had to be careful not to disturb any thing they still had me hooked up to. I lost track of the things I was shot full of or what was in the IV bags. There was always the risk of Pneumonia and infection. Been there done that…don’t ever want to go through it again.

It surprised me that Aya was being…well clingy. He’d changed over the years but still gave off this vaguely unapproachable aura. Aya slid his one arm under my shoulders and I turned slightly towards him. Aya lay on my unwounded side and as I placed my head on his chest his heartbeat was incredibly soothing.

I closed my eyes as Aya’s fingers sifted through my hair. I felt a kiss brush my temple as I heard him whisper for me to sleep. Any nurses coming in would probably have a fit when they saw us. But I didn’t care. With Aya now guarding my dreams I finally felt as if I could get some rest.

Tomorrow would come all too soon. With it all the problems and worry that plagued my life. 

But for right now I didn’t care. I was content in his arms and I found some small amount of peace at last.

************************************************************************  
The sharp crack of a gun and Aya was falling to the pitted concrete floor. Blood blossomed bright on his chest as his hands clenched the wound; trying to stem the flow that soaked his coat. 

I yelled in horror and tried to reach his side.

Grasping hands held me back as I struggled and screamed. I couldn’t get loose. I couldn’t stop Aya’s once vivid amethyst eyes from going cloudy and dim.

I couldn’t breathe…

“Ken…Shhh…its ok. Please wake up. Ken you’ve got to calm down.” I heard a voice pleading.

I tried to sit up. I tried to struggle out of the arms that held me pinned.

My eyes snapped open and I blinked into the muted light. I gasped and tried to get a full breath past the knot of agony in my chest.

Fuck another nightmare. Only Aya died in this one. It was worse than the others I’d had so far. My heart raced and I felt sick. I glanced wildly around and focused on Chloe’s concerned face as he leaned over me on the bed.

“Aya where’s Aya!” He was no longer with me in the bed.

“Aya? He was here?” Chloe frowned as he tried to get me to lie still.

“Yeah he came in last night…stayed with me.” I coughed and it hurt like a bitch.

“Are you sure? Maybe it was part of your dream.” Chloe let go of my arms as I collapsed back on the bed.

“I…I think he was here. We talked and Aya just wanted to be with me for a while. He said he’d stay…damn it he promised.” Was Aya really in my room last night? Or was it part of my confused imagination? 

I turned my head to look at where he’d lain last night. I squinted and noticed a long red hair caught on the edge of the sheet. I breathed a sigh of relief to see some evidence of his visit. I plucked the vivid strand and held it out to Chloe.

“I guess he was here last night. Not that I’d know.” Chloe said with a shake of his head.

“What do you mean?” I rasped. My throat raw from the coughing.

Chloe grabbed a glass of water off the bedside table and offered me a drink. I held the straw between my lips and sipped gratefully. He took the empty cup away when I was finished and grabbed my hand in his.

It was then I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the air of fatigue he carried. I hadn’t really taken the time to look at him closely lately. This was taking a heavy toll on all of us. My illness was driving us apart.

“Aya rarely spends any time at all with me. He’s always up at the castle. Always looking for information…checking mission reports. I barely…oh hell.” Chloe trailed off and pressed his lips together as he rubbed his forehead.

“Wait a minute. What mission? What’s going on Chloe.” I recognized that look on Chloe’s face. It meant he’d let something slip.

“Damn I swore I wouldn’t tell.” Chloe bit his lip and would not meet my eyes.

I grabbed the remote for the bed and placed it as far upright as it would go. Lying flat on my back was making me feel ridiculously inferior. Despite the ache it caused I grabbed Chloe’s sleeves and yanked him closer until his face was inches from mine. He could not avoid my gaze. He couldn’t pull away either…not if he didn’t want to hurt me.

“Tell me Chloe. Please. Where is Aya?” I had a very bad feeling about this.

“Fine. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep this from you. I hate secrets. You know how stubborn Aya is. He’s impossible to deal with especially since…” Chloe hesitated again and I wanted to strangle him.

“Rutledge got away ok? Aya is looking for him. I tried to stop him but he’s not listening to anybody. I can’t believe KR would let him go off half cocked like that.” Chloe sighed.

I scrambled to remember that name. It was familiar…who? Oh crap…that guy. The man who had been our initial target right before everything had gone to hell. Now Aya was hunting the man he thought was responsible for this whole mess…and he was doing it alone.

Fuck!

This was the Aya I hoped would not resurface. The man driven by revenge. The fact that he was out there on my account caused a huge weight of guilt to settle on my shoulders. Aya ought to be mad at me. Not at the man who’d been the focus of our mission.

“How could you let him do that? What if he gets caught or killed? KR is sanctioning this?” I spat angrily.

“How was I supposed to stop him? Chain him to the bed? You should know better than anyone what Aya is like when he gets obsessed with something. I’m going crazy trying to manage you both. KR had little choice either. Aya would have gone with or without his permission. This way KR keeps a little of the control.” Chloe’s voice rose along with his frustration level.

“Shit! Maybe you should have chained him up. You didn’t know him back then…what he was like. What a temper Aya had. Calm people do not fling katanas at helicopters.” I really hoped Aya would not lose control that badly.

“What? He did that?” Chloe’s disbelieving expression prompted me to tell him the whole story.

After I finished Chloe still looked at me like he thought I’d made the whole thing up. A horrible thought crossed my mind.

“Aya went after Rutledge today didn’t he?” That was the reason for Aya’s surprise visit last night. Holy hell it felt too much like goodbye.

“Yuki finally located the bastard. Rutledge used one of his credit cards and Yuki was able to trace him to a Hotel in London. Rutledge also purchased some plane tickets for Barcelona. He was leaving at midnight. Free wanted to go with him to the hotel but Aya refused. I wanted to go with him too. Aya said it would look less suspicious if he went in alone.” Chloe slumped in the chair next to the bed after I let him go.

“I want out of here now. Check me out of this place. I’m leaving no matter what.” I started picking at the tape that held my IV in place.

“But you can’t Ken. What about the doctor?” Chloe tried to stop me as I grasped the IV tube. I batted his hands away.

“Now Chloe. Fuck the doctors and fuck this hospital.” I removed the IV with a yank that made Chloe wince. 

Then I threw back the covers and levered myself to my feet. Shakily I stood as my lover hovered over me as if expecting me to fall.

“All right. Wait here and I’ll go and get someone.” Chloe sighed as he placed a short kiss on my lips. 

He took one last look at me as I leaned against the bed before he went to find someone to get me the hell out of here.

I had no clue what I was going to do. All I knew was that I couldn’t sit here while Aya was out there hell bent on revenge on my behalf. I grabbed a wad of tissues and pressed them to the bleeding needle mark on my hand. Hissing at the sharp sting it helped me to ignore the various other deep aches and pains. Impatiently I made my way to the small cabinet and looked inside. My shoes and jacket lay inside but no other clothes were present. I’d walk out of here naked if I had to. I was not staying in this place another night.

I prayed Aya would be all right as Chloe returned with a frowning doctor in tow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Before the Doctor could even open his mouth I got right in his face.

“I want to leave now. Sign me out.” I did my best to stand up straight. I didn’t want to give them any reason to keep me here.

“Mr. Hidaka surely you realize that a wound of this nature requires careful tending. There could be infection or you could develop pneumonia. I can’t with any clear conscience release you for at least another two days. Your persistent cough has me concerned.” The doctor took a step back when I snarled.

Chloe put his hands on my shoulders and got between us.

“Ken this isn’t helping.” Chloe hissed from between clenched teeth.

“I don’t care. Get me some fucking clothes. I’m leaving in five minutes with or without you.” The need to leave, to find out if Aya was ok was overwhelming. I didn’t trust them not to keep information from me.

“Fine but if you collapse I am not picking your ass up off the floor.” Chloe stomped out of the room. Right before he got to the door he turned and added. “Play nice with the doctor Ken. He has to be the one to sign you out. If you punch him you’ll end up in the lockdown ward. Then I’ll at least know where you are.”

“Fine! All right! Just get me some clothes.” I Leaned against the wardrobe and glanced at the doctor apprehensively.

“Now Mr. Hidaka I need to check the wound. If you would not mind sitting down I can take a quick peek. I’ll need to listen to your chest as well. Are you going to cooperate or do I have to call a nurse?” The Doctor’s voice shook a little. I had him rattled. Any false move from me and he’d call Attila the Nurse. The only place I wanted to meet him again was in my nightmares.

I nodded and sat gingerly on the bed.

He untied my hated hospital gown and noted the pained hiss as I removed my arm from the sleeve. I stoically endured the poking, prodding and questions. Until barely satisfied the doctor removed the stethoscope from his ears. 

“You appear to be mending well. There is some wheezing from the affected lung but that should clear with the antibiotics I’m going to prescribe. You will take them all and have some one change the dressing on your wounds twice a day. I’ll also give you an ointment to rub onto stitches. There is really nothing I can do to keep you here. If you show any sign of a fever or if that cough worsens come back immediately or get your own doctor to see you. Now get out of my hospital.” The doctor gathered his supplies and left the room muttering about no more favors for Richard Krypton.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Then let out the cough I’d been holding in. It wasn’t too bad. Nothing like the wrenching, fluid wracked hacking I’d done last time I’d had my lung punctured. Still weak though I sagged onto the bed and waited for Chloe to return.

I had to know what was going on with Aya. If he got hurt because of me I’d never forgive myself. I cursed the weakness that kept me clinging to the bed. Despite that I felt a burning need to be there. I was also surprised Chloe was here with me instead of at Aya’s side. Or at least providing back-up. That made me slightly angry. He should be helping Aya not mother henning me.

I was tired and leaned against the headboard half asleep when I hear the door open. Chloe came into the room and I opened my eyes. He carried a plastic bag with the hospital gift shop logo.

“This was the best I could get.” Chloe remarked unapologetically as he placed the clothes on the bed. It was a sweat suit in an eye searing shade of purple.

I glared at the offending garments. I half suspected Chloe picked them out on purpose. He stood there looking at me and I could not meet his eyes. I scooted to the edge of the bed and stripped out of the hospital gown. I threw it on the floor glad to be rid of it.

I couldn’t stop the groan of pain as I raised my arm to pull the sweatshirt over my head. I jumped when I felt hands lifting the shirt and dragging it over my head.

Chloe…I guess he decided to help me get dressed. I felt a surge of annoyance until I heard his soft voice.

“Let me help Ken. Please?”

How could I refuse? Chloe was being so accommodating. Even though he had no cause to be. I let him get the shirt settled and then he knelt at my feet and pulled the sweat pants up my legs so I wouldn’t have to bend over.

Chloe’s hand smoothed my hair and really felt awful for snapping earlier. “You doing ok?”

Was I? Everything hurt but that was secondary to me getting the hell out of here. I’d had enough of this place. I needed to know Aya was all right.

“Yeah…let’s just go ok?” I managed to get to my feet and slid into a pair of cheap slippers. I frowned at the waiting wheelchair.

Chloe noticed and was quick to reply. “You have to Ken its hospital policy. They might not let you go if you start bitching.” The edge was back in his voice.

“Fine, fine I’ll do it.” I huffed and plopped down in the uncomfortable seat. Determined not to make a sound when my injuries protested the abrupt movement.

I caught Chloe shaking his head and heard the exasperated sigh. Nevertheless he took the handles and wheeled me out into the hallway. The ride down to the parking garage seemed to take forever. I breathed a sigh of relief when we exited the elevator and there was Chloe’s car parked in the first spot.

I couldn’t get out of that chair fast enough. I waited while Chloe placed the paper bag with my stuff from the hospital room in the trunk. Leaning against the car I tapped window impatiently. I wondered where Aya was. What he was doing and that I wasn’t there to back him up. Though I had no right to be…He’d probably never trust me to watch his back ever again. I had to prove I could.

“Ken…KEN!” I started at the loud voice.

“WHAT!?” I yelled surprised that I’d been caught with my mind wandering.

“The door’s unlocked. You can get in. Unless you need some help.” Chloe looked at me over the roof of the Jag. Assessing my condition no doubt.

“I’m fine.” I muttered and opened the door. I dropped into the custom leather seat then reached over to grab the door handle and cursed. A muscle spasm radiated out from my shoulder and my hand cradled the wound.

“You’re not fine. You should have stayed in the hospital.” Despite Chloe’s worried tone I snapped back at him.

“I am not going back in there! Just shut the fucking door and take me home.” I barely managed to get the seat belt fastened and then sat hunched over in the seat. I hated this! I hated feeling so damned helpless.

Chloe shut my door and got back in the car. He buckled his seat belt and started the engine. He gunned the motor and took off. For him to treat his baby so callously he had to be pissed. I cursed again as the car nearly bottomed out when we got to the street level. The jolt sent another wave of pain through my shoulder.

Damn it couldn’t he see that I needed to get out of there? Did he have to be so difficult?

The ride home was full of uncomfortable silence. We made one stop at a pharmacy to get my prescriptions filled. I sat in the car while Chloe went inside. I tried calling the shop with Chloe’s cell phone. There was no answer and that nearly panicked me. It seemed like forever before my blond lover returned to the car.

“Where is everyone? Why aren’t they answering?” I accused as I tossed the phone back into the center console.

Chloe dropped a small paper bag in my lap and sighed. “Yuki is in class, Free and Michel are providing back up for Aya. They are waiting for him to signal the job is done and they’ll make sure he has a clear way out. Anything else? Or can we go? I really want to get you home before I say something I’ll regret.”

The rest of the ride back was filled with more silence. I really couldn’t think of anything else to say. Chloe stared out the windshield and concentrated on the road ahead. The early evening traffic was heavy and by the set of his jaw I knew he was pissed.

I wanted to continue the fight. I wanted to yell, scream and hit something. I had all this anger inside and no where for it to go. It was goading me to do something…to do anything.

So I just sat and clenched my fists over and over in my lap.

The quiet became intolerable and I drummed my fingers on the arm rest. I was aware that the noise was getting on Chloe’s nerves. I didn’t care. The car slowed and I looked out the window. We were home at last. Chloe hit the button on the dash to open the garage doors and I was opening my door almost before he pulled the Jag to a complete stop.

Not waiting for Chloe I levered myself out of the car ignoring the burning ache in my chest. I went into the house and made my way to the stairs. Leaning heavily on the banister I took the steps as quickly as I was able.

Despite being light headed and out of breath I didn’t stop until I made it all the way to my room. I could hear Chloe following behind me but didn’t acknowledge his presence. I held onto my shoulder hoping to ease the fierce ache as I started to dig through the wardrobe for some clothes.

Chloe’s hand on one of the drawers stopped my digging.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing Ken?” Chloe’s other hand gripped my wrist.

“I’m going to get dressed and find Aya. Where is the mission going down Chloe?” I shrugged off his hand and grabbed a pair of jeans and a grey thermal t-shirt.

“No you’re not. KR has you off active status remember?” Chloe’s tone sounded forced and I knew he was gritting his teeth.

“I don’t care. Now tell me where the fuck it’s going down Chloe.” I threw the clothes on the bed and glanced around the room looking for my boots. 

“The only place you are going is straight to bed. You forget I’m mission leader here and you will follow my orders.” Chloe stepped in front of me. His brows were drawn down in a frown and his eyes practically sparked with anger.

“Fuck you! If you won’t tell me I’ll get the information from the mission room. Now where the hell are my claws?” I tried to get past him but Chloe just stayed blocking my way.

“No! You’re not going! You’re not going to barge in and screw everything up. You’re not going to get Aya…” Chloe yelled then hesitated.

“Not going to get Aya what? Get him killed this time? Fuck up the mission? Screw every damn thing up I touch?!” I was shrieking. Pushing Chloe back with each angry word I flung in his face.

He’d had enough. Before I could even take another step Chloe grabbed me roughly and slammed me hard against the wall beside the door.

“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!” Chloe screamed back.

Then the pain hit.

Like a jackhammer it dropped me to my knees. Agonizing and hot. Waves radiated out from the bullet’s exit wound across my chest and down my arm. I couldn’t catch my breath. I wheezed, choked and then started to cough. I wrapped my arms around my torso in an attempt to hold off the fit.

Chloe sank to his knees and gathered me in his arms. “Oh god, oh fuck…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Baby please just try and breathe. 

His hands gently rubbed circles on my back avoiding the bandaged area. I lay there unable to force but a little air in each time I hacked. Spots danced before my eyes and my vision went white. I honestly thought I was going to pass out.

With one last dizzying cough I was able to get some much needed air. Pain still thrummed through me in time with my pulse and I lay totally limp against Chloe as he anxiously petted my hair. His pleading and whispered endearments made me realize that he had been trying to stop me for my own good.

I’d been the one to push and push until Chloe finally snapped.

I felt a kiss brush my temple as his repeated apologies sunk in. It was not his fault. Chloe was only trying to help and I’d acted like an utter shit. This weakness scared me...I was too drained to move.

“Chloe…” I rasped. “Mmm…sorry. My fault I acted like an ass.” I looked up into his tear streaked face and felt like crying too. This was so fucked up. I was so messed up and I didn’t know what to do. 

I wanted this all to go away. I wanted Aya. I wanted both of them to hold me and tell me it was all going to get better.

Even if it was a lie.


	21. Chapter 21

So here I sat on the floor with Chloe’s arms wrapped around me. Breathing still hurt like a bitch and my nose was stopped up. My eyes watering still from the coughing fit. I must look as bad as I felt if the way Chloe was watching me was any indication.

“You need to get off the floor Ken. It isn’t good for your injuries.” Chloe brushed the hair out of my eyes as I looked up at him. Even tear streaked his face was beautiful.

“Can’t. Too tired.” I closed my eyes and sighed. The thought of moving made me cringe.

“I’ll help. Come on up you go.” Chloe gracefully got to his feet and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Shit! Ow! God damn it that hurts!” I hissed as he levered me to my feet. I leaned against Chloe as a dizzy spell made me stagger.

“Sorry…sorry… here just hang on as I get you into bed.” Only a few steps away it felt like a mile. Chloe mostly carried me to the large four poster. He carefully lowered me to the mattress.

“Jeez please tell me there are pain pills in that bag.” I held my hand protectively over the bandage on my chest.

“Yes and they’re strong ones. I’ll be right back.” Chloe bent and placed a light kiss on my lips. Then he disappeared into the bathroom. I could tell he was still nervous after slamming me into the wall.

I wasn’t going to fight with him any more. I was just too tired. I worried about Aya, about him losing control in his quest for vengeance. Even now his temper and lack of self control while going after an enemy that personally hurt us was as strong as it had been years ago. I guess that is one thing we do have in common. Although my style of revenge tended to be a lot messier.

Aya should have checked in by now. Chloe should have called on the mission status. How the hell could I just sit here not knowing anything? I grabbed onto the bed post and was just pushing to my feet when Chloe came back into the room. He carried a glass of water and a pill bottle.  
“What are you doing?” Chloe frowned at me.

This was as far as I could go. My body simply refused to obey my wish to leave and make sure Aya was ok. I slowly sank back down onto the bed.  
“Nothing apparently. Chloe you should have heard something by now. Where is Aya?” I could not keep the hint of panic out of my voice.  
Chloe set the glass on the bedside table and handed me two pills. I took them gratefully and washed them down with the cool liquid in the cup he handed me after.

“If you promise to get into bed and stay there I’ll go and check. Promise me Ken. I’m not leaving this room just to come back and find you passed out on the floor.” Chloe frowned at me like I was some naughty little kid.

I should have resented the treatment but he was right.

“Fine but just go and check ok? Please?” I guess I whined.

It was a testament to how weak I sounded by the speed with which Chloe pulled back the covers. I carefully lay down and reclined onto the stack of pillows he’d piled at my back. I hated lying this way. I preferred sleeping on my side. But that made it hard to breathe so I just had to deal with it. Once the covers were pulled to my chin Chloe brushed my cheek with his hand.

“I really am sorry I hurt you.” Chloe whispered in the dim room.

“It’s nothing less than I deserve for treating you both the way I have.” I sighed tiredly. Still desperately worried about Aya I looked anxiously toward the doorway.

“Ken no…no one deserves to be treated like that. I lost my temper and took it out on you. When you were injured and stressed out. I could have really hurt you.” His fingers gently grasped my chin and turned my head to face him.

“But I’ve put you through so much. Both of you. I just need Aya right now too. Pease go check.” I was getting sleepy but I needed to stay awake until I knew something.

“All right. I’ll be right back.” Chloe tenderly brushed my lips with the barest of kisses then left the room.

Apprehensively I stared into the deepening gloom. The light from the bedside lamp did nothing to chase away the shadows that lurked in the corners. I really didn’t want to be alone right now. My big bed felt like the loneliest place in the world.

The pain from the shove into the wall started to melt away and I yawned. Chloe wasn’t kidding when he said those pills were powerful. Hopefully I wouldn’t need to take many more of them. It made me uncomfortable after what I’d nearly done not too long ago.

Fighting to stay awake I waited…

“Ken? Baby…wake up. Just for a minute.”

I flinched and jumped a little at the voice. I must have fallen asleep despite my resolve not to. My head felt stuffed full of cotton and it was hard to focus. Chloe sat on the edge of the bed.

“Wha? What happened? Aya?” My voice grated in my ears. Pain pills…they were the worst for a terminal case of dry mouth.

Chloe held out my water glass and I greedily gulped the contents. He put the cup down and brushed my bangs out of my eyes. I really needed to get them cut. Man…my mind was really wandering.

“Aya?” I repeated.

“They’re all fine Ken. Aya is in position waiting for the target to show. KR made Aya use the rest of the team. I don’t know how he managed or what he threatened to do but Aya listened to him. Free is backing him up, Michel has the con. Yuki joined them and is waiting in the SUV. Michel promises to call when they are on their way back. Ok?” Chloe’s hand drifted down my cheek onto my neck and then lightly stroked the blanket covering the bandages on my chest.

I knew Chloe’s constant petting was his way of reassuring himself I was ok. I didn’t mind. The light touches felt good and soothing.

“Aya’s going to be ok right? They’ll keep an eye on him?” Chloe and the others really had no idea what Aya could be like.

“Yes Ken, Free will make sure.” Chloe murmured.

“Tired…so fucking tired.” I yawned again.

“Sleep Ken. You need to heal.” Chloe continued to touch me as he spoke.

“Promise me you’ll wake me when you hear anything?” I fought to keep my eyes open.

“I promise Ken. Now get some rest.” Chloe sighed and laced his fingers with mine.

“Stay please? I don’t want to be alone. I can’t…face that right now.” Being alone with my demons scared me. I needed someone to help chase the dreams away.

“Of course. I love you and promise not to leave you alone.” Chloe took his hand away from mine and immediately I felt the loss.  
I hated being so weak and dependent. But I just couldn’t cope anymore. Not by myself.

Chloe stripped out of his jeans and sweater. He laid them neatly on the chair. He must have taken his shoes off earlier. Now just wearing his briefs and socks he climbed into bed with me. Careful not to jostle my sore shoulder. Chloe pulled the covers up over both of us and wrapped me in his arms.

I hadn’t even realized I was cold until I felt the warmth of his body pressed so closely. I sighed and finally let my eyes close. Unable to stop the words as I felt the drugged sleep take hold I whispered.

“Don’t leave me.”

Before I even heard any reply I was out.


	22. Chapter 22

I can’t say for sure what woke me up. It was hard to get my brain to make sense out of whatever managed to break through my drugged haze. I lay there with my eyes closed just listening.

The soft sounds of Chloe breathing beside me had not been enough to wake me. If at all possible he was even deeper asleep than I’d been. It was not hard to miss, even in the dim light, the dark smudges under his eyes. Chloe obviously left the bedside lamp on. I’d developed a problem with the dark. It tended to send me into a panic. He remembered and that small gesture made me ache for what I’d put him through.

A muffled thump from the floor below got my attention. Alert now I debated for a moment about waking the blond sleeping next to me. I didn’t have the heart to disturb him. I was just about to pull back the covers and try to get out of bed when I heard soft footsteps coming up the stairs.

I froze.

The first threads of alarm began to creep in when a hushed voice got my attention. I’d recognize that light tenor anywhere. 

Michel…and the slightly deeper voice that answered was obviously Yuki.

I quickly settled back in bed and feigned sleep as they stopped right outside the door.

“Shhhh…quiet. I bet he’s sleeping.” The door opened slightly and Michel poked his head in. I watched from beneath mostly closed eyes.

“Well Chloe’s in here too. Which would explain why he didn’t answer his cell phone.” Yuki’s head poked into the room too.

“Where’d Aya go? He’s not in here.” Michel asked Yuki in a hushed whisper.

“He’s probably in his own room. In the shower I’d guess. Come on I’m beat. Let’s head to bed.” Yuki replied as he left the doorway.

Michel softly closed the door and the noises of their feet retreated back down to the second floor.

Obviously the mission was a success.

I felt a burning need to see my other lover.

Carefully I peeled back the covers and slowly got out of bed. The pills I’d taken made me very shaky. Chloe didn’t even stir as I pulled the covers back up to his chin. So exhausted that he simply murmured quietly in his sleep and scooted into the warm spot left by my body.

I grabbed onto the bed post and shivered a little in the chill of the room. Using the furniture as props I made my way painfully to the door. The hallway was dark and I used the wall to steady myself as I headed for Aya’s room. I was surprised to see the door was slightly open and a thin sliver of light spilled out into the hall.

Not sure what I’d find I carefully pushed the door open. A small lamp on the dresser barely pierced the darkness of the room. Silhouetted in light Aya sat on the bed. He still wore his mission coat and his Katana lay unsheathed across his knees. I could see the dark stains along the blade as my lover stared at the spattered steel.

This was not good.

Usually meticulous about its maintenance Aya was always careful to thoroughly clean his beloved katana. Now he just sat with his head bowed. Not moving…barely even breathing. His long hair had slipped over one shoulder obscuring his face. The hand I could see gripped the hilt tightly. I don’t even think he knew I was there.

“Go to bed Ken.” Aya’s voice was flat and emotionless. Silly of me to think he would not notice me gawking in the doorway.

“No I can’t.” Was all I could think to say. Everything else got stuck behind the enormous lump in my throat.

“You are supposed to still be in the hospital. How did you get them to release you?” Aya’s monotone was creepy.

“Chloe brought me. I wanted to come home.” I edged into the room until I was standing at the foot of the bed.

“Just go Ken.” Aya’s voice shook ever so slightly. Someone who was not used to his every tone and inflection would have missed it.

“I had to see you. I wanted to make sure you were all right.” I sat gingerly on the bed about a foot away from my lover. I could see that his coat was liberally splattered too. 

Aya’s mirthless laugh caught me totally off guard.

“All right? You want to know if I’m all right?” Aya abruptly stood. I flinched away from him.

This time Aya’s voice held a manic taint I hadn’t heard since Reiji Takatori. He paced in the small confines of the room then suddenly flung his sword away. It hit the wall leaving a sizable dent in the plaster. It dropped to the floor as Aya sank back down onto the bed. His head was in his hands and he was shaking.

“Aya? I’m…I’m sorry.” I reached out to tentatively touch him but pulled back my hand.

Aya laughed again.

“You know what? I killed him. Sliced his fucking throat. It didn’t help. Killing doesn’t bring anyone back. Doesn’t fix anything. Nothing’s changed. He’s dead and my life is still a mess. What am I supposed to do? I just don’t know anymore.” Aya raked his hair back with trembling fingers.

“I don’t know what to say.” I reached out again and Aya shrugged my hand off his shoulder.

“How about telling me its going to be ok? How about trying to convince me this has all been some bad dream I’m going to wake up from? Come on lie to me! Tell me you’re going to be ok. That we’re going to be ok. Because I’m tired Ken. Tired of fighting so damn hard to keep everything together.” Aya got back up and began to pace.

Hissing at my sore back I carefully got to my feet. I got right in front of Aya forcing him to stop. “I can’t do that Aya. I don’t have the answers you want.”

Anxiety burned the haze of drugs out of my system. The aches and pains settled into one big throbbing burn. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed.

“Then where do we go from here?” Aya’s defeated tone seemed to drain the restless anger right out of him.

I grabbed at Aya’s coat partly to try and give any comfort I could and partly to keep myself on my feet. 

“Let go Ken. I need to get out of here. I need to think a while.” Aya tried to brush past me. 

I stumbled and caught myself on the edge of the bed. I fell awkwardly when my hand slid on the duvet and I landed right on my sore side. I sucked in a lung full of air and started to cough. Fuck! Not now! I curled up trying to lessen the painful spasms. This was not one of my better days. Lying curled on the bed coughing my lungs out was not the way I wanted Chloe to find me.

I heard Chloe’s shout when he came into the room. Then I felt a hand stroking my back. I just concentrated on getting enough air to clear the spots from in front of my eyes.

“What did you do to him?” Chloe yelled angrily.

“I just wanted to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?” Aya replied in a cold voice.

“You thought you’d get your way by what? Making him cough himself to death?” Chloe fired back.

The hands rubbing up and down my spine stopped. The coughing finally started to ease and I just lay there gasping. Listening to them argue was breaking what was left of my heart into little tiny pieces.

“Stop…please just stop it.” I rasped out.

“Ken we need to get you back to bed. Before you hurt yourself. Come on I’ll help.” Chloe put his arms around me and helped me to sit up.

I glanced over at Aya. His back was ramrod stiff as he stared out the window. I couldn’t leave him like this. His icy impenetrable armor would soon be back in place around his emotions and he’d freeze the both of us out.

Stiffly, painfully, I got to my feet. Despite Chloe’s protests I walked over to Aya and got between him and the window. Ignoring his stained coat I placed my arms around him. Aya tried to pull away but I hung on tighter. He was rigid in my arms and vibrating with tension.

 

“Don’t…don’t pull away. Please. I...I know I’ve fucked everything up. I’ve made the both of you so mad at me. But…I can’t do this without you. We’ve been through so much together.” Despite feeling like I could collapse at any moment I didn’t let go.

I saw Chloe across the room staring at us. He looked so sad at that moment. I realized he thought we were shutting him out. I held out my hand to him.

Chloe hesitated and I knew how much he’d been excluded. How hard this had all been on him. I couldn’t stand that I’d put that expression on his beautiful face. I knew how he was feeling. It was a repeat of the gut churning sadness I’d had when watching Aya and Chloe before we’d gotten together. That aching loneliness. 

“Chloe…” I wanted him too. I couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving. Beseechingly I stared and hoped he wouldn’t leave.

The dejection didn’t leave his face as he walked across the room and placed his arms around us both. I don’t know how long we stood there silently waiting for something to give.

With a heavy sigh that I felt through his whole body Aya finally relaxed. He turned in my arms and buried his face in my neck. Aya shook with exhaustion and I knew how he felt. Chloe somehow took the brunt of both our weights as he held on tighter.

“What do we do?” Aya’s defeated voice mumbled quietly from my shoulder.

“I don’t know anymore.” Was the only reply I could think of.

Aya looked up into my eyes and unshed tears glittered on his lashes. That surprised the hell out of me. I slid my hands up into his hair and rested my forehead against his.

“We’ll figure out something.” I kissed him softly on the lips and just held on. I hurt all over and I’m sure my legs were trembling at this point.

“Aya you need to get cleaned up and we all need to get some sleep. Ken’s had a rough night. I…I got angry at him earlier and slammed him into the wall.” Chloe gently rubbed my back as he admitted his outburst.

Aya’s head snapped up and he glared at his blond lover. “What? Are you crazy? He just got out of the hospital!”

“I know…and I’m so sorry. I lost my temper.” Chloe guiltily admitted.

“Stop it. We don’t need to go into this again. I drove him to get angry. I was being a total prick. We settled it. Can we please lie down before I fall down?” I closed my eyes and could not stifle the yawn. I also needed another dose of pain meds. It was the only thing that was going to ease my throbbing back and shoulder.

“Come on lets go back to Ken’s room.” Chloe steered us both down the hall.

“Get your gear off and get into the shower. I’ll help Ken into bed.” Chloe straightened the covers and gratefully I lay down on the soft mattress. He bent and kissed me before turning to Aya.

“Here I’ll help.” Uncharacteristically Aya stayed pliant as Chloe stripped off his mission coat. Aya’s black turtleneck came next. Chloe knelt and unbuckled Aya’s boots and had him sit on the bed as he pulled them off.

“Th…thanks…I just feel so numb.” I barely heard Aya’s whispered words.

“Go on get into the shower. I’ll be right in.” Chloe pulled Aya to his feet and sent him in the direction of the bathroom. He then bent to stroke my cheek. “Do you want more of your pain meds?”

“Yes I feel like shit.” I hated those little white pills but at this point they were a necessity.

“I’ll be right back. Don’t worry I’ll make sure Aya is all right.” Chloe brushed the back of his hand down my face in a gentle caress and managed a smile.

I watched him disappear into the bathroom and then I heard the shower turn on. I could also barely make out their muffled voices. Chloe no doubt trying to comfort Aya too.

What did I ever do to deserve him? I knew it would take a long time to make up what I put the both of them through. For their sakes as well as my own I only hoped I was strong enough to do it.


	23. The lies I have created

The Story lyrics by 30 Seconds to Mars

I've been thinking of everything I used to want to be  
I've been thinking of everything of me of you and me

This is the story of my life  
And these are the lies I have created  
This is the story of my life  
And these are the lies I have created

I'm in the middle of nothing and it's where I want to be  
When I'm at the bottom of everything that I finally start to believe

This is the story of my life  
And these are the lies I have created  
This is the story of my life  
And these are the lies I have created  
I created

And I swear to God I'll have found myself in the end…

 

 

Midnight came and went and still I lay awake in the bed I shared with Aya and Chloe.

We were in my room, which is where I preferred. To have my things so near was comforting. Yet I didn’t trust myself to fall asleep.

Chloe lay sprawled on my right side. Taking up more than his share of the bed. He slept with a casual grace that made a person want to stare at him for hours. No drool…no snorting or any other kinds of noises. Just his beautiful face, relaxed and faintly smiling as if from a pleasant dream.

A pleasant dream…I’d forgotten what those were like. My dreams were only filled with death and darkness. I fought it every night. To stay awake.

Three nights since I’d come home from the hospital. Fatigue making my wounds slow to heal. No doubt also causing the low grade fever that no amount of aspirin would take away. The antibiotics were keeping infection at bay and the pain killers a welcome respite. Despite my earlier reluctance to take them. I did notice though that Aya doled out the medication. The pill bottles were not left in my care.

I was not sure how I felt about that at all.

But then did I give them any reason to trust me?

I blinked up at the ceiling. Tried to make out the shadows cast by the small light left burning. They moved and shifted trying to make me believe they were more than mere shades.

Aya tossed restlessly on my left side. His hands reached out to grasp my t-shirt. He sidled closer and wrapped one leg around my thighs. As if pinning me to the bed. Afraid I would be gone when he woke up.

Here in the bedroom we shared Aya exhibited a neediness he showed no where else. A vulnerability that made my heart ache for the reasons that caused such behavior.

Aya moved again. This time resting his head on my chest. His hand clutched my shirt as he finally settled. His light snoring seeming somehow reassuring.

I stroked his soft red hair and found it soothing. I yawned and tried to stay awake.

I was so fucking tired. Lulled by the presence of my lovers I finally fell asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Contaminated… you are contaminated…

The voice echoed in my head. Causing pain and uncertainty.

Not good enough…never good enough. Eventually rejected by everyone.

Another voice telling me to kill…to kill them all. The compulsion…almost too strong to resist.

I can’t! I won’t!

A…A bell ringing…why is it so hard to think?

No…why is it so hard?

Everyone dead…dying…blood on my hands. So much blood.

Kill…kill…kill…

I can’t

No!

Each panting breath loud in my ears.

Need to get away…to run. To hide!

You must kill them…it’s your duty. What you’ve been created for.

Make them shut up…please. No more.

Stop! No!

NO!

Hands grabbing me! Must get away…must…before I hurt them.

“Ken wake up! You’re going to hurt yourself.” A voice that should be familiar cut through the nightmare.

A dream I could not shake off.

The need to get away overwhelmed and I shoved hard at the arms holding me down. I fought and kicked. Then finally I managed to get free.

A pained yelp and curse made me grin maniacally. Still I scrambled backward until I’d gotten a wall at my back.

Hands reached for me again and I lashed out. I missed but this time they did not immediately return. My heart raced and I gasped for air.

Why was it so hard to breathe?

Why did it hurt so much?

Shadows closed in on me again.

I crouched against the wall and snarled. 

Then total shock as my body was hit with a numbing wet cold. I seized up and couldn’t move.

Then with an abruptness that left me reeling I’m aware.

I’m awake.

Oh god what have I done?

I looked around confused.

Aya is crouching on the floor just out of my reach. His hand is under his nose and crimson stained his fingers then dripped onto the floor.

Chloe is standing beside Aya with an empty pitcher in his hands. They both looked at me and I could clearly see the pain and sorrow on their faces.

The cold water Chloe flung on me must have been what snapped me out of my nightmare.

Oh god…it was the worst one yet. The voices were so loud. I can’t quite remember what they’d been screaming at me. But I still feel their taint.

“A…Aya? Did I do that?” I really hoped I didn’t hit him.

“Ah yeah…I think it was your elbow. Don’t worry Ken nothing’s broken.” Aya tried for reassuring but his voice just sounded tired. Aya grabbed a bunch of tissues from the box on the bedside table and held them under his nose. The blood appeared to be slowing.

“This time! What if I’d really gotten a hold of you Aya? I could’ve done serious damage. Shit! This is so fucked up. I can’t think straight anymore. Can’t sleep either. What is happening to me?” I could not keep the edge of panic from creeping closer.

I scrubbed my hands over my face and shivered.

Aya seemed successful in staunching the blood from his nose and dropped the wadded tissues into the trash.

“Here Ken let’s get you out of those wet clothes and back into bed.” Chloe put his arm around my waist to help me up.

“I’m not a baby! Damn it! Just leave me alone.” Anger was better than a full blown panic attack wasn’t it?

I hated being treated like an invalid. But that’s what I was. Pain wrapped around me like a vise from fighting off my dream and my tumble to the floor. Broken inside and out I just didn’t know how to deal anymore.

I was so fucking tired.

Not even Aya and Chloe’s arms were enough to keep the dreams at bay anymore.

“Ken we know you’re not a baby. We just want to help you back into bed. You’re still recovering from being shot. Pneumonia on top of that is a complication we don’t need.” Aya got on my other side and I was hoisted to my feet.

Truthfully I needed the support because I doubt my legs would hold me. 

“Yeah what’s one more complication? I’m already crazy. Maybe Pneumonia would solve everyone’s problems.” I bitterly replied as Chloe stripped off my wet sweat pants and t-shirt.

I blinked in surprise when Aya got right in my face and grabbed my chin…hard. His narrowed eyed bored into mine.

“Are you saying you’re better off dead? Well you can forget it! You’re not getting off that easy! I swear to god Ken if you give up I will kick your ass to hell and back! I’m not letting go…damn it…not when I finally…when I…” Aya abruptly let go and stalked across the room. He turned away and leaned against the wall. Head resting on his crossed arms.

Aya was shaking and he was taking large gulps of air. Trying to get control of himself.

Now completely naked with my wet clothes in a heap on the floor, Chloe steered me over to the bed and wrapped the thick comforter around me.

I watched as he went over to Aya. Chloe placed his arms around the distraught red head. Aya tried to shrug him off but Chloe could not be budged. He told me the best way to deal with Aya’s tendency to isolate himself was to invade his personal space.

The years mellowed Aya enough for him to be able to accept such comfort. Whereas in the past he would have reacted with stony silence and pushed anyone away.

I looked down at the hands clenched in my lap. White knuckled and gripping the fabric tightly.

What did I want?

I was weary beyond belief.

It wasn’t just a matter of telling my lovers what was bothering me.

Not anymore. My demons had escaped the neat little box I’d kept them in. Now nothing I did would put them back in. I was at their mercy until they consumed me.

“I…I don’t want to die. But how can I live like this? I…I just k…keep seeing Farfarello. What happened to him. How he lived. How crazy he’d become. P…please don’t let that happen to me. I can feel it….like a shadow. Waiting to pull me under.” I whispered. Barely aware that I’d said anything. Not even realizing the tremble in my voice.

Before I knew it I had two sets of arms around me. Warm and strong.

“Help me.” I simply plead.

Chloe tenderly kissed my forehead as Aya stroked my damp hair.

“We will Ken. I’ll figure out something. I promise.” Aya clung to me as did Chloe.

Desperately I gripped both their hands in mine.

“Try and get some sleep Ken. It’s still early.” Chloe grabbed some soft cotton boxers and helped me slide them on.

Too out of it now to even protest the coddling.

Aya pulled back the covers and helped me back into the warm nest of blankets.

Chloe stroked my hair and I found my eyes drooping. Almost asleep and that scared me.

“Aya? Can I have something to help me sleep? Please? I can’t stand any more of those dreams. I’m so tired but every time I close my eyes they return.” I hated asking but I simply was not up for round two of torture Ken.

“All right. Hang on I’ll go and get you something.” Aya got off the bed and left the room.

Chloe continued to run soothing fingers over my scalp. While we waited Chloe lay down on his side facing me. He traced my face and gently kissed my lips.

“We’ll figure it out Ken. I can’t lose you either. I love you and can’t stand to see you hurting.”

Not having a suitable reply I closed my eyes and sighed.

A weight settled on the other side of the bed. Aya was back.

I sat up a little and took the small capsule Aya handed me. Along with a glass of water. Without hesitating I swallowed the pill and lay back down. Aya took the glass and placed it on the table.

“Stay with me until I fall asleep?” A small request but one I truly needed.

“I planned to Ken. Now try and rest.” Aya whispered as he lay down on my other side.

They surrounded me with their bodies. Light caresses on my face and body helped the pill do its job. I was already so tired. Lethargy crept through my limbs. The weird disconnected feeling as the drug worked its way through my system.

Then between one breath and the next I was asleep.


	24. Chapter 24

Awareness came back in disconnected chunks.

I was cold and my eyes crusty with sleep.

There was an annoying repetitive tone that made me want to hurl whatever was making it across the room.

I shifted on the bed and it hurt to move. Not surprising really considering how banged up I still was. Plus I’m sure I had new bruises on top of the old.

Cautiously I took a deep breath. Yup that still burned in my chest like a hot poker. Not as bad as it had been but uncomfortable.

I tried to work up enough saliva to lick my dry lips. I hated the aftereffects of sleeping pills. The cotton mouth and general lethargy that followed.

But the rest of the night was blessedly nightmare free.

I moved my hand out on the bed and encountered empty space. On either side.

Aya and Chloe were not here.

Suddenly I felt scared at their absence. 

I managed to open my eyes and squinted at the bright light that leaked in through a crack in the curtains.

What the hell time was it anyway?

What was making that incessant electronic racket that made me want to grind my teeth?

Someone was sitting Indian style on the end of the bed. It was also the source of the annoying noise.

Blinking a few times to focus my bleary eyes I looked right at Michel.

He was holding a PSP playing some kind of fighting game.

“W…what…” I cleared my throat and tried again. “What time is it?”

Michel looked up from his game and smiled cheerfully at me.

“You’re finally awake! I’ve been here forever waiting. I got bored so I decided to play my game. I hope it didn’t bother you too much. Are you hungry? Do you want me to get you something to drink?” Michel babbled.

How he got that out in all one breath I’ll never know. Michel’s sunny disposition was hard to take after waking up from a drugged sleep.

“I’m thirsty and have to pee…but I think I can manage on my own. Where are Aya and Chloe?” I threw back the covers and sat up.

Whoa head rush. The room tilted dizzily and I grabbed at the bed post.

Michel was at my side in an instant. Game forgotten on the bed. He wormed his way under my arm and steadied me until the dizziness went away. I was grateful for the help. Tried of fighting alone I decided to accept what was offered.

How could I have pushed him away before?

Michel’s concerned face was a welcome change from the distraught one the last time he reached out to me and I slapped him down.

“Thanks.” I muttered. “I think I can get up now.”

“Ok here we go.” Michel kept his arm around my waist as I stood up. He’s stronger than he looks. 

I slung my arm over his shoulders and groaned as the muscles stretched my wound. He helped me all the way to the bathroom and then politely waited outside as I took care of business.

As I washed my hands I pretty much avoided the mirror after one glance. Haggard was too polite a word to describe me.

Hair sticking out all over and needing a shave I looked older then my years. My eyes bloodshot and the dark circles under seemed to scream hangover. And I hadn’t even needed alcohol to achieve this effect.

I brushed my teeth and considered my hair a lost cause. I’d gone to bed with it damp the night before after my shower.

I waved off Michel’s arm as I left the bathroom. I felt a little steadier. Not much but also not likely to keel over.

“It’s ok. I can make it. Where are Aya and Chloe?” This was the second time I’d asked.

Obviously Michel was sent in here to baby-sit me. What wasn’t he telling me?  
“Um….Chloe had to go up to the castle and Aya said something about needing to shower and get some clothes out of his room.” Michel stayed right beside me as I grabbed some clothes.

Well worn and soft jeans and a thick green sweater. I was cold all the time and the warm outfit much needed. It was not fun getting dressed.

When I bent over to pull on my jeans another wave of dizziness hit. So I had to stop a moment. I could tell Michel wanted to help. He was practically hovering over me. There was no way in hell I was letting him pull on my pants.

The sweater was a trial too. Lifting my arm to get it into the sleeve made my bullet wounds flare up with a vengeance. I sat on the bed gasping afterwards. Swallowing my pride I did let Michel put the socks on my feet.

He finished up with a smile and offered me his arm again.

“Why don’t we go downstairs and I can make you breakfast.” Michel offered.

“Hey I can make toast and scrambled eggs! No funny stuff I promise.” Michel hastily added at the horrified look on my face.

“I want Aya.” Then I headed off towards my lover’s room. Truthfully the thought of food make me nauseous. 

Michel trailed behind me and almost bumped into my back as I stopped outside Aya’s slightly closed door. He seemed to be talking on the phone.

Pausing to listen I didn’t like what I heard.

“You know he’s not going to like this. I don’t like it either.” I heard Aya’s voice argue.

I had no idea who he was talking to. Michel tried to pull me away but I shrugged off his hands.

“I know! Damn it! But what other choices do we have? How are we going to get him to go?” Aya became increasingly distressed. Through the crack in the door I watched him pace.

Go? Just what the hell was going on?

“Chloe…I can’t do this to him! He’ll think we are abandoning him.” Aya paused to listen.

Just what the fuck were they going to do to me? It was all I could do to stay in the hall and not bust in and demand answers.

“I know he can maybe get help there. But I still think confining Ken is the worst thing we can do. You know being watched like that is going to make him worse. I don’t have any other suggestions! Well then why can’t I go with him?” Aya’s hand was running through his hair as he paced. A nervous habit of his.

My stomach sank with each word I heard. Confine me? Watch me?

Oh fuck no! I felt like throwing up. This was exactly how they shuffled me off to prison before I came to England. I couldn’t let that happen again. Feeling more betrayed than ever before I tried to leave.

I needed to get out of here before they locked me up somewhere.

Michel stood in my way.

“Move Michel. I don’t want to hurt you.” I growled. Feeling more and more like a trapped animal.

“No Ken…you don’t understand. Please stay and I’ll get Aya. He can help you.” Michel held out his hand and I slapped it away.

“Why? So Aya can lie to me? Just like everyone has my entire life? I won’t let them lock me up again. I’d rather be dead!” I yelled. If I could only get to my bike…I’d be free.

I tried again to get past Michel.

“Ken what? Oh god you heard?” Aya was coming out of his room and I was getting outnumbered.

“Yeah Aya I heard! Getting rid of me are you? Like I’m some big fucking inconvenience. Well I’ll just save you the trouble!” Michel still barred my way and I attempted to go around him.

Without even thinking I shoved him hard and he hit the wall. I did feel a twinge of regret at his pained gasp of surprise.

Panic was taking hold and the voices in my head were screaming for me to run.

I’d almost made it to the steps when I was grabbed.

Not, at this point, able to stop myself, I fought. As if my life depended on it.

I tried kicking, and a backwards head-butt but it was no use. The large arms that held me pinned were not letting go. I struggled and twisted. But eventually the searing pain in my chest forced me to stop.

I couldn’t get enough air…

I choked and the room grew dim.

Everyone was yelling at once and it drowned out the clamor in my head.

Michel begging me to stop.

Aya saying over and over again to just listen to him. That he’d never do anything to hurt me…that he loved me.

Free, who held me firmly simply being his stoic self. Urging me to breathe.

My knees buckled and I hung limply in his grasp.

One night of sleep not making up for many more when I got no rest.

Defeated I whispered.

“Fine lock me up. Throw away the key. If you make me leave I have nowhere else to go anyway.” I couldn’t look at any of them.

Free’s grip on my arms eased and I leaned against his solid strength. I’d have bruises where his fingers gripped my arms. He’d have some too where I’d kicked him.

Aya’s hand caressed my cheek and his fingers lifted my chin. Reluctantly I looked at him. The hurt on his face was a palpable thing.

“How could you even think that I’d do something like that to you. To ship you off to someplace to be locked up. I was trying to help. You’ve got to believe me Ken.” Aya stepped closer.

“Why? You left me once before!” I spat out. The hurt I felt needing an outlet.

I knew I hit the mark when I heard Aya’s sharply indrawn breath. I expected Aya to either stalk off or to hit me. Instead he grabbed me in a fierce hug.

“I won’t do that to you Ken. I promise. Just trust me please.” Aya whispered next to my ear.

I wasn’t even aware Free and Michel left but suddenly the hallway was empty.

I couldn’t put my arms around Aya. I still felt the need to run. I couldn’t let myself relax.

I resisted when Aya tried to guide me back to my room.

“Ken let me get you into bed. You’re pale and trembling. I can explain everything. Chloe is on his way back. Let us take care of you.” His grip on me was unyielding and I really didn’t have the strength left to fight.

The noise in my head was quiet for the moment and it pounded fiercely. Aya was right. I needed to sit down before I passed out.

“Fine…but shouldn’t I get some kind of say in what happens to me? I know I’m fucked up but why do I have to leave? I…I can’t do this alone.” To my mortification my voice wavered. Exhausted and on the verge of tears I wanted to give up.

Aya got me into my room and onto the bed. I sank down onto the soft mattress and hung my head. Nervously biting my lip.

“Of course you get some say in what happens. You won’t be alone Ken.” Aya sat down beside me and once again wrapped me in his arms.

I sighed and leaned against him. My earlier fear and panic attack making me drowsy. I wanted to believe Aya. I wanted to trust him.

Something in me resisted and I fought the urge to deny his words.

The room was quiet as we waited for Chloe to arrive.

I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I had no idea who Ken Hidaka really was. I was changing and turning into someone I hated.

I just had no idea how to stop it.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been an agonizing labor of love. Written during a hard time in my life. I do have other side stories and parts finished. Also the beginning of the sequel to this installment. I look forward to beginning again as well.

I must have dozed off at some point because the sound of a hushed argument slowly penetrated my fatigued brain. The pain pills Aya made me take really knocked me out. I suppose it was better than me sitting around worrying about my immediate future. I shifted a bit on the bed as my wounds sent up a warning twinge. Oddly enough my pillow moved with me.

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times trying to focus. It was then that I realized that I was on the bed with my head cradled in Aya’s lap. A gentle hand sifted through my hair, stroking it soothingly.

Apparently they’d not realized I’d woken up because the conversation continued around me. The soft voices belonged to Aya and Chloe. They were talking about me and I was not liking what was being said.

I decided to stay still and hear the rest.

“Are you sure this is the only way?” Chloe’s worried tone did nothing to ease my distress.

“What other options do we have? You said that KR thinks he’s a liability. I’d rather not have him decide.” Aya’s voice sounded exhausted and rough.

“But Aya what if…” Chloe began.

“Chloe at least he’ll be safe there. I promise.” Aya sighed and the hand in my hair stilled.

Safe where? I wondered. I really didn’t want to hear what KR did with people he thought were liabilities. I remembered too well what Kritiker did with agents they no longer had a use for. Very unpleasant memories since I was one of those they thought dangerous. Shit! It was happening all over again.

I couldn’t help it…my breathing sped up which started a coughing fit. There was no use faking sleep anymore. I wrapped my arms around my chest and curled up as the painful spasms continued.

“Ken? Are you all right?”

I looked at Chloe through tearing eyes as I tried to get the coughing to stop. He leaned forward and placed a hand on my back. I frowned as if to say ‘do I fucking look all right to you?’

“Ken here sit up a little.” Aya helped me to a semi reclining position. He leaned me against his chest as he sat on the bed. My back to his front.  
It eased my aching chest somewhat and soon the fit ceased. I was finally able to take a deep raspy breath.

I lay there in Aya’s arms afraid to even ask the question that hung heavily in the room. I wanted nothing more than to wake up. For this all to have been some kind of long drawn out nightmare.

“Ken how much did you hear?” Chloe asked softly as he scooted close enough to lay a hand on my cheek.

“I heard enough.” Was all I could say. This all felt so horribly final. They were soon going to be rid of me.

“Ken it’s not what you think.” Aya began. Hesitating a little as I tensed up against him.

“How do you fucking know what I’m thinking? I don’t even get a choice do I? I never got one before…so why would I get one now?” Really it was beyond me to channel the anger that my words evoked. I was just so tired. I wanted it to be over.

Chloe reached out to touch my face again and I recoiled. I simply couldn’t take any more caring gestures. The hurt on his face as he retreated caused an ache worse than the bullet that had plowed into my chest.

“Ken look at me.” Aya demanded in a soft voice.

I refused to meet his eyes. I felt a hand on my chin gently turning my head.

“Just tell me.” I whispered.

Aya shifted my body until I was half lying in his lap. Chloe moved across the bed until he was close on my other side. He too took me in his arms. I let them try and comfort me. Some part of me was wishing we could stay like this forever. While another was urging me to flee…to run away and never look back. Before I could be hurt past my ability to ever heal.

“Ken we tried to come up with a way for you to stay here. Really. But KR was adamant about putting you somewhere of his choosing. Somewhere he claimed would help you. I never thought I’d say this but I’m not sure I trust his motives.” Chloe shook his head as he softly spoke.

How did this help? I couldn’t think of anything worse than to be away from those I loved. No matter where they sent me I’d be among strangers. I’d done the whole head shrinking deal and the last thing I wanted to do was talk to someone I didn’t know and explain my feelings. Been there. Done that. Didn’t want to do it again.

“Chloe is right Ken. I can’t help but feel that KR is hiding something. He’s become so hard to get a hold of and Mihirogi keeps making excuses.” Aya’s grip on me tightened.

I got the distinct impression they were stalling.

“Fine just get it over with already! Where am I being shipped off to?” I snapped. Sick of this whole situation.

I heard Aya mumble something.

“What? Just spill it Aya.” I turned in his arms facing him. His eyes bore into mine and I took a deep breath.

“Omi…I’m sending you to him.” Aya replied calmly. Although I knew that demeanor to be a mask. He was waiting for my reaction.

To tell the truth I was stunned. It was the last thing I expected Aya to say.

Home…they were sending me home. 

Someplace I thought I’d never see again. A place where quite possibly I was still a wanted criminal.

What did I think about seeing Omi again? Our last face to face meeting had not gone so well. I distinctly remember punching him in the face and knocking Omi on his Armani clad ass. That was the day I was released from prison. Omi stood there with this smug grin on his face like I should be thanking him or something.

Oh I guess I should have…really. After all he got me out…cleaning up after the mess Saijou made of all our lives. I vaguely remember being flung against a wall a good 20 feet down the corridor. Damn Nagi and his weird ass abilities. It still made me shudder to this day that he was Omi’s bodyguard and later on I found out his lover too.

Then I was handed a duffel bag full of clothes and toiletries. Given a change of clothes to wear out of the place I’d spent the last six months. I was then driven to the airport and given tickets to England. A brief congratulations Ken you are now a part of Krypton Brand. Europe’s answer to Kritiker. Not a hug…I didn’t much blame Omi for that. Not even a handshake and before I was on a plane heading to a new future. Asshole even sent me coach.

We’d talked since then and had a somewhat uneasy friendship. Neither Omi nor I knew how to go forward from that point. There was still too much between us. Things neither of us had let go of.

Now I was being uprooted again. Away from my family and the thought of that scared me. I really didn’t want to go back to Japan. A place haunted by memories. Afraid that the voices in my head would become louder, the visions more horrifying by being in the place where most of them took place.

I guess I took too long to answer as my mind tried to wrap around what Aya just told me.

“Ken? Say something.” Aya managed to ask quietly. As if he expected me to lash out. I felt too drained for any more elaborate emotional displays.

“What do you want me to say Aya? I’m just being dumped off again. To be someone else’s problem.” I laughed but there was no humor in it. “Full circle huh? Omi sends me here and you send me back.”

I felt Aya tense up and heard his sharp inhalation. “Well what else do you want me to do? I wish you’d tell me because I’m totally lost here. I’m obviously no help to you at all. Neither is Chloe.” He snapped.

My fists clenched and I scooted off the bed and began to pace. What did I want them to do? I really had no fucking clue either. I ignored my protesting body and kept on moving. Chloe sat on the bed with a concerned look on his face and Aya glared. He even shrugged off Chloe’s hand on his shoulder. Before long Aya got up and went over to the window. He stared outside and his shoulders slumped.

We were all pretty much at the end of our ropes. Something had to give and I knew it had to be me.

I just couldn’t face another airport. Another goodbye. I still vividly remember when Aya left Japan. Barely out of the hospital I managed to tag along. I could see the guilt in Aya’s eyes every time I hissed in pain as a sudden move would pull at my slowly mending flesh. I’d done what I had to do. To ensure we won that day. Holding onto the boy so Aya could get in a killing blow probably saved all of us. I didn’t regret it for a second.

I didn’t know what to say to make him stay. Did I even have any right to try? We stood there awkwardly looking at each other. As I tried to find the words to tell Aya how I felt he’d already turned away from me.

Left me standing there.

I went back to the only home I’d ever known. But even that was taken away from me. A danger to myself and to the organization I was told. I needed to be confined. To have a chance to get my head together. To come to terms when everything else had gone to shit. I actually believed them. I went willingly to my little 10x10 cell.

Accepted my fate and let Kritiker’s head shrinkers do their best to straighten out the mess they’d created. 

Ok I admit those last few hours of our doomed mission Omi had been more like the young man I remembered. The person I’d fallen in love with. But as the helicopter flew farther away from the site of the explosion I could see him change. As each mile passed he shrugged off the person I knew as Omi and Mamoru took his place.

Once I was dropped off at the hospital I’d not seen Omi again until I was let out of prison. Aya even avoided seeing me. As if my very presence caused him pain. Proven by the look on his face as we rode in silence to the airport.

Déjà vu? I’d always hated that feeling.

Did I have any real choice any more? It seemed all my choices were taken away from me.

I crossed the room and stood next to Aya.

“So what did you have to bribe Omi with to get him to take me back?” I tried to sound nonchalant but my words came out a bit desperate.

Aya turned from the window and stared at me his brow furrowed. “Bribe? He wanted to do this Ken. He wants to help you.”

I shook my head and laughed again. “Yeah right! He was glad to get rid of me. I was his little embarrassment. A reminder of the life he left behind.”

“How can you believe that? After I told Omi what was going on he even suggested it first. I thought you two worked things out.” There was still an angry edge to Aya’s voice. I suppose I deserved his ire.

“Work it out? How does a handful of phone calls over the last three years make everything suddenly all right? There’s got to be some other reason Omi wants to help.” My mind whirled with all kinds of unpleasant possibilities.

“You actually think I’d send you somewhere that wasn’t safe? Do you think so little of me? Of my judgment?” Now he sounded genuinely hurt. Way to go Ken.

“Look I need to think. Just…I need to be alone right now.” I turned away from both of my lovers and started to head out the door.

A hand on my arm stopped me. I looked and expected Aya’s hand to be the one that gripped me tightly. Chloe stepped in front of me stopping me from leaving.

“You are not running away this time. I am heartily sick of that tactic. I’ve got to deal with it from both of you and I am fed up to here. Enough is enough! Yes you have little choice in what’s going on Ken but I will not have you stalking off on your own. Or trusting your fate to a man I thought I knew. You will talk to us Ken.” Chloe gently but firmly pushed me backward until I sat down on the bed.

Then he grabbed Aya and did the same.

“God I swear you two are the most stubborn men on the planet. I hate that you are leaving. It’s tearing me up inside. I don’t want you to go either Ken. But I can’t deal with this anymore. I don’t know what to do. If Aya believes Omi can help you then I believe him too. I have no other choice.” Chloe sighed as he stood in front of us.

Yet again where did that leave me? I hated feeling trapped. Backed into a corner. Quite defeated I collapsed back onto the mattress. My legs dangling off the edge. I laid my arm across my face covering my eyes. Talk to them? I had no idea what to say. What to feel or how to cope.

Maybe it was time to throw this whole mess at someone else’s feet and let them deal with it.

I let out a huge shuddery sigh. The rasp in my chest letting me know that I still had a lot of healing to do. The doctor mentioned something about scar tissue from a previous injury and my brush with pneumonia hadn’t helped.

“When…” I whispered.

I felt the mattress dip on the other side and knew Chloe joined Aya on the bed. They both wrapped their arms around me. I took a little comfort from their gesture.

Aya’s soft voice answered my hesitant question. He knew what I wanted to know…how long before I had to leave them.

“The end of the week Ken. Omi is flying out on Saturday.” Aya pulled me further into his embrace until I was nestled against his chest. Chloe was a warm presence at my back.

Five days was all the time I had left. Why did this feel so dreadfully final? It scared me to death to even try and think of what might lie ahead.

“I…I don’t know if I can do this.” I uncovered my eyes and gripped Aya’s soft sweater tightly. 

“You can Ken. I know you’ll come back to us. A stronger person than when you left. I have to have faith in that. I love you…you know that. I can’t even think of a life without you in it. You’ve become as important to me as Aya. You’re the other part of my soul.” Chloe’s soft breath ruffled the hair at the nape of my neck as he got as close to me as physically possible.

“Chloe is right Ken. You are strong enough to get through this. I know Omi will be there for you. Even if he hasn’t been in the past. Give him a chance to make up for it. I love you too and would be lost without you. As unconventional as our relationship is I can’t picture us not together. I never thought I could care for two people as much as I do. That’s why this is slowly killing all of us. We need you whole…then we need you to come home.” This was quite the confession from my lover. It also proved how much Aya had changed over the years that I’d known him. His words…I knew he meant every one of them.

It warmed a little spot in my heart that I thought had gone cold. I truly did not deserve the love from the two amazing people sharing my bed. Especially after working so hard to destroy something that should have been so zealously guarded.

“I…I’ll try. What other choice do I have?” I whispered. “Just can we stay here a while? Like this?” Finally I’d made my choice. It scared the shit out of me. To admit my weakness and let go. Some big tough assassin huh?

“We can stay here a while. I’m not going anywhere” Aya replied as his fingers lightly sifted through my hair.

“Not a problem either. I love lying here with you. I missed you Ken.” Chloe added as his hands soothingly stroked my back.

I finally felt my muscles, so long held tense, begin to unknot under their attention.

I had no idea what the future may hold. But for right here and right now I’d take this. Lying here in my lovers’ arms knowing that they cared.

I don’t know how long I lay there dozing. Caught somewhere between wakefulness and sleep. My body, still not recovered from its recent ordeal, demanding that I not move. Truthfully I didn’t deal well with my slow to mend injuries. I wanted to be free to move, to resume my morning jog through the park. My workouts in the weight room and sparring with my team. Now I wouldn’t get the chance.

I was too worn out both in body and spirit.

Soon another ache made itself known. Sharp and insistent. Then my stomach growled loudly in the quiet room.

I felt Chloe snicker against my shoulder where his head rested.

“How long has it been since you’ve eaten Ken?” Aya’s soft voice asked.

I had to think about that for a moment.

“I’m not sure. I don’t remember.” I finally replied. Even though I was slightly nauseous from all the medication my stomach loudly protested again.

“Let’s go downstairs and I’ll fix you something to eat.” Aya sat up and stretched.  
“Come on Ken. Besides you should really tell the others. Michel was very upset.” Chloe got to his feet and held out his hand.

I winced at his words. I’d once again hurt Michel. I really didn’t want to leave the room.

“Can’t you bring me something?” Wow that came out pretty pathetic.

“Nope. You owe it to them to explain what’s going on. They’re your family Ken and need to know. Despite what you think they all still care deeply for you.” Chloe grabbed my arm and I didn’t resist as I was carefully helped out of bed.

I gave in and let them lead me down the stairs. My near panic grew with every step. By the time we reached the kitchen Aya and Chloe were practically towing me along. I hesitated in the doorway. 

Aya brushed past me and said in an extremely mundane sounding voice. “I think some soup and rice would be the best thing on your stomach. Sit down and I’ll fix you some.”

I looked around the room. It sort of amazed me how normal it appeared. Yuki sat at one end of the long dining table staring at his laptop. He had a plate of cheese and crackers and a diet coke off to one side. Free and Michel sat along one side and the large assassin looked on indulgently as Michel enthusiastically described his favorite new band. The blond was trying to get Free to listen to his Ipod.

They all looked up as Chloe pulled me into the room.

An uncomfortable silence filled the kitchen. I froze right inside the doorway.

“Come on Ken sit down.” Chloe gently urged me. I felt so fragmented and unsure how to deal with the stares directed my way.

Yuki frowned at me a moment before turning back to his computer. Free just glanced at me in his placid enigmatic way. It was impossible to even begin to guess what he was thinking.

Michel smiled brightly at me and patted the chair next to him. His acceptance of all I’d put them through nearly brought me to tears. I didn’t deserve such devotion. Hesitantly I took the spot at the table he indicated. I felt Michel take my hand.

“Are you all right Ken? We were so worried about you.” Michel looked at me expectantly.

Chloe sat down in the chair on the other side of me while Aya busied himself fixing me some lunch…or was it dinner? Hell I didn’t even know what day it was anymore.

“I…I…” The words refused to come. Chloe’s hand on the back of my neck gently kneading prompted more of a response. He nodded at me to continue.

I swallowed loudly and took a deep breath.

“No I’m not all right. But then you all knew that. I’ve compromised the team and your lives. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to all of you. I can’t get better on my own…if it’s even possible at all.” I stopped as Aya turned from the stove and frowned at me.

“Ken you will get better.” Aya’s tone brooked no argument. I could tell he needed to believe even if I didn’t.

“It’s ok Ken. You didn’t mean to do those things.” Michel tried to reassure me.

“No it’s not ok. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am. Right now I’m a liability and a danger to myself and all of you. That’s why…that’s why I have to go away for a while.” Suddenly my throat was dry and I started to cough a little.

Aya placed a glass of water in front of me and I drank it gratefully.

That got Yuki’s attention even though he was still pissed at me. He looked surprised. I knew that he was aware of my past. I made no secret of a few key points before I joined Weiss B. Yuki seemed interested now about my future and what it would mean for the team. I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or not.

Michel gaped at me before protesting. “Ken you can’t leave! Why is KR sending you away? We can help you. I don’t want you to go!”

I sighed. I hated that he was taking this so hard. This was devastating for my lovers and now Michel was making it that much worse. Free nodded slightly at me as if to say...it’s for the best.

“KR had nothing to do with this.” Aya growled as he set a small bowl of soup and one of rice in front of me. He placed a spoon and a pair of chopsticks near by and sat next to Chloe.

Aya’s tone made me wonder just what KR had actually said to get him this mad.

Chloe laid a hand on Aya’s where it rested on the table. Aya ceased the nervous tapping of his fingers. I could tell he was barely holding onto his calm.

“I’m going back to Japan. Mamoru Takatori is coming at the end of the week. I’ll be leaving with him.” I simply said. It was all I could get past the lump in my throat.

“Isn’t that the name of your old team mate? I think he was called something else then. Omi?” Yuki spoke for the first time. At least he was talking to me.

“What is he going to do to help Ken?” Michel asked worriedly.

“I…I’m not sure. But he has the resources to get me the best help possible. He knows me too. We went through a lot together. I think he understands…maybe more than anyone besides Aya.” I really didn’t want to think about just what Omi had planned. Since I had no idea about the man he’d become dwelling on the future was alarming to say the least.

“Ken’s right Michel. He needs to go home…at least for a little while.” Aya looked me right in the eyes as he spoke. I could almost feel the pain mirrored there.

“But I thought this was your home Ken! We’re your family!” Michel now upset wrapped his arms around me.

I awkwardly returned his desperate hug. “You are…this is my home too. But I think I need to go back to Japan to lay some ghosts to rest once and for all.”

Admitting this was the hardest thing I’d done in a while. Realizing that I was messed up and not likely to solve the problem here. Despite the fact that I desperately wanted to stay.

“You’ll come back to us Ken?” Michel sniffled.

“I promise.” Was the best reply I could make and one I really intended to keep. As I said those two little words I looked right at Aya and Chloe.

“Don’t worry Michel. Ken will return to us.” Free gently unwound Michel’s arms from around me. “Here scoot over Ken needs to eat.”

Michel sat back and leaned against Free. The big man placed a reassuring arm on the teen’s shoulder. They all looked at me expectantly and having no choice I picked up the spoon.

The first mouthful of the warm soup made my stomach flip flop. I started to put the spoon back on the table but Aya’s quirked brow stayed my hand. It would serve him right if I tossed my cookies right there.

After a few more bites my stomach unknotted. I realized how hungry I was and eagerly ate all the soup and the rice. Chloe refilled my glass and I downed that too. I let the quiet hum of conversation around the table lull me into a doze.

They all pretty much let me eat in peace. Then not really paying any attention to what was going on I shifted closer to Chloe and laid my head on his shoulder. Even though I’d not woken up too long ago I was still tired. Fitful sleep and emotional outbursts had exhausted me. 

Aya got up from the table and held out his hand. “Come on Ken you need to get back to bed.”

I took his hand and with a little help from Chloe I got to my feet. They steadied me as I found my balance.

“Night Guys and thanks for listening.” I mumbled.

“Get some rest Ken. See you tomorrow ok?” Michel asked hopefully.

“Sure Chibi no problem.” I replied with as much of a smile as I could manage.

“Ken? I…I’m sorry. I was so angry and really didn’t think about what you were going through. I’d really like to talk. If that’s ok.” Yuki’s voice was uncharacteristically subdued. 

I guess with me leaving he wanted to mend some fences. I would have hated leaving with him still mad at me.

“Sure Kid. I’d like that.” As Aya and Chloe steered me out of the room and I heard Free say.

“You will be ok Ken. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.” His words were more than a little reassuring. I got the impression he really believed what he was saying.

I looked back over my shoulder and nodded. It was enough of a reply and Free stayed at the table carding one large hand through Michel’s golden curls.

I glanced at the hallway clock and was surprised to see it was only 4 pm. Yet I was ready to collapse. It took nearly all of my energy to climb the two flights of stairs to our floor.

Truthfully I was all talked out. I let Aya and Chloe steer me into bed. Took the pills handed to me and I reclined against the mound of pillows needed to keep me sitting upright.

“I know it’s early but can you both stay?” I asked as I looked at my lovers. I probably didn’t even need to but I wanted the reassurance.

I watched as they changed out of their street clothes and into something more suitable to wear while lounging in bed. The sight of their bodies as they disrobed caused a flush of warmth to my skin. Not quite arousal but appreciation of their handsome bodies.

Soon Aya and Chloe lay in bed with me. One on either side. It was comforting but not enough to calm my frazzled nerves. It was just too much to take.

I sighed heavily.

Aya’s hand stilled in my hair and he looked down at me where I rested against his chest.

“Ken you need to relax.” Aya quietly observed. “What is going through your head?”

“It’s just that I hate all this. Not having a choice, feeling so out of control. My body is so damned weak right now and I can’t stand it. Now I have to go away…I don’t want to leave you.” I didn’t have the energy to make my declaration very volatile. So it came out sounding flat with a tinge of desperation.

Chloe leaned over and gently kissed my lips. “We don’t want you to leave either. It’s going to hurt…being away from you. But maybe it is for the best. I have to keep thinking that…it’s the only way I can get through this.”

“Yeah but you’ll have each other while I’m gone. What will I have?” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice.

“You’ll take our love and support with you Ken. We’ll only be a phone call away. Omi will be there for you too Ken. He promised.” Aya gently reminded me. His hand cupped my face as I looked up at him. “You have to believe that.”

Aya was right. The belief that they loved me and that I had family here waiting for me to come home would have to sustain me. Could I trust Omi again? I suppose only time would tell. I was literally leaving my life and very sanity in his hands.

“I’ll try.” Was all I could think to say.

As we lay on my big bed I clung to my lovers. Finally the medications kicked in as I dropped off into a fitful dose cradled in their arms.

Just as I fell asleep I thought I heard them both say they loved me. I murmured sleepily in return.

One last coherent thought crossed my weary mind.

Maybe it was, once again, time to move on.


End file.
